Formulas won’t work

Formulas won’t work

I am not only not the right person but also the wrong person to share this.  However, being part of society, I am sharing only my reflection rather than actually commenting.  Recently hundreds of couples gathered to insist on the value of the relationship between husband and wife in a famous Ashram, in Tamilnadu.  They even took vows holding each other’s hand.  And after the program, one woman, appreciating such gatherings to teach young generations, who do not understand many values in life, said, ‘three things are taught to us: “no comment; no command and no demand”’ between husband and wife to keep a good relationship.’

Though I appreciate the Organizers for such a meeting with a noble cause, yet providing some simple formulas won’t actually help people in real life.  It is interesting that such gatherings were arranged to emphasize the relationship and bond between husband and wife. But a formula is given just opposite to such a bond and relationship.

Every human relationship is important for an individual, family and community (also society at large) to grow.  And it is possible only when we ‘comment, command and even demand’ from each other several things.  Of course, we can use a better word for ‘comment’ as ‘advice or counsel’; ‘command’ as ‘request’ and ‘demand’ as ‘rights’.  But whichever words we might use, any relationship can develop and function when there is mutual contribution by all these means.  Imagine a relationship between a husband and wife without any ‘comment, command and demand’.  Though I don’t have personal experience in this field, based on other relationships that I enjoy, I can say with much confidence that all relationships will remain not only dry but also boring without contributing to each other through our ‘comment, command and demand’.  And those who try to live strictly implementing such formulas won’t have any relationship with anyone.  We can observe that even the animal world and other natural worlds (like trees, plants etc.) cannot survive or thrive if such a formula is followed.

The problem with human beings sometimes is that, in the name of doing certain things differently, we completely lose track and get lost in such formulas and programs.  But the only consolation for me is that, like many other such programs and formulas, we will never implement them, but will live naturally ‘commenting, commanding and demanding’ in our life enjoying our relationship and learning through errors and mistakes and not through elitist, unnatural intellectual formulas.  Tastelessness itself is a taste (with which we are not familiar or the one that we don’t like); not using any symbol itself is a symbol.  In the same way, ‘no comments’ itself is a comment (without words).  One need not use only words to ‘command’. There are other ways to command and also to demand.   Those who exercise authority (husband or wife) know how to command, even without words and those who depend on know how to demand their rights.  Those who are yet to be born alone can refrain from commenting, commanding and demanding.  Rest of the living beings, including the dead ones, cannot escape from them.

Finally, when someone says after asking some help from me, ‘sorry for the trouble’, I with a smile say, ‘I need to give you trouble and you need to give me trouble.  Otherwise we cannot live on this earth.  Of course, we can use a better word for ‘trouble’ as ‘seva’ though that is what we give and need to give to each other as living beings.

So ‘comment, command and demand’ to celebrate all relationships.

We comment only to help others to improve—it is not criticizing.

We command to keep some order and discipline in the home—which will definitely help to follow in other areas in life, like public places and offices.

We demand to celebrate our relationship.—It is earned not automatically sanctioned because of that relationship.  Dayanand Bharati, Gurukulam, September 1, 2009