House versus Home

House versus Home

Home is the shock absorber of the society where every bruised individual finds his or her solace and rest.  And if the home is the shock observer of the society, woman is the shock absorber of the family.  Realizing the importance of women (particularly a wife) Mahabharata says:

One’s home is not the house made of brick and mortar; it is the wife who makes the home. A home without a wife is like a wilderness {Mahabharata, Shanti Parva. 144.6: na graham graham ttyaahur grihinni graham uchyata; graham tu grihinii-hiinam aranya-sadrisam matam//.}— Pandharinath H. Prabhu, Hindu Social Organization: A Study in Socio-Psychological and Indeological Foundations, Bombay, Popular Prakashan, [1940], Reprint 2004. P. 230

Wife is called ‘Dharma Patni’ as the entire dharma of a family is entrusted in her hands.  A husband is never called ‘Dharma Pati’ in India.  He remains merely a ‘husband’ to his wife, father to his children, son to his parents, brother to his siblings, friend only to his boyfriends (no girl friend is allowed for any husband in India).  Whereas a wife becomes everything to him as the ancient Tamil poem says: With mother tasty food is gone, with father learning, with children wealth, with siblings strength, with relatives support, but with wife everything is gone.¹

For a man after marriage his world shrinks centred around his wife and his family. Though he will continue to relate with his natal family and other relatives, still his wife will become his immediate world.  Whereas, a woman will continue to keep her relationship with her natal family naturally.  This we can see, at least in India, that when the husband passes away his wife will easily go back and assimilate her life with her natal family, which a husband cannot do most of the time when his wife passes away.  Even if she lives alone, with her relationship with her natal family she will easily swim across the tide in life.  Even in her husband’s house, several times she alone becomes the link among all the relatives there, in spite of the ‘mother-in-law and daughter-in-law rivalry’.

Without a wife, the home remains merely a house. This can be understood by the fact that when a wife lives with her children at Chennai, it is called the home (family).   And when he lives in Delhi, he will say or he can only say that his family is in Chennai.  Whereas his wife will only say that her husband is in Delhi. She will never say that her family is in Delhi.  Without his wife, a husband can live only in a ‘house’ but without the presence of her husband even where the wife lives is called ‘home’.

Man (husband) thinks always only about pleasure, whereas woman (or wife) thinks pleasure plus security. For example, when they go to any hotel or cinema theatre in order to show his magnanimity, a husband will not care about his purse or economy.  Whereas women will keep an eye on his purse.  But the same husband will panic when his wife goes shopping, particularly for clothes or jewelry. That time, the future of his children, economy, saving etc. will come to his mind.  If he confronts, his wife will say that unlike him, she only wants to save by investing in jewels for the future.

However in spite of all these cordial relationships, there will come clashes in the family and we often hear about domestic violence.  Even in this, except with a few exceptions, women alone are mostly affected.  But in this, we need to note one fact that after the conflict and fight, a husband will be ready to reconcile easily as he knows his limitations in taking care of the family.  Whereas a woman will hold her grudge for a long time.  Generally men are single task oriented in life whereas women are multi task oriented.  They can easily handle several tasks simultaneously.  So better understanding this, let the husband never cross his lakshman reka (which the Lakshmana drew for Sita).

At the same time we have to acknowledge the fact that in several families in domestic violence husbands are affected.  But we should remember that when a wife beats her husband then it becomes ‘romance’, whereas if the husband hits back then it becomes ‘violence’.  In general, women have a strong mind and spirit.  So in most cases a husband often faces mental violence.  There is a joke about this.  When the divorce case reached the court, finally before giving his verdict the judge said to the husband, ‘I cannot tolerate a deserter’.  In response, the husband said, ‘My Lord you don’t know that lady. I didn’t desert her. I am only a refugee seeking asylum’.

Don’t think that being a single person I am not qualified to write about the relationship between man and woman.  I escaped only from one woman in my life, but I live with my mother.  A mother dominates more than a wife and she always thinks that even her grownup children, even after becoming old, are still immature and need her constant advice and guidance.²  So whether single or married, man cannot escape from the influence of a woman in life.  However, compared to men, a woman’s work is never done in life and without them, there is no meaning and purpose in life.  Though I have shared the following poems several times, still I never become tired, to share it one more time to highlight the importance of woman, particular a mother in a home:

She cooked the breakfast first of all,

Washed the cups and plates,

Dressed the children and made sure

Stockings all were mates.

Combed their heads and made their beds.

Sent them out to play

Gathered up their motley toys,

Put some books away,

Dusted chairs and mopped the stairs,

Ironed an hour or two

Baked a jar of cookies and

A pie, then made a stew

The telephone rang constantly,

The doorbell did the same,

A youngster fell and stubbed his toe,

And then the laundry came

She picked up blocks and mended socks,

Then she polished up the stove

(Gypsy folks were fortunate

with carefree ways to rove!)

And when her husband came at six

He said: ‘I envy you!

It must be nice to sit at home

Without a thing to do!

(Mothers) work on our behalf is never done. —Prev, un-known author about mothers in Good News Broadcaster, in 1985.

 Mathigiri, June 2020.

Notes 1

தாயோ டறுசுவைபோம் தந்தையொடு கல்விபோம்

சேயோடு தான்பெற்ற செல்வம்போம்-ஆயவாழ்

வுற்றா ருடன்போ முடற்பிறப்பாற் றோள்வலிபோம்

பொற்றாலி யோடெவையும் போம்.-ப.38

உரை: ….சிறப்பாக வாழும் வாழ்க்கை சுற்றத்தார் ஒழிந்தபோது இல்லாதாகும், சகோதரரில்லாதபோது பக்கத் துணையால் வரும் புய வலிமை ஒழிந்து போகும், பொன்னினாலாகிய மங்கல நாணணிந்த மனையாளிறந்தபோது எவ்வகையான நலன்களும் இல்லனவாம்-ப.38-39, 64தனிப்பாடல் திரட்டு,உரை கா. சுப்பிரமணிய பிள்ளை, சென்னை, நல்லறப் பதிப்பகம், 2007

முதல் தொகுதி

2. The small silver cup which my mother uses to keep milk for her prasad has been missing since yesterday. I searched everywhere but couldn’t find it. My mother told me to go and search in the garden where our domestic helper will throw the waste. By mistake when she put the wastes in the dust bin she dropped the silver cup also.  My mother easily guessed and told me to search for it in the garden where the helper will throw the garbage to make organic manure. And my mother was correct and we got her silver cup back from the garden.  Even for her age (now running 96) she has sharp memory power and always keeps an eye on the kitchen work, though I do all the kitchen work.