Introduction
Though I gave the title to my bhakti songs as ‘Bhakti theology’, I am not sure how ‘theological’ my views on my bhakti are. But since I cannot use the term ‘philosophy’, theology will do, although my views may not be strictly theological in the academic sense.
My songs represent a journey that is reflected in my bhakti. These songs have moulded my views, which although are not always endorsed by Muktivedic principle, are not opposed to its basic tenetwhich also varies according to one’s own understanding and interpretation of Muktiveda.
Since these songs represent my pilgrimage to the Lord, I will not dwell much on defining ‘bhakti’ and ‘theology’, and there are several scholarly books available on these subjects. For me, bhakti stands for my relationship with my Lord and theology tries to comprehend it intellectually, which cannot be expressed through words. So my songs reflect both my bhakti and my limited expression of my intellectual understanding through words.
Early struggle:
In my early walk as a bhakta of Bhagavan Muktinath, I appreciated the deep meaning of the lyrics of the hymns sung by the Christians, but they remained alien to me due to their music. Therefore I wrote and composed songs according to my taste in the Carnatic style and used them for my personal devotion. I didn’t share them with others for a long time. One reason was that I was afraid of being misunderstood for their style and music. I observed that any kind of Hindu form was not welcomed among evangelical circles. I faced this a lot in the early days of my bhakti in the Lord. When the Lord liberated me from the ‘Christian CAPTIVITY’ He also liberated my bhakti expression freely using my own Indian TERMS and FORMS.
Choice of Words:
I prefer to use ‘Muktinath’ [Mukti + Nath] or ‘Muktesan’ [Mukti + Iisan] or ‘Mukteswar [Mukti + Ishwar] as they stand for ‘Lord, God,’. As an Indian and Hindu I feel comfortable to use Indian terms to express my bhakti in the Lord. At the same time I respect others freedom of choice to use any word in which they feel comfortable. But if anyone objects me for using my Indian words, I don’t want to waste their time to help them to understand me. I don’t expect their endorsement to my bhakti. This I say not with any spirit of arrogance but there is no point of trying to convince each and everyone as my bhakti is my private space though I don’t have a PRIVATE God.
Similarly, I use the singular form (Nee, Avan) in addressing the Lord which shows familiarity in Indian languages. It is like addressing a Westerner by using her first name. In almost every Indian language a devotee addresses her personal deity using the singular form, whereas saints are addressed in plural form giving more respect to them.
In most Brahmin homes, the plural form is never used among siblings and also in addressing parents and very close relatives—even grandparents. Of course when we refer to them among others as a third person, we use the plural form. But when we address them as second person, we use only the singular form. So in my personal relationship with the Lord I feel at home when I use the singular form in my prayers and songs. Therefore I use only singular forms in addressing the Lord as ‘nee’ and ‘avan’.
Inspiration Strikes
At the same time most of my songs go beyond an intellectual understanding to some kind of mysticism that often overtook me as I wrote these songs. When I sit for prayer or meditation, I will suddenly feel some kind of inner compulsion or intuition to write about that ‘experience’ through a song. Several times one word or sentence will flash in my brain which I will go on repeating, not even allowing me to continue my prayer or meditation. I will immediately stop my prayer or meditation and take a paper or book and will write down
that first word or sentence.
Most of the time within a few minutes I will complete that song as words will naturally flow one after the other. Those who have written poetry can endorse this point. A few songs I wrote had a gap of a few days, weeks, months and even years. I have several such songs still incomplete with me now. One thing I know for sure is that however hard I tried, I never could write a song just for the sake of writing a song. Whenever I tried to write a song ‘artificially’, no matter how I strained my brain, no words would come naturally and wouldn’t fit with the lines. Thank God, I have never tried to write a song artificially this way.
Mysticism and Songs
For me, one main feeling for a song is emotion. But songs are not merely expressions of that emotion. Next to emotion, experience also plays an important role in writing a song. At the same time experience cannot be the foundation for any theology, particularly with that of Muktiveda. Similarly, some kind of mystic feelings overcame me which compelled me to express it through words.
However I cannot claim that I am a mystic in the strict sense. Intuition is another word that could be used for all these: emotion, experience, feeling, mysticism. Such intuition came when I was consciously awakened and a few times in my dreams. I have had a few dreams in which I was writing a song. Suddenly I wake up and, as I always keep a notebook and pencil by my bed, immediately write down those words or sentences that still echo in my brain. Later I will complete those songs.
But being a rationalistic person, I cannot accept all these terms as they are (emotion, feeling, intuition, mysticism, experience) or explain them by any words. So many of the following songs may not help others to understand my pilgrimage in the Lord. That is why I need to give some kind of background to most of the songs. The circumstances in which I wrote them are often more important for me to understand my bhakti theology, than I can communicate independently through the song. At times, the context of the song will be longer than the song itself.
Singing in my Mother Tongue
I tried my best to give my own English translation of my songs for the benefit of those who cannot read and understand Tamil though I don’t know proper English. Translation of poems from any mother tongue in other languages cannot communicate the original thought and spirit. I wish someone who knows better English could help me in translation. But as others have no time for that thankless job, I have to use my own poor English to give a rough translation. At the same time I strongly feel that the author’s original translation in another language [however poor that it would be] will come closer to the original spirit in her mother tongue than others who could give a better translation.
Walking Alone with the Lord
Finally, every saint needs to learn to walk alone. Though I have not become such a saint, when it comes to writing songs, I often feel that way when I am walking alone with my Lord. So though I welcome other’s critiques, questions, comments, corrections (in theology), and above all encouragement I am walking in this journey of Bhakti Theology songs alone with the Lord. In my study, learning, discussion and sharing, others have contributed a lot in shaping my thoughts and theology. But when it comes to the songs, I have to walk alone with the Lord.
Leave a Reply