BT Song 956
After my regular reading, meditation, and writing a song thanking God for the rain He sent, I retired to bed around 12:15 am. Then, I couldn’t sleep for a long time, thinking about various subjects I read in the books today. I turned on the light and saw that it was already one o’clock. Then I turned and said to the Lord, “Don’t do this. Give me some sleep.” Then I said in Tamil, “ஏட்டிக்குப் போட்டி
போடறதே உனக்கு வேலையா போச்சு. இதுக்கு நான்தான் கிடைச்சேனா?” It is very difficult to translate this into English for me. I said, “Don’t drag me unnecessarily by competing with me. This has become your regular habit.” I tried, but as I couldn’t sleep, I became very upset with the Lord and said in Tamil, “ஏட்டிக்குப் போட்டி போட்டா தோக்கறது நீதான் நான் இல்ல.” (If you compete with me, you alone will be defeated and not me.) Then I got up from the bed, turned on the light, and wrote this entire song within ten minutes. I went to bed with a smile.
BT Song 956: Defeat Will Be Yours
If you start a contest,
With me as your foe,
In the end, your loss
Is assured, this you know.
Despite my warning,
You still draw me in,
What more can I say,
As this battle begins?
In combat, warriors
Follow strict codes,
Only equals should clash
When they take up their swords.
How many times
Must I make it clear,
I’m not prepared
For this fight you hold dear?
If you seek a spectacle,
Am I the only one?
What more can I say,
When the fight has begun?
I’ve said many times
I’m not fit for your play,
My strength is depleted,
No more acting today.
All my power
Spent on previous acts,
Yet you demand more,
That’s a fact.
You won’t let me go,
This I see,
I’m getting ready,
As it’s become a habit, you see.
But if I collapse
While performing this show,
You must carry me,
This much you know.
So remember this,
Come to the stage with me,
Or else, defeat
Will surely be yours to see.
BT Song 957
Sometimes when I think about my own nature and the wretched condition of my heart, I shrink within myself, unable to come before the Lord. Though He redeemed me without considering my qualifications, and in fact, He Himself becomes my sole qualification to be redeemed, yet the wretchedness of my heart remains a permanent qualification in my life. I become sad when I think about it and often sit quietly before the Lord, recalling only my wretched condition. As that happened again this afternoon, as I sat quietly before the Lord, inspiration came, and I wrote this song as my prayer.
BT Song 957: My Eligibility
A sadness resides
Deep in my core,
It ignores my thoughts,
Leaves blessings no more.
It makes me live
As if I’m poor,
This emptiness inside
I can’t ignore.
Seeking the cause,
It points to my heart,
No matter my facade,
Emptiness won’t part.
Your righteousness
Shrinks my heart within,
Achieving none,
It deceives me again.
Though you did not
Redeem me for my worth,
That redemption itself
Now measures my worth.
Considering its greatness,
My heart tries to stray,
Oh Lord, from your path,
It wants to stay away.
How much have I lost?
To whom can I tell?
Without this qualification,
My eligibility fell.
I drowned in sorrow,
Burdened by its weight,
But Oh Lord, I return,
To your redeeming gate.
BT Song 958
I lost the first love with my Lord. However hard I work, I cannot regain that initial response and commitment that I made. At that time, without much theological understanding or even proper knowledge of the Muktiveda, something pulled me towards the Lord as I found my guru in Him. Joining with my heart, my mind often disturbs my atman and never allows it to have that first love with the Lord. Unless the Lord takes the initiative again, my atman remains frustrated. When He redeems me to remind me about that first love, then I realize that He often has to redeem what belongs to Him.
BT Song 958: You Redeemed What Belongs to You
This struggle within
Endures without end,
No matter my efforts,
This game won’t amend.
I’ve often lost
My first love for you,
Trials come,
And love dims too.
You stay faithful,
Never deny yourself,
Yet my heart and mind
Stray from your shelf.
My changing heart
Leads my mind astray,
Knowing the soul’s pain,
They still won’t stay.
With no other choice,
You redeem me anew,
A tired soul
Takes refuge in you.
Once redeemed,
Truth becomes clear,
Though I forgot,
You always were near.
BT Song 959
The compassion of the Lord is expressed through His love, which He demonstrated on the Cross. Though it looks very crude and abhorrent to me, it is like how a mother takes medicine when she feeds milk to her baby in the early months when the baby cannot take medicine to be cured of sickness. The Lord had to undergo such radical pain for my sake. In modern times, treatments begin for the baby even in the womb. But until recently, in India, a feeding mother would consume some (herbal) medicine when the baby became sick. I have witnessed this. There, the love of a mother acts by showing her compassion. The Lord has done the same for me.
BT Song 959: Like a Mother
Compassion and love,
Forever entwined,
Through love alone,
Compassion we find.
The poor one speaks
From newfound insight,
Understanding a secret,
Hidden from sight.
He came to save me,
Gave himself for my sake,
His compassion
A path I didn’t take.
‘How can compassion
From death on a tree be known?’
I questioned,
Not understanding what was shown.
To heal a child’s ailment,
A mother takes the cure,
To lift my sin’s burden,
He took it, pure.
With a mother’s love,
He showed me the way,
To grasp in my heart
His love every day.
Knowing his love,
Through compassion deep,
Understanding it fully,
My heart did weep.
To show my love,
I accepted his grace,
Letting his compassion
Fill my heart’s space.
BT Song 960
As I often say, I learned to keep short accounts with the Lord. I will talk with Him anytime I like, particularly when I am cooking or going for my evening walk. Often, the few seconds I spend having intimate fellowship with Him, silently pouring out my heart, are the best part of my day. As I did today, I wrote this song to share this with Him in worship.
BT Song 960: I Will Come Often
I bow once more,
To you, my gracious one,
Singing praises to you,
Until the day is done.
Oh God, my father,
Come quickly to me,
Seek my heart,
And in it, be.
I follow my mind,
Through daily chores,
Yet I will come often,
To open our doors.
Oh gracious one,
Life given to live,
Your grace bestowed,
Songs to you I give.
Sense given to enjoy,
Daily realizations of love,
Knowing your presence,
In life’s ebb and flow.
Rejoicing in living
With you by my side,
I will sing your praises,
In devotion, abide.
BT Song 956 Defeat Will Be Yours
If you begin to
Compete with me,
Finally, defeat will
Be yours, I clearly told.
After knowing this,
If you drag me unnecessarily,
What can I
Further say about it?
When soldiers fight,
They have a
Common set of
Rules to combat.
There is a rule
That only
Two equally strong soldiers
Should fight each other.
How many times
Can I say
That I am not
Ready for combat with you?
If you want to
Show some tamasha,
Am I the only one available?
What can I say about it?
I told several times
That I am not
The proper person
For your lila (divine play).
I clearly told you
That I don’t have
Energy to act
On the stage further.
All my strength
Has already gone
In the acts
I already performed (for you).
But your expectation
That I alone should
Continue to act
Becomes the problem now.
But you won’t
Let me go that easily,
That also is
Very clear to me.
Therefore, I am
Getting ready;
This has also become
Your habit.
But while
I perform and faint,
You alone should
Come to carry me.
Remembering this,
You better come
With me (to the stage),
Otherwise, defeat is yours.
Mathigiri, 31-08-2018 (1-9-2018), 12:30 a.m.
BT Song 957 My Eligibility
There is some kind of sadness within me.
It refuses to understand my thoughts and actions.
It loses the blessings in life.
It makes me live like a poor man.
When I was searching for the reason for this,
It says that it is the thought in my deeper heart.
However I pretend outwardly,
There is full of emptiness within me.
When I think about your righteousness,
My heart shrinks within me.
Not achieving even a bit of it,
My heart deceives me by cheating me.
Though you did not redeem me seeing my eligibility,
That redemption alone becomes my eligibility now.
But when I was thinking about its greatness,
Oh my Lord, my heart tries to keep away from you.
How can I say how much I lost?
To whom shall I say how I cheated myself?
Without this qualification,
What else do I have as eligibility?
Thinking about it, I drowned in sorrow.
I become low in my heart because of its burden.
But Oh my Lord, I again took refuge at your feet
Because of the redemption that you gave to me.
Mathigiri, 3-9-2018, 2:50 p.m.
BT Song 958 You Redeemed What Belongs to You
This is a struggle that remains forever.
This is the one unchanging nature in my heart.
However, I try my best,
This dance will never go away from me.
I have often lost
My first love for you.
I will forget it slowly
As the trials come one after another.
However, you remain faithful,
Though you refuse to deny yourself.
Though I know it by my buddhi,
I will be defeated in my bhakti.
The changing heart will change me,
My buddhi also will join with my heart.
Though they know the pain of the atman,
They will refuse to turn back to you.
As there is no other alternative,
You will rush to redeem me.
The atman, which becomes tired,
Will rush to you and take refuge in you.
Once you redeem what belongs to you,
The atman will also realize this truth.
Even though I often forgot you,
The greatness of you is that you never forsake me.
Mathigiri, 5-9-2018, 2:30 p.m.
BT Song 959 Like a Mother
Compassion and love
Will remain together.
Only through love
Can compassion be understood.
The poor one
Tells this after understanding it:
I understood that secret
Which none have understood.
He came only
To redeem me.
He gave himself
Out of compassion.
Still, I
Never understood it.
I never realized
Its greatness.
‘By dying
On the tree,
How can compassion
Be understood?’ I asked.
To remove
The sickness of the child,
As the mother
Takes medicine,
To remove
The burden of my sin,
He took it
On himself.
He showed
That motherly love
For my
Heart to understand.
Knowing that love
In his compassion,
Understanding it
In my melted heart,
In order to
Show my love for him,
I accepted his
Love in my heart.
Mathigiri, 6-9-2018, 11:30 p.m.
BT Song 960 I Will Come Often
I came and bowed again,
Oh charitable one.
I sang your praises
Again and again.
Oh God, my father,
You should come
Quickly by
Seeking my heart (to dwell in it).
I go as my
Mind leads.
I do many things
In everyday life.
Amidst them,
I will come
Often to you
To talk with you.
Oh charitable one,
You gave life only to live.
You gave your grace
To sing your praises.
You gave sense
In order to
Enjoy every day
And to realize your love.
Realizing your
Presence with me,
Thinking as you
Mingled with my life,
Rejoicing in the
Greatness of living with you,
I will sing your praises
By abiding in bhakti.
Mathigiri, 7-9-2018, 2:50 p.m.
BT Song 956 தோல்வி உனது
ஏட்டிக்குப் போட்டி
என்னுடன் போட்டால்
இறுதியில் தோல்வி
உனக்குத்தான் சொன்னேன்
இதையும் தெரிந்து
வம்புக்கு வந்தால்
இதற்கும் மேலே
நானென்ன சொல்வேன்
போரிடும் போது
வீரருக்குள்ளே
பொதுவான விதி
ஒன்று உள்ளது
சமபலம் உள்ளவர்
மட்டுமே சண்டை
போடணும் என்று
விதியும் உள்ளது
வம்புக்கு நானும்
வரவில்லை என்று
எத்தனை முறை
உன்னிடம் சொல்வது
வேடிக்கை உனக்குக்
காட்டணும் என்றால்
நானா அகப்பட்டேன்
வேறென்ன சொல்வது
உனது லீலைக்கு
ஆளில்லை நானென்று
எத்தனை முறை
முன்னமே சொன்னேன்
இதற்கும் மேலே
மேடை ஏறத்
தெம்பும் இல்லை
தெளிவாய் சொன்னேன்
இதுவரை ஆடிய
ஆட்டத்தினாலே
இருந்த தெம்பும்
காலியாய்ப் போச்சு
இன்னும் நானே
ஆடணும் எனநீ
சொல்வதுதான் இங்கு
வம்பாய்ப் போச்சு
ஆயினும் நீயோ
விடவும் மாட்டாய்
அதுவும் எனக்குப்
புரிஞ்சுப் போச்சு
ஆகவே நானும்
ஆயத்தமானேன்
இதுவும் உனக்கு
வழக்கம் ஆச்சு
ஆடும் போதே
மயங்கி வீழ்ந்தால்
தூக்க நீதான்
வரணும் என்பதை
உணர்ந்து நீயும்
கூடவே வந்திடு
இல்லாவிட்டால்
தோல்வி உனது
மத்திகிரி, 31-08-2018 (1-9-2018), 12:30 a.m.
BT Song 957 எனது தகுதி
சோகம் ஒன்று இழையோடிடுது
சொல்லையும் செயலையும் புரிய மறுக்குது
வாழ்ந்திடும் வாழ்வில் வளமையை இழக்குது
வறியவனாக வாழ வைக்குது
காரணம் எதுவெனத் தேடும்போது
ஆழ்மனதில் உள்ள எண்ணம் என்குது
வெளியாக எத்தனை வேடம் போட்டினும்
உள்ளாக வெறுமை நிறைந்தே இருக்குது
நீவைத்த நீதியை நினைத்திடும்போது
நெஞ்சமும் மருங்கி உள்ளே சுருங்குது
எள்ளவேனும் அதையடையாமல்
என்னுளம் ஏய்த்து என்னையே வஞ்சிக்குது
தகுதியைப் பார்த்து மீட்காத போதும்
மீட்புமே தகுதியாய் எனக்கு இருக்குது
ஆயினும் அதன் மேன்மையை எண்ணிட
ஐயனே என்னுள்ளம் ஒதுங்க நினைக்குது
இழந்தது எத்தனை எப்படிச் சொல்ல
என்னையே ஏய்த்ததை எவரிடம் சொல்ல
இந்தத் தகுதி ஒன்றே அன்றி
என்னிடம் உள்ளது எதுவெனச் சொல்ல
அதனை எண்ணிச் சோகத்தில் ஆழ்ந்தேன்
அதுதரும் பாரத்தால் உள்ளத்தில் தாழ்ந்தேன்
ஆயினும் நீதந்த மீட்பினால் மீண்டும்
ஐயனே உன்னடி சரணம் புகுந்தேன்
மத்திகிரி, 3-9-2018, மதியம் 2.50
BT Song 958 உனதை மீட்டாய்
என்றுமே உள்ள போராட்டம்
உள்ளத்தில் மாறாத மாறாட்டம்
என்னதான் முயன்று பார்த்தாலும்
இறுதிவரை போகாச் சதிராட்டம்
ஆதியில் கொண்ட அன்பதனை
அடிக்கடி நானும் இழந்திருந்தேன்
அடுத்தடுத்து வரும் சோதனையால்
அதையே மெல்ல மறந்திடுவேன்
எத்தனை உண்மையாய் நீயிருந்தும்
உன்னையே மறுக்க மறுத்திருந்தும்
புத்தியால் அதை நான் அறிந்திருந்தும்
பக்தியில் நானும் தோற்றிடுவேன்
மாறிடும் மனதும் மாற்றிடுமே
மனதுடன் மதியும் இணைந்திடுமே
உயிர்படும் வேதனை அறிந்திருந்தும்
உன்னிடம் திரும்பிட மறுத்திடுமே
வேறு வழியின்றி இரங்கி நீயும்
விரைவாய் மீண்டும் மீட்டிடவே
வாடி நின்ற உயிர் மீண்டு
விரைந்திடும் உன்னையே சரணடைய
உனதை உனக்காய் மீட்டபின்னே
உயிரும் உணரும் உண்மையினை
என்னதான் உன்னையே மறந்தபோதும்
என்னை நீ புறக்கா மேன்மையினை
மத்திகிரி, 5-9-2018, மதியம், 2.30
BT Song 959 தாயைப் போல
கருணையும் காதலும்
கலந்தே இருக்கும்
காதலின் மூலமே
கருணை விளங்கும்
ஏழை நானிதை
அறிந்தே சொன்னேன்
எவரும் அறியா
இரகசியம் புரிந்தேன்
கரையேற்ற வென்று
இரங்கியே வந்தான்
கருணையின் மிகுதியால்
தன்னையே தந்தான்
ஆயினும் நானதை
அறியா திருந்தேன்
அதனின் மேன்மை
புரியா திருந்தேன்
மரத்தில் தொங்கி
மாள்வதின் மூலம்
கருணை எவ்விதம்
விளங்கிடும் என்றேன்
சேயின் நோயைப்
போக்க வென்று
மருந்தை உண்ணும்
தாயைப் போல
எனது பாவச்
சுமையைப் போக்க
ஏற்றான் அவனும்
தன்மீ தென்று
எனது உள்ளம்
உணரும் வண்ணம்
அன்னையின் அன்பைக்
காட்டினான் அவனும்
அந்தக் கருணையில்
அவனது அன்பை
அறிந்தே நானும்
கசிந்தே மனதில்
எனது அன்பைக்
காட்ட வேண்டி
ஏற்றேன் அவனது
காதலை மனதில்
மத்திகிரி, 6-9-2018, இரவு, 11.30
BT Song 960 அடிக்கடி வருவேன்
வந்தடி பணிந்தேன்
வள்ளலே மீண்டும்
வாழ்த்தியே பாடினேன்
உன்னையே நானும்
எந்தையே இறைவா
என்னுளம் தேடி
வந்திட வேண்டும்
விரைந்துமே நீயும்
சிந்தையின் போக்கில்
போகிறேன் நாளும்
செயல்பல செய்கிறேன்
வாழ்விலே நானும்
அவற்றின் இடையே
உன்னிடம் வந்து
அடிக்கடி பேசுவேன்
உன்னிடம் நானும்
வாழத்தான் வாழ்வை
வள்ளலே தந்தாய்
வாழ்ந்திட நீயும்
உன்னருள் தந்தாய்
ஒவ்வொரு நாளையும்
துய்த்துமே வாழ
உன்னன்பை உணர
உணர்வையும் தந்தாய்
என்னுடன் நீயும்
இருப்பதை உணர்ந்து
என்வாழ்வில் ஒன்றாகக்
கலந்ததை நினைந்து
உன்னோடு வாழும்
பேரினை உவந்து
உன்னையே துதிப்பேன்
பக்தியில் நிலைத்து
மத்திகிரி, 7-9-2018, மதியம், 2.50
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