No Simple Solution to Suffering Except Sharing

No Simple Solution to Suffering Except Sharing

If anyone gives any simple solution to a complicated human problem, it always surprises me. For example, suffering is a big subject in life. From time immemorial, many philosophers have tried to address this problem to find some solution to it. However, when one reads them, she might get some interesting information about it. But when she is actually facing the suffering, most of the time, that information never provides any solution or even gives any respite to her. So when I read the following one such piece of information about handling suffering instead of accepting it, I began to ask some questions.

…When we are unhappy, we tend to stay wrapped in the emotional layer, holding on to the idea that ‘I am the sufferer.’ If we can stand apart and watch the unhappy thoughts as a disinterested witness, the thought pattern changes from ‘I am unhappy’ to ‘these are unhappy thoughts.’ The fact is that I can observe my body; I can also observe my emotions and ideas. One disassociates the ‘I’ from the unhappiness because one has shifted one’s identification from the sufferer to the witness of the sufferer. 

How long will the thoughts remain unhappy without the cooperation of ‘I’? It is the mind that suffers, not I. The ‘I’ has become a witness. There is a strange happiness even in watching our unhappy minds. One need not try and remove those thoughts; one should just watch them without classifying them as good or bad and let them come out of our subconscious, just as fizz comes out of a soda bottle when the cap is released.— The Mind’s Conquest of Pain & Suffering Anjali Singh, p. 91

Well, she has a point in analyzing the problem of suffering by dividing human faculties as ‘mind,’ ‘I,’ ‘body,’ etc. In fact, I have tried this method when I had some suffering in my body. When I cut my finger, or burnt it, or got severe stomach pain or a headache, if nothing works, then I would lie down and begin to trace that pain and how it begins, grows, and spreads, etc. Then soon my mind begins to overcome it. However, there are various kinds of suffering in life. Most of the time we suffer not in the body but in our minds. At that time, the same trick never helps much—at least for me. Particularly when I get physical pain because of my mistake or due to some accident caused by others’ mistakes, I can try to work this trick. But when I suffer in my mind because of a problem not created by me, then most of the time nothing works. The best solution is to seek others’ help, at least sharing it with them—though they cannot find any solution or be in a position to help us.

This is one important part of our life as HUMAN and SOCIAL animals. Most of our sufferings come because of our relationship with others. And the solution also should come only through the same relationship—either from the person who is the cause of our suffering or someone else who can understand and help us. Merely analyzing the problem and trying to find the solution through this so-called ‘I,’ as if it can stand alone separated from body, mind, buddhi, and atman to remain merely a witness, is mere idealism. Technical terms can help us articulate our thoughts, but they cannot provide the solution. For example, ‘…The Indian philosophical tradition attributes perception to the mind, conceptualization to the intellect, and illumination to the self….’ says Anant G. Nadkarni [Learn to Let God, Adapt to Change, The Best of Speaking Tree, p. 86]. Well, Nadkarni might be correct in this, or our Indian philosophical tradition might correctly divide our psyche into these terms like ‘mind,’ ‘intellect,’ and ‘self.’ But for me, there is some truth in the reversal. We know certain technical terms in English like ‘perception,’ ‘conception,’ and ‘illumination,’ etc. Then in order to understand those technical terms, we attribute them to each of the faculties again in English words like ‘mind,’ ‘intellect,’ etc. In fact, the way human psyche is analyzed using various technical terms in various traditions in various languages is very complicated. I read somewhere that in Greek tradition, the ‘kidney’ is the seat of emotion, not the heart. Similarly, Jewish literature used other terms to understand the human psyche. For example, when the Psalm says ‘bless the Lord of my soul,’ it actually means ‘bless the Lord, oh my soul, mind, heart, and body,’ as they never divided the human psyche as it was done in other traditions. Similarly, Indian philosophy also divided suffering into various categories. About this, Matilal says:

…The first is called duhkha-duhkha, under which all ordinarily unpleasant things and unhappy mental states are classified. The second group consists of what would ordinarily be known as pleasant objects and happy feelings. They are to be judged as duhkha because they change and decay and do not stay long enough to impart happiness…. The third type of duhkha is called samskaara-duhkha, a more pervasive and abstract type of unhappiness….— The Collected Essays of Bimal Krishna Matilal: Ethics and Epics, ed. Jonardon Ganeri, New Delhi, Oxford, 2002, p. 369

Similarly, there is another category [which I cannot document now] called ‘adyatmika’ [caused by oneself], ‘adibowthika’ [caused by others], and ‘adidaivika’ [caused by God].

Finally, recently I shared my problem with the Lord in song 1263. And Dr. Hoefer’s comment helped me to approach this problem in a different way. Then another person in our group wrote to me, ‘This is really beautiful. What are the alternatives that you are looking for? If you think it’s okay to share, please do.’ Then I wrote a long email. I began that email by writing:

First of all, I don’t want to play any victim card. Similarly, I am not upset with anyone—except with the Lord. I always count all the blessings that God has given me in spite of a few challenges in taking care of my mother. Relatively, we both enjoy good health and at present manage to do our things. So when I seek help from others—mostly from my siblings as they too have the responsibility to take care of our mother—I have to consider their limitations as family people….

Here I find the best solution to handle human suffering: SHARING. The rest of the analyses using various technical terms will help us to get some information and learn certain technical terms, not more than this.

Response from Vijaya

Vanakkam Swamiji,

As they say in Tamil, “noontheke noore ummai. [100 % True] ” Apologies for not replying immediately to your post. You express and put it all well into words. If only you knew of my “pulummbals [lamentations].” It will be different for each one of us, as our life journeys are different. Yet, we all can reach His peace and find comfort in Him. Only in Him. Even as believers, we can have our own views, and sometimes it is not helpful when others endorse theirs as His, forgetting that we all have different life circumstances and come from different backgrounds and cultures.

I used to feel guilty that I am not in a churchy environment. But often He will remind me what is important and relevant. I am so thankful and grateful that He led me to work with hopeless people who were unbelievers. It taught me about being HUMAN. It can easily happen to me too. I can go on and on….

Today, I am thankful that HE KNOWS MY HEART, just like how you pour out in your bhakti songs. I am an unknown church member, absolutely fine (though at times I think I am not doing my part), yet He has blessed me with fellowship with you and others who are like-minded—respecting our journeys with Him and most importantly, not feeling guilty about not telling others about Him. I share with the life I live and am prepared to tell of His miracles. How He led me to you itself is a miracle.

Remembering you and Paati always, Swamiji.

Nandri, vanakkam, Vj

17-08-2021

Part Two

I am not writing something new that you don’t already know. But I would like to narrate it from my personal experience. As I have already mentioned, both happiness and sorrow are conditioned by three factors—adyatmika, adiboutika, and adidaivika—personal, outsiders, and natural forces. The first one has very limited choices. For example, I can read any book, or watch the news, or listen to music of my personal choice and interest. But in most other areas, it is conditioned either by the two other factors or at least one. For example, I can eat any food of my choice provided it is prepared by others according to my need and taste. Natural forces also have a place. For example, even if I get the choice of my food prepared by others, I should have an appetite and good health to enjoy it.

This being the reality in our life, just keeping the ‘I’ alone as a witness, separating it from other human faculties plus the contribution of other factors, looks a bit artificial to me—however, it is a very interesting approach. I won’t say that either the author or many people have not effectively practiced this and overcome suffering or enjoyed perfect happiness in life.

When anyone suffers due to the reason of all these combined forces, it is very easy for anyone to give a solution without understanding her situation. Here alone, according to me, ‘sharing’ helps. Once we share, or others are ready to listen and try to understand, they can give some practical suggestions to handle the ‘suffering,’ if not overcome it.

Recently, I experienced this in my life. I don’t need to repeat what I have already shared. I am taking care of my mother very happily without any regret. But as we both become older, I now feel that I need someone’s extra help so that we both—my mother and I—can manage the rest of our lives a bit more comfortably. For this, I planned various alternatives. Many understood my situation as they too have similar responsibilities of taking care of senior relatives in their families. But when I planned, I had to consider various options because of the limitations I faced.

If it were about my personal life alone, I could easily make one strong decision and implement it at my personal cost. But as this involves others’ contributions, I have to consider all our limitations. Some can go the extra mile as they have similar obligations like me. But when one plan after another collapsed due to various limitations, I often had to change my plan. Not understanding my situation, most of them thought that I was not stable, very fickle, and often changed my plan as I had various alternatives. Some tried to respond, and most preferred to keep away as they could not give proper suggestions knowing my struggle. Understanding their limitations, I never felt hurt but had to narrow down my options. When I almost finalized it with the cooperation of my close relatives, who also had a stake in our collective responsibility of taking care of my [or our] mother, one of them began to seriously criticize me, saying that I was not able to take one strong decision because he had never had such experience in his life (of taking care of any seniors in his family). But some other members in our family became upset because, though they wanted to help, external forces beyond our control were not allowing us to implement that plan. They tried their best, even going the third and fourth mile. But it didn’t work.

Then I called one of my best friends who has known me for more than 40 years. He is also a good counselor. As he knows my situation [and has undergone a similar but very limited situation in his life where many people were there to help him], I did not need to explain all the details. Though he wanted to help, due to his health and other conditions he could not help [which he decided in the past but now corona spoiled it]. But I could share [without any reservation] with him, and he would give the best suggestions and even warn me before I finalized one plan.

So after experiencing all these, I would strongly suggest that ‘SHARING’ is the best solution for suffering—of course, not with everyone giving every minute detail but with sympathizers and empathizers. Other idealistic suggestions, however colorful they might look, might give some information and technical terms for us to learn but won’t provide practical solutions.

There is a reason for me to say that not sharing our personal struggles with everyone. Because in our temptation to share some of our personal struggles, we might think that our experience might help others in a similar situation. But some might not be in a position or situation to understand our particular experience. The worst scenario is that, in the name of praying for our needs, they might even share our story with many strangers, which will end up in gossip rather than actually praying for us. This I have personally experienced in my life. What we share in the name of prayer points soon ends up as gossip, which will finally return to us in a completely altered form and force us not to share anything about in life. So don’t share with everyone. Similarly, don’t keep everything locked in your own mind. But see who can empathize with you and then share only with them.

17-08-2021