Friendliness vs. Friendship

 

The concept of ‘friendliness’ differs significantly from ‘friendship.’ While the former embodies a broader, more universal approach, the latter often involves personal interests and can sometimes be seen as selfish, even crude, akin to raw mutton (to borrow a metaphor from Osho). Suki Sivam, in his talk on July 5th on Sun TV, emphasized this distinction, quoting the life of Buddha, who had no specific ‘friends’ but exhibited friendliness toward all beings. He concluded that we should all strive for friendliness rather than focusing solely on friendship.

However, on July 12th, on Vijay TV’s program “Neeya Nana,” Gopinath led a lively debate on the greatness of friendship, providing a counterpoint to Sivam’s idealism.

### The Role of Idealism and Realism

Idealism, like the concept of universal friendliness, serves an essential role in motivating us to rise above our limited perspectives and strive for greater things. It encourages us to raise the bar and achieve more than we might otherwise believe possible. However, real life cannot be lived solely on the basis of idealism. Without the grounding influence of real-life experiences, idealism can remain mere talk.

Friendliness is an admirable ideal, but friendship is crucial for embodying and living out that ideal. Friendship is based on relationships that need to be cultivated and nurtured. As human beings, even the noblest ideals become effective only when they are implemented through relationships. For example, we can be friendly with everyone, but to sustain and deepen that friendliness, we need personal connections with others. Friendliness without friendship lacks depth and continuity.

We can exhibit friendliness towards animals or nature, but these relationships cannot develop in the same way human friendships do because animals and nature cannot reciprocate in a manner that deepens the connection. Friendship, on the other hand, thrives on mutual give-and-take, which helps build and maintain relationships.

### An Example from Swamiji’s Experience

Suki Sivam shared the story of a Swamiji (possibly Ram Theerth) who traveled to England without knowing anyone there. During his voyage, an Englishman asked where he would stay in England. Swamiji responded that he didn’t know. Later, when the Englishman asked who his friend in England was, Swamiji replied that the person standing before him was that friend. The Englishman, realizing Swamiji referred to him, welcomed him into his home.

Suki Sivam interpreted this as a testament to Swamiji’s universal friendliness, enabling him to turn a stranger into a friend. But the story raises a question: What happened after that visit? In our lives, we meet many people and interact with them in a friendly manner, but often, these connections fade with time. True friendship is different—it requires a commitment to maintaining and deepening the relationship.

### Friendliness vs. Friendship: The Bigger Picture

Friendship, like all relationships, demands personal commitment. Friendliness, on the other hand, is an ideal that can inspire and motivate but remains abstract if not grounded in real-life friendships. Without a friend, the concept of friendship remains just that—a concept. Similarly, without friendship, the ideal of friendliness may remain unattainable.

In a way, friendliness and friendship are like the concepts of ‘rta’ and ‘dharma’ in Indian philosophy. ‘Rta’ represents the cosmic order, while ‘dharma’ represents personal duty. Just as following one’s dharma is essential to maintaining ‘rta,’ nurturing personal relationships through friendship is essential to embodying the ideal of friendliness.

Most literature and cultural traditions glorify ‘friend’ and ‘friendship’ rather than ‘friendliness.’ For me, friendship is more important and valuable than the abstract ideal of friendliness. Therefore, cultivate real friendships and develop deep personal relationships. Without these, life may remain barren, lacking the richness that comes from meaningful human connections.

### Hospitality and Cultural Context

Regarding the hospitality Swamiji received from the unknown British man, this is not surprising to Indians. In Indian culture, the concept of “Atithi” (a + thiti = without date) refers to someone who arrives without prior notice or invitation. Welcoming and providing hospitality to such a guest, even a stranger, is not just a virtue but the duty, or dharma, of a householder. As Valluvar says:

**செல்விருந்து ஓம்பி வருவிருந்து பார்த்திருப்பான் 

நல்விருந்து வானத் தவர்க்கு –குரல் 86**

*The guest arrived he tends, the coming guest expects to see; 

To those in heavenly homes that dwell, a welcome guest is he.*

**Explanation:** 

He who entertains guests who have come and looks out for others who may yet arrive will be a welcome guest in the homes of heaven.

With this in mind, Swamiji might have subtly indicated his presence, expecting such hospitality. At the same time, I acknowledge that in the West, a stranger is generally not accepted as a guest unless invited. I’ve noticed this with some Westerners in India. Therefore, I appreciate the courtesy extended by that British man. However, in Indian culture, providing hospitality for a few days is considered dharma, not necessarily an act of friendliness.

13-7-2009. Gurukulam.  Revised on 2-9-2024