Old Wine in New Bottles

Old Wine in New Bottles

As a Sannyasi, it might seem that I should refrain from discussing or writing on certain topics. One of my disciples once requested me not to post an article where I mentioned sex, acting as a sort of “moral police.” However, what I wish to share here comes from my observations as a fellow human being rather than a sannyasi, who is traditionally expected to live apart from society. I must clarify that this artificial separation between a sannyasi and society is, in itself, misguided. I have always maintained that without society, even a sannyasi has no existence or identity.

Now, to the point. Every Sunday, I eagerly anticipate watching one of my favorite programs on Vijay TV, Neeya Naana (You or Me), hosted by Sri Gopinath. I have shared some of my thoughts based on this program before. However, when I watched it yesterday, I was a bit disappointed. Once again, the topic of discussion was ‘love marriages.’ Gopinath has already conducted several episodes on this topic from various perspectives. Since I have neither experience nor interest in the subject, I usually switch to other channels when this topic comes up. During commercial breaks, I (we) often flip between channels to catch important points from two of our favorite programs airing simultaneously.

Before switching to watch a Carnatic music program on another channel (TTD—without commercial breaks), I listened to Gopinath’s introduction: “Love marriage in Tamil culture: those who oppose and those who support.” He mentioned that with rapid urbanization, many love marriages are happening in Tamil society, as boys and girls have more opportunities to interact.

My point is not about love marriage itself or the statistics showing its increase. Rather, in Tamil culture, love marriage is not a new concept. Anyone who reads Sangam literature—particularly the Aham literature like Natrinai, Kurunthohai, Iyung Kurunooru, and Kalithohai—will find numerous poems about love marriages and the opposition to them. There is nothing novel to discuss on this topic, as both proponents and opponents will likely offer rhetorical views. After switching to Carnatic music, I didn’t follow the rest of the discussion on the program.

My concern is not with love marriage but with how urbanization has diminished the moral commitment and responsibility once cherished in such unions. What worries me is the high percentage of failed love marriages that now haunt many families and society, not only in Tamil Nadu but across India. In the name of modernity and progress (also human rights), individual rights are rapidly promoted, often based on Western views and values. However, the Indian values of family and responsibility (dharma = duty with moral responsibility) are fast disappearing. I am not suggesting that there were no failed love marriages in the past; there were many, as recorded in literature. Yet, even in those cases, women often remained the victims. While men who deserted women could easily find new partners, society often did not permit women the same freedom, making remarriage for divorced or deserted women difficult.

We Indians share several values with other civilizations, such as love marriage. However, we have our own social values that provide checks and balances to protect individuals’ interests. The family is a strong Indian value that offers security and identity to individuals. Marriage, in India, is a family responsibility that does not end with the wedding. Through marriage, parents bring a daughter-in-law into the family, not just arrange a wife for their son. In India, marriage connects two families, not just two individuals. When young people, driven by impatience, push their parents to accept their love marriage and marry against their wishes, they often find themselves without support when facing problems in their married life, particularly in their relationships. Urbanization, in the name of modernity, can exacerbate these issues, damaging not only personal lives but also the fabric of families who may distance themselves from the responsibility of supporting such marriages.

There is hardly a village in India, particularly in Tamil Nadu, untouched by love marriage, with or without parental support. However, the social fabric of the village offers some security to the girl when problems arise in her marriage. The boy cannot easily escape his responsibility and commitment. In contrast, in urban areas, where individuals often live without close community ties, many of our cherished values, including those related to love marriage, face serious challenges. I hope that Gopinath and the participants in the program addressed this aspect as well.

Db. January 21, 2013