I may not be the best person to address this issue, but having observed the lives of several families and faced similar situations myself (though not with a life partner, but through other relationships), I can share some common patterns—though, as always, there will be variations.
The relationship between husband and wife is delicate and complex. Unlike other relationships, where love, care, and concern can coexist with some degree of distance, marriage involves a deep union in every sense. As “one flesh,” spouses live in a dynamic of both love and conflict, often tossed by the waves of emotion in their lives. In this relationship, they contribute not only to their personal lives but also to their immediate family (children) and extended families (parents and others), creating a web of complex feelings. When they fail in their commitments or responsibilities, it can bring tension between them, leading to guilt and complex emotions. The partner who feels they have done more may develop a sense of superiority, while the other, despite their sincere efforts, may struggle with feelings of inferiority and guilt.
In such situations, as I have observed, a common way to cope with guilt or inferiority (as well as the feelings of victimhood and superiority) is through fault-finding. Whether expressed through words or actions, fault-finding seems almost inevitable. Personally, I don’t think it’s entirely wrong, as it can initially help release stress—though care must be taken not to let it create new stress. At this stage, it’s not a matter of tolerance or forgiveness. Since the partners know each other so well, fault-finding can sometimes lead to a better understanding of each other. However, the best approach to maintaining a strong relationship based on commitment and responsibility is not to react when your partner engages in fault-finding.
Fault-finding can be seen as a kind of mental distress, and those who engage in it should be approached with sympathy rather than confrontation, which could worsen their condition and add to their burdens. Often, the best treatment for someone in this state is simply to allow them to find fault. If the other partner can remain calm and avoid playing the victim, it can serve as the best remedy—allowing the fault-finder to eventually reflect on their mistakes, failures, and perhaps even repent. In a true relationship, there should be no place for isolated or individual victimhood.
Dayanand Bharati, Gurukulam, April 24, 2011
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