On October 3, 1985, suddenly I got deep depression. I want to talk with someone pouring my whole heart. But with whom I can talk? Whoever may be it, the comfort that humans give will disappear? Therefore I sat in the corner of the veranda where I lived at Gonda and watched a spider spinning its nest. Suddenly I felt some kind of divine presence around me. I felt someone gently touch my head. I felt some kind of peace pouring within me like morning due. Silently I wept. The same evening, when I recalled that incident, I wrote this song within 10 minutes. That experience still remains fresh to me today. This is one incident which I can never forget in my life—however strange it looks to others. But I never claimed that I have seen the ‘vision’ of the Lord though in the early days of my bhakti, I longed for it. When I was studying in the Institute, I got special permission not to join with other teams to go to the villages to share the gospel. I took my lunch and will go to the nearby hill side. I sat silently under some tree in a lonely place and began to chant some mantra that I created myself (Om namo bhagavate Muktinataya namaha). I will go on chanting it repeatedly for some time. There I was longing to have the ‘dharsan’ of the Lord as He appeared to His disciples. But when I returned in the evening I felt the same mantra continue to echo in my brain repeatedly. Then it continued even when I was sleeping and was in my class. Then I realized that this kind of ‘sadhana’ is not good for me to progress in my bhakti, as it tries to ‘control’ me. It took several weeks for me to come out of it. This happened in late 1981.
For me bhakti is not mere experience or sentiment or emotion but needs clear understanding. In fact bhakti without jnana will remain mere sentiment and might create several blind faiths or formulas in the name of ‘sadhana’. As ‘truth’ and ‘love’ compliment each other, bhakti and jnana guard each other, never distorting their true nature. I think it was John Stott who said, ‘love without truth becomes very soft and truth without love becomes very hard’. Commenting on ‘Speaking the truth in love’ (Eph. 4:15) he commented ‘truthing in love’. Similarly bhakti without jnana will become mere sentiment and jnana without bhakti will become abstract intellectual understanding. Of course according to the Indian (Hindu) tradition ‘knowledge’ is essential for mukti and rest (karma, bhakti) are means to attain it. But I never come across any scriptural reference exactly promoting this concept. It could be another attempt for a systematic presentation of the Three Margas (ways) viz., Karma, bhakti and jnana margas—particularly based on Bhagavadgita. When conflicting views are presented side by side in the same scripture, cementing them to present a uniform thought such synthesis is attempted. Every synthesis in a religious tradition to minimize the contradiction looks syncretism to the outsiders. But most of the Hindu scriptures are more esoteric in nature and never try to present a systematic theology. Later commentators attempted it and thus formulated such statements like ‘true jnana is the culmination of bhakti’ (I think by Rajaji in his introduction to Bhajagovindam sung by M.S. Subbulakshmi).
So I felt some kind of God’s presence and peace, I won’t claim it as some special kind of ‘vision’. At the same time I won’t say it was a mere feeling because of my motion at that time. There are some experiences in life which cannot be communicated through words. At the same time this ‘explanation’ is not to bring that experience within my ‘rational’ understanding. For me, this reason looks ‘irrational’ several times.
7. உன் அமைதி
ஆறுதல் யாரெனக் களித்திடுவார்
ஆண்டவா உன்னருள் வார்த்தை யன்றி
தேறுதல் தருவோர் யாரும் இல்லை
தேவனே திருவடி அண்டி நின்றேன்
அமைதி அமைதி உன் அமைதி
ஆண்டவா தந்தாயே நன்றி சொல்வேன்
அலைபாயும் மனதிலே அமைதி இல்லை
அன்பான மொழிசொல்வோர் யாரும் இல்லை
மனிதரின் ஆறுதல் தேடிய நான்
மாயை வீண் மாயை இது என்றுணர்ந்தேன்–அமைதி அமைதி…
தனிமையோ எனைச் சூழ நெருக்கயிலே
தள்ளாடும் மனதோடு நடக்கயிலே
தஞ்சம் என் தஞ்சம் உன்மடியே
தலை சாய்க்க எனக்கு நீ புகலிடமே–அமைதி அமைதி…
அன்னைப்போல் தலைவருடி ஆறுதலாய்
அன்பான மொழி சொல்லித் தேற்றுகின்றாய்
தந்தைப் போல் தோளிலே எனைச் சுமந்து
தயவாக இம்மட்டும் தாங்கி வந்தாய்–அமைதி அமைதி…
தோழன் போல் தோளிலே எனைச் சேர்த்து
திருக்கரம் கொண்டென்னைத் தானணைத்து
“திக்கற்றோனாய் உன்னைக் கைவிடேன் நான்
திகையாதே கலங்காதே” என்றுரைத்தாய்–அமைதி அமைதி…
அமைதியே நீயும் எங்கே என்றே
அலைந்திடும் மனிதரே வழியும் உண்டே
அனுதினம் என்னையே நடத்துகின்ற
அன்பின் தெய்வம் உம்மை அழைக்கின்றானே–அமைதி அமைதி…
Who will give me comfort Lord
except your graceful words
I cannot find anyone who can comfort me
God I sought your Holy feet
Peace, peace, your own peace
O Lord you gave me and I thank you for that.
There is no peace in this wavering heart
There is none who will give some loving words
When I sought human comfort
I realized that it is maya
When loneliness surrounds and crushes me
As I walk with trembling heart
Your lap is my only place
And the only refuge for me to lay my head.
Like a mother you comfort me by touching my head
You encourage me by your loving words
Like a father you carry me on your shoulder
And brought me up to this
Like a friend you put me on your chest
And hugged me with your Holy hands
‘I won’t let you live without anyone,
Don’t be troubled and get frustrated’ you told
‘O Peace where are you’ (crying like this)
O Men, who wander (searching after it), there is the Way
The Loving Lord who leads me daily
Calls you too
I am a strong believer in celebrating human relationships, particularly among the bhaktas, yet I know that sometimes we feel very lonely. I often say that ‘every saint must learn to walk alone’. My one eternal doctrine is: We don’t have a private god or a private bhakti. Ours is not a one man operated corporation. Either we sail together or sink together.
I know God works only through human agency. He happily accepts our limitation and has to work with it. However several times I felt that in spite of our unity and identity in the Lord as the member of His body, yet because of my temperament I create my own distance from others. Though my life as a single person could be a reason for that, yet I think that this is the experience of every human beings—irrespective of their faiths.
But my bhakti in the Lord showed that bhakti confirms my personal relationship with the Lord, yet it celebrates it with others too. Finally it always reaches out to others inviting them to share in this kind of bhakti both to celebrate it with fellow bhaktas and share it with others. In this song too, though initially I felt lonely, yet I give a call to others to seek that comfort in the Lord. Above all in showing His comforts to me, I have to imagine in human terms like that of a ‘mother, father, friend’. Both in Hinduism and Muktiveda, when it comes to bhakti, it is explained and understood in human terms with our relationship with others. Bhakti denotes my personal relationship with the Lord but it never remained ‘Private’ one.
Leave a Reply