BT Song 46
I wrote this song in one Good Friday in Delhi. But there is again a problem with the date. However, I still remember the background of it.
1993-அன்று பெரிய வெள்ளியன்று எழுதியது
46. சிலுவை என் மேன்மை
சிலுவையில் தொங்கிய என் நேசனின்
சிந்திய இரத்தத்தால் சுகமானேன்
சிலுவையே மேன்மை என் வாழ்விலே
சேவிப்பேன் அதனை எந்நாளும்
வினை மூலம் சிலர் தேடினார் மீட்பை
ஞானத்தின் துணையை நாடினார் சிலரே
பக்தியின் பெயராலே பரமனைத் தேடியே
பயனற்ற வழிபாட்டில் வீழ்ந்தனர் பலரே!
புத்தியின் மேன்மையால் புதுவாழ்வு தரவே
சீர்திருத்தப் பாதையில் சென்றனர் சிலரே!
“புதுமை புதுமை” எனக்கூறிய பலருக்கு
கேளிக்கையானது ஆன்மீக வாழ்வே
நல்வழி காணவே நானும் முயன்றே
நாடினேன் பலவழி நாளும் இங்கே!
சிறுமையாய்த் தோன்றிய சிலுவை ஒன்றே
தெளிவாக்கி தந்தது ஆன்மீக வழியை.
25-05-1993. டெல்லி.
46. Cross is my pride
I was cleansed by the blood of my Lord
Who hanged on the cross?
Cross is the only glory in my life
Therefore I will adore it always
Some sought Mukti through karma
Some sought the support of jnana
In the name of bhakti several searched God
And fall in useless ritual worship
Some tried to give new life through their brain/reason
And followed the path of reformation
For those who called for newness/modernity (New age)
Spirituality become an entertainment
To seek some good path by various efforts
I too sought many ways here
But cross which looked a mean one
Finally clearly showed the spiritual path
25-05-1993. Delhi
The following is from diary:
Apl. 5. A wonderful day with a marvellous Good-Friday meditation. Fr. James asked me in the morning whether if I am interested, along with Solomon we three can have the three hours Good-Friday meditation from 12.00 to 3.00 pm, in the chapel. Though I am not sure of the method of the meditation, I gave my consent and what a marvellous experience, which I never had in the last fifteen years as a bhakta of the Lord.
Fr. James1 followed the Good-Friday service used by CNI—unique one. After the regular O.T. and Psalms reading, we three read together the gospel narration. Fr. James as the narrator, I am the voice of the public, priest etc. and Solomon as Christ. We read the passages with pause in between for deep meditation.
After the scripture reading, a wooden cross was placed and we read God’s reproach, which were written in a heart moving way. Then Fr. James led a long intercessory prayer. But the climax of the meditation was silent for more than one and half an hour. As we three, respecting each other’s silence remained quiet. I too quietly meditated—mostly on the passion of the Lord.
As I was sitting for more than two hours, there was pain both on my back and hip. I too felt thirsty. I focused all this on the Lord. How He might have felt hanging on the cross for several hours, alone feeling thirsty and deserted by all—including God, that too after spending a sleepless night with lots of accusation and trial with lots of physical agony. When I meditated on all these, the three hours just went by in the blink of an eye.
Though we can Indigenize the gospel by allowing it to be incarnated in our worldview, yet there are certain things which stand unique—not only to our Indian worldview but even to the other worldviews. Cross is one such—which is always unique. Here I don’t want to say more about the Cross of its historical, theological, and spiritual importance. The way it became a symbol of sacrificial love appealed even to many Hindus. Though some try to compare it with Siva drinking poison to save devas and asuras and thereby all, and Rama’s exile to forest, I cannot find any parallel in them with what our Lord has done for us on the Cross.
However, I prefer to call it as a MAHA YAJNA in which our Lord poured out His whole Being as the ahudi (oblation). Then I compare it with Yajna in which three things are important—a devata (deity to whom the offerings are made), drivyam (material things to be offered as oblation) and thyagi (one who gives up viz., the sacrificer). In that Maha Yajna on the Cross our Lord became all the three—devata, drivyam and thyagi. Of course, as He became a human to offer His body He cannot be treated as the devata here. But for me as He is Nara-Hari—Man-God, my bhakti easily moves between various subtleties of theology—by coming down as human the very God offered Himself on the cross.
23-6-14
Notes
1.. I often went and stayed at Delhi Brotherhood House at Delhi, which belongs to CNI Church and was founded by an Anglican priest some 150 years ago. Fr. Andrew, who was a close friend of Gandhi and later known as Dheenabandu too was a member of it. St. Stephen College and Hospital were founded by it. They have a big library and I went there first to get some books and later got the opportunity to stay there. I even became a lay companion of the House.
Fr. James Stuart was the one who first recommended my manuscript, ‘Living Water and Indian Bowl’ to ISPCK and he is a different person with deep love and respect for the Indian way of spirituality. He helped to clear so many doubts about the church. He is a scholar who wrote few books and particularly on Swami Abhishiktananda of Shanti van. Though he never said openly, indirectly persuaded me not to become a permanent member of the House. He wanted me to remain a typical sannyasi not trapped in any kind of system.
BT Song 47
47. ஆட்கொள்வாய்
என்னையும் மீறி என்னை
ஆட்கொண்டருளாவிட்டால்
என்மீதே எனக்கு வெற்றி
என்பதும் இல்லையன்றோ!
நடைபயிலும் குழவியே நான்
நாலடி எடுத்து வைத்தால்
தடுமாறி விழுகின்றேன்
நன்கறிந்த தாயே நீ
மெல்ல என் கரம்பிடித்து
என்னுடனே நீ நடந்து
தடுமாறும் போதெல்லாம்
தாங்கிடுவாய் தயவாக
விட்டுப் பிடிப்போமென்று
வேடிக்கைப் பார்த்தாயானால்
விழுவதோ உண்மையது
ஆனால் பழிவரும் உன்மீது
வேண்டாம் இவ் வேடிக்கை
வேண்டுதல் அல்ல இது!
ஆணை இடுகின்றேன்
ஆட்கொண்டு வழிநடத்து!
முக்தி நாதனே உன்மீது
எனக்குள்ள உரிமையினால்
உளறுகின்றேன் இதுபோல
மழலைமொழி பொறுதருள்வாய்!
27-05-1993. வாரணாசி. மாத்ருதாம் ஆஸ்ரம்.
47. Over Lord me
Unless you, overcoming me completely
And make me as your own
I cannot find victory
Over me by any means
I am like a child
Which learning to walk
Stumbles often
As my mother you know this
Holding my hand gently
Walking along with me
Uphold me with your mercy
Whenever I stumble
If you want to see how I fare
And give up,
My falling is sure one
And you will be blamed for this
So don’t have this tamasha
This is not a request
But a command from me
And by over-lording lead me
Muktinatha as I have
Some right with you
I often babble like this
And forgive this childlike talk.
27-05-1993. Varanasi, Matrrudham Ashram.
Bhakti gives immense right not only to plead but also demand from God. This I have done often in my life. As I gave up my independence to Him, I too have equal right to demand certain things and can command the Lord to do some special favor to me.
One time at Barharva (present Jharkhand) I got severe malaria fever. That night after 11. 00 I felt sever thirsty. But I cannot get up from the mat on which I was laying down. Then lying down, I said this to the Lord, ‘see you are a single man and I am a single man. So you should understand my problem. Immediately I need some water to drink but I cannot get up. If I die on this condition, others will blame you as I completely give my life to you. If you don’t want help me, at least to save your name, better arrange me to get some water.’
Then I began to sweat severely and the fever gone completely. Then I managed to get up from my mat and make hot water and mixed Viva (Horlicks) and drank it. Then I lay down and again the fever came. But I was bit shrewd and removed the bolt from inside the door and lay down on my bed. Next day when I woke up, I was in the hospital. My coworker, came next day morning to invite me for some program and as I lost my conscience, he knocked the door. As there was no response, he pushed and found me unconscious and took me to the hospital to admit.
Later when I recovered completely, I said to the Lord, ‘thank you. I only asked for water, but you provided a hot drink’. Several times, I won’t plead with the Lord, but simply instruct Him what He must do.
Total surrender expects total control over me by the Lord. So any fall from my side could be viewed that He allowed me to fall either to test or to show my limitation. But bhakti warns the Lord not to exceed His limit too, where finally He too has a share in my failures. God respects Free will, but once I surrendered that Free Will to Him, I enter in a special relationship with Him to demand, command and warn God. It might look odd, but in bhakti it is not strange.
23-5-14
BT Song 48
At Martudham ashram in Varanasi, in one gathering for my shishyas from Rewa, one incident much disturbed me. One of my shishyas acts disturbed us all. However before telling it to him, on 28-05-1993 evening by four o’clock I began to pray for him. But when I began to pray for him, my shortcomings appeared before me in manifold. Immediately stopping praying for him, I began to lament about my shortcomings to the Lord. Then I wrote the following song.
வாரணாசியில் மாத்ருதாம் ஆஸ்ரமத்தில் ரீவாவில் உள்ள என் சீடர்களுக்காக நடந்த ஒரு கூடுகையில், லலன் பாண்டே, செய்த ஒரு காரியம் மிகவும் கஷ்டமாக இருந்தது. ஆயினும் அதை அவனிடம் கூறும்முன் 28-05-1993 அன்று மாலை நான்கு மணிக்கு அவனுக்காகக் குறிப்பாகப் பிரார்த்தனை செய்ய அமர்ந்தேன். ஆனால் அவன் குறையை இறைவனிடம் கூறும்முன், என் குறைகள் பெரிதாக என் மனக்கண் முன்னே வர ஆரம்பித்தன. உடன் அவனுக்காகப் பிரார்த்தனை செய்வதை விடுத்து என் குறைகளுக்காக இறைவனிடம் புலம்ப ஆரம்பித்தபோது எழுதிய பாடல்:
48. என் குறை
என் குறை பெரிதாக என் முன் நிற்கையில்
எப்படி உரைப்பேன் பிறர் குறை உன் முன்?
பெரிதே மனப்போராட்டம் அதன்மீது
பெற்றிலேன் வெற்றியே பலமுறை முயன்றும்!
என் தகுதி ஒன்றையே ஆதாரமாய் எண்ணியே
பிறர் குறை நீக்க முடியாது உண்மையே
புனிதனே திருவடிப் புகலிடம் தேடி
போராட வந்துள்ளேன் என்குறை போக்கவே
என்குறை பிறர் குறை எல்லாம் உன் மீது
ஏற்றுக் கொண்டாய் அன்று சிலுவையின் மீது
எனவே உன்னருள் மீது நம்பிக்கை வைத்து
நாடினேன் மீண்டும் நாதனே உன் திருவடி
48. My imperfection
When my own faults stand tall before me
How am I going to point other’s faults?
Great is my inner struggle
I never got victory despite repeated attempts
The truth is that based on my own character/qualities
I cannot remove other’s fault
O Holy one seeking your feet as my refuge
I come unto you struggling to overcome my faults
My faults and other’s fault
You already took on you on the cross
Therefore keeping trust on your grace
I sought your feet one more time
Generally for a Hindu bhakti helps to keep focus on her relationship with God rather than to reflect its influence on personal ethics. Whereas my bhakti in the Lord always forces me to evaluate my relationship with others. In fact our relationship with others set the condition for our bhakti in the Lord. When I sit to pray for my needs, immediately I think about others’ needs and begin to pray for them. Similarly when I want to correct something in another’s life my faults stand tall before me. Though this creates some remorse within me to think about my faults, yet I realize that only after becoming perfect I cannot correct others. This is the beauty in Mukti Veda. Knowing our shortcomings and depending upon the mercy, grace, and forgiveness from God, we are called to discipline others when it becomes necessary. So in our approach to discipline others, our shortcomings make us humble rather than shun away from our responsibility with any guilty conscience. I think God never creates a mere guilty conscience in us, which will crumble us and make us impotent. Rather creating remorse for our shortcomings God helps us to discipline others. If others question our own shortcomings and imperfection when we discipline them, then our bhakti in the Lord helps us to confess our weakness and remind them that we do our part out of our love towards them rather than with a regimental attitude of taking some high moral ground or to embarrass them before others.
As Mukti Veda rightly says that our righteousness never reveals the wrath of God, all our approach both for others and personal one is through the righteousness of our Lord. Personal ethics, bhakti, spirituality, and our responsibilities are integrated giving a human touch with divine grace in Mukti Veda.
24-6-14
BT Song 49
On 16-06-1993 after morning meditation I wrote this song at Gonda (U.P)
16-06-1993 அன்று காலை தியானத்திற்கு பின் கோண்டாவில்(உ.பி) இருக்கும் போது எழுதியது:
49. மீட்கும் கருணை
விழுவதோ என் இயல்பு
விழுந்தபின் எழுந்திருக்க
இயலாமல் நான் கிடக்க
தூக்கி மீண்டும் விடுவதும்
துங்கவனே உன் இயல்பு!
ஆனால் எத்தனை நாள்
ஐயனே இது தொடரும்?
ஒன்று செய் இனிமேல்
விழுந்தாலே விட்டுவிடு
எப்படியோ போவென்று!
பாவி மேல் கருணையினால்
பன்றி போல் சாக்கடையில்
பலமுறை புரண்டாலும்
பதைபதைத்து தாய்போல
பரிவுடனே மீட்கின்றாய்.
செய்நன்றி கொன்றுன்னைச்
சிலுவையிலே அறைகின்ற
சிறுமையினாய் ஆனேனே
சீற்றம் கொள் தயங்காதே
சிறிதேனும் கலங்காதே!
தாங்க இயலவில்லை
தவிக்கின்றேன் நாளுமே
தடுமாறும் பாவியென்னை
ஆட்கொண்டு வழிநடத்து
அண்டினேன் திருவடியை!
உதைத்து நீ தள்ளினாலும்
உன்னடி தன்னை விடேன்
வேறெங்கு கண்டிடுவேன்
மீட்டெடுக்கும் கருணையினை
மேதினியில் உனிலன்றி?
49. Redeeming Grace
Stumbling is my nature
Once stumbled
Unable to get up
As I lay down
Helping me to getup
Is your nature too
But how long O Lord
This will continue?
Do one thing here after
If I fell, give up
And say, ‘get lost’.
Because of your grace on this sinner
Though I go back like a big
To the ditch to role again and again
Yet you come and rescue like a mother
With much anxiety!
I become a mean person
Not having gratitude
As I crucify you again and again
Don’t hesitate to get angry with me
Don’t be disturbed for that
I cannot bear this
And get panicked every day.
Overlord me and lead
This stumbling sinner
I took refuge at your feet.
Even if you kick me and threw away
I will never leave your feet
Where else can I find it?
This redeeming grace
Except for you on this earth?
Guilt, remorse, and self-pity often forced me to not only complain to God but also give instruction to Him how He should handle me. Several times in my life I felt that I took the grace for granted and His mercy became a kind of license for me to repeatedly make the same mistakes. In ordinary life, I easily get angry and temporarily throw away others from my life. But I see that God never does this and always stands by waiting for me to comeback.1 I never experienced the wrath of God in my life in any form. Maybe if God, even for a moment becomes angry with me (us) then we cannot withstand it. Knowing this, God refused to become upset with me and instead sent remorse within me. This love often makes me feel embarrassed and expects God to hurt and punish me. When I suffer both physically and mentally either caused by me or by others, then the only thought that comes to my mind is, ‘this is not even a just punishment for my mistakes’. Though God never punishes to discipline me, yet several times I accept it as a correct punishment by myself or by others as my prayaschitta for my mistakes. As our Lord has done the prayaschitta for my sin, every punishment is my own prayaschitta for my mistakes. This removes the guilty conscience within me and not to hold any grudge against God or others for that punishment.
Back in 1994, when one of my friends wrote a letter telling that ‘because of some hidden and unknown shortcomings within me, God sends this punishment’ in response I wrote the following poem (11-12-1994)
If God began to punish us
None will be spared on this earth
If we become depressed
And stand still with guilty conscience
No one can proceed further in life
If we began to look only fault
And not good qualities
No will be found without any fault
Repenting for the mistakes
And mending our wrongs
Removing the depression
Rise up to act2
Of course I experienced rejection from God but I think this is more part of my remorse and shame as I refuse to go back to His presence than His rejection. This is part of ‘the dark night of the soul’. And even if He rejects, the bhakti reminds Him that He too cannot escape from me as I cling to His feet from which has no chance to escape.
The famous Tamil Saiva saint Manickavasagar in ‘Pidittap pattu’ (The Decade of the Tenacious Grasp’.—G. U. Pope, The Tiruvacagam, London, Oxford, 1900, p. 291) at the end of each poem in these lovely ten poems (cling or holding fast) challenges Siva ‘Ah whither grace imparting would’st thou rise’?3 (Pope, pp. 291-297). As he rightly said in another poem ‘who is trapped in the net of bhakti’ the Lord too cannot escape from a bhakta.
24-6-14
Notes
1…… …. …. இறைவன்
பிழைகநின் றார்பக்கம் பேணிநின் றானே–திருமந்திரம், பாடல், 22, வரி 4
உரை: இறைவன் தன்கருணைக்கு இலக்காகாமல் தப்ப நிற்பவர்களுக்கும் கருணை வழங்கி நிற்கின்றான்.
அ. மாணிக்கம், திருமந்திரம், மூலமும்-தெளிவுரையும், வர்தமான் பதிப்பு, சென்னை, (2001) ஆறாம் பதிப்பு, 2003. முதல் தொகுதி, ப. 20
God shows His grace even to those who do not want to receive it.—Tirumantiram, song 22, line 4. A. Manikkam, Tirumandiram, commentary with the text, Vardhaman Publishers, Chennai (2001) Six impression, 2003, Vol. 1, p. 22
2.. தண்டிப்பதெற் கென்றே
இறைவனும் தலைப்பட்டால்
தரணியில் எஞ்சியவர்
யாருமே இல்லை
செய்திட்ட தவறெண்ணி
சோர்வுற்று நின்றால்
செயல்பட வென்று
யாருமே இல்லை
குணமன்றி குற்றமே
காணவும் தலைப்பட்டால்
குறையில்லா மனிதரும்
உலகில் இல்லை
தவறெண்ணி வருந்தி
குறையெண்ணித் திருந்தி
சோர்வுகளை நீக்கி
செயல்படப் புறப்படு
3.. யானுனைத் தொடர்ந்து சிக்கெனப் பிடித்தேன்
எங்கெழுந் தருளுவ தினியே
BT Song 50
தேவையற்ற பல அன்றாட காரியங்கள் நாம் இறைவனுடன் செலவிட வேண்டிய நேரத்தையும், அவனுடன் உள்ள உறவையும் பலவாறு பிரிப்பதை எண்ணியபோது எழுதிய பாடல்:
50. பிரிவினை
பிரிக்குதே எனதன்பை உன்மீது
புவியின் பலவித காரியங்கள்
அவை மீது நான் கொண்ட ஆசைகளும்
ஐயனே அழிக்குதே ஆதி அன்பை
நான் செய்யும் பலவித காரியங்கள்
நாளுமே என் நலம் நாடி மட்டும்
நானுமே செய்கின்ற காரணத்தால்
நலிந்தது எனதன்பு உன் மீது!
சொல்லிட காரணம் பல உண்டே
செய்திடும் செயல்கள் அத்தனைக்கும்
ஆயினும் என் மனம் நன்கறியும்
அவை மீது நான் கொண்ட பற்றினையும்
ஒவ்வொரு நாளும் ஏதோ ஒன்று
நம்மிடைப் பிரிவினை செய்திடவே
ஆயத்தமாகிக் காத்து நிற்கும்
ஐயனே என் செய்வேன் இந்நிலையில்?
என் மீது கொண்ட அன்பினால்
இம்மட்டும் காத்து வந்ததுபோல்
இனிமேல் தாங்கி நடத்தாவிட்டால்
எனக்கில்லை வெற்றி இப்போராட்டத்தில்
16-03-1993. கோண்டா (உ.பி)
Several unnecessary works bring some kind of separation between us and God. When I was thinking about it, I wrote this song in Gonda on 15-03-1991
50. Separation
Several things of this world
separate me from your love.
My love to them also
Destroy my first love for you.
Several things which I do everyday
As I do only seek
my own welfare
My love towards you too perished
I have several excuses to tell
For all the work that I do
Yet my heart knows well
The desire that I have towards them
Each day, some thing
Will be ready and stand
To bring separation between us
O Lord, what can I do in this situation?
Because of you have love for me
As you protected me so far
Unless you uphold and lead me
I won’t get victory in this struggle.
16-03-1993. Gonda U. P.
This is the reality even today. I do several things which are not so important. But I give some excuses for them. My mother too often rebukes that I am wasting my time and money in doing several things which I shouldn’t do as a sannyasi (like making pickles, doing cross stitch work etc.) Several times in the name of doing small things for others, finally I will end up spending lots of time on it.
But soon I realized that I need to do some other things to relax my brain. Above all I see that God has given me some talents which I should use to serve others. I cannot separate many or all my activities as secular versus spiritual. And it also depends upon how others see them from their point of view. For example, buying all these books and spending lots of time reading them is a mere waste for my mother. But I cannot think of spending a day without reading something. Likewise making pickles and doing cross stitch might look strange in a sannyasi’s life for others. But for me they are not mere work but some kind of creative activity which helps me to have a break from routine life. Above all in a single person’s life, some kind of creativity is essential to have some inner satisfaction. Of course I should guard myself from the temptation of becoming obsessed with my hobbies and creative activities. Whatever might be my vocation in life, Mukti Veda and my bhakti in the Lord help me to see me as a human rather than through the window of this world—like sannyasi, single person etc. While svadharma1 of Hinduism brings some restrictions, Mukti Veda helps me to lead an integrated life as a human.
25-6-14
1.. Technically ‘svadharma’ is one’s own dharma based on birth and vocation. For example a Brahmin brahmachari can do certain things and should not do certain things, as his svadharma based on his birth as a Brahmin and vocation as a brahmachari sets limitations. Technically this is known as ‘varnaashramadharma = varna (order and caste also) ashrama (stage as bachelor, family man, forest dweller and sannyasi) dharma.
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