There are two schools of thought in Sri Vaishnavism: Cat and Monkey. As you are all familiar with this, I need not elaborate further. In my personal bhakti, both approaches work for me. God expects me to cooperate with Him, and when I cannot do that, He takes the initiative and, like a mother cat carrying her kitten, carries me according to His plan and my needs. I have often felt that He doesn’t just carry me but stands behind me, pushing either gently or forcefully, depending on my cooperation and strength.
When I finally decided to move back to the ashram once and for all, without disclosing my entire plan to my mother, I hesitated, thinking about her needs. Ultimately, He pushed me. Now, sitting in the ashram in 2024 after my mother has passed, I firmly believe that He pushed me to do this, knowing that staying at Mathigiri would have caused undue suffering for both my mother and me. I have since gotten rid of that property, ensuring there is no chance of returning.
Of course, there was opposition to my plan. It is interesting to note that when I bought the plot and constructed the house in Mathigiri, there was opposition at that time as well. The argument was: why need a separate house when an ashram is soon to be established (the land for the ashram had already been bought)? Similarly, when I wanted to sell the Mathigiri house and plot, different arguments were made: “What if you need a house of your own in case you cannot continue living in the ashram in old age?”
Another important reason for postponing the sale is the expectation that, following the pandemic recovery, there will be a significant boom in the real estate market, potentially driving prices higher than the current quote.
Both times, out of genuine concern for my well-being, they offered their suggestions. However, I chose not to listen and made my own decisions, ready to face the consequences. There was some hesitation in selling the house, considering my future needs. But God clearly showed me the kinds of problems I might face if I kept that property. I won’t say He alone created those problems; rather, the final nail in the coffin for my decision came from the betrayal of someone I had trusted and treated like my own grandson.
This reminded me of the famous Chanakya Neeti: enmity, sickness, fire, and problems should be addressed while they are still in the initial stage. With that in mind, I made the final decision to move from Mathigiri to the ashram, even though I am not sure where my old age might lead me.
I still remember a story told by a missionary. When he reached a tribe in his boat with a small gun for emergencies, he anchored the boat as a backup plan in case of an attack. However, after praying, God showed him that he was not trusting Him completely by keeping an alternative option. I am not sure what I would have done in such a situation, but I understood why the missionary, after praying, shot the boat, threw the gun into the sea, and walked onto the island. I did something similar when I shifted from Mathigiri to the ashram.
To others, this might seem like a myth or an emotional decision, but unless they experience the maha mantra—”Taste and see how God is good”—they won’t understand this.
BT Song 1284
Unable to sleep properly due to various kinds of noise pollution, I planned to go and stay at the ashram for a few weeks with my mother. But my mother does not like this idea and laments each day [or every time she is awake, even several times in her sleep] about how long she needs to wander from place to place, unable to live in one place where she feels comfortable. She likes this house as it serves her purposes—people around her, access to books from the library to read, the newspaper, and above all, my presence 24×7 exclusively for her since no one visits us here.
However, if we go back to the ashram, there is no newspaper and no nearby library for her to read. Others might begin to visit the ashram again once I start staying there, which means I would have to share my time with others. Though visitors will come, as they won’t spend much time with her to sit and talk, she feels lonelier because I sit and talk with others for several hours while she remains alone in her room.
I pointed out to her that if I become sick due to a lack of proper sleep, she will suffer more than me as there is no one else to take care of her now. My siblings, though willing to share the responsibility, cannot host her as she does not want to stay with them. They also have their limitations. I even tried to arrange for a caretaker to come and stay with her here while I go to the ashram. But she refused, stating clearly that she cannot live without my presence.
I was torn between these two extremes—taking care of my health so that I won’t become a problem for others and can continue to care for my mother. At the same time, I don’t want to disturb the peaceful life she enjoys here. I feel guilty that I am prioritizing my personal interests over her comfort. The question that haunts me is, “How long is she going to live? Let her spend her last few years as she likes.” But if I become sick, she will suffer more than me. For the past month, I haven’t been able to sleep properly, both day and night, and it is affecting my health. She realizes this. When she notices that I am not well, unable to walk properly, cook, or do other work, she says that she will come to the ashram with me. But when I recover, she changes her mind. So, as I struggle between my health and my mother’s needs, I can’t concentrate on any other work properly.
While reading a book, I closed it and sat quietly, wrestling with the Lord. Then tears began to flow, and I told Him that I also need some personal time with Him and for myself so that I can serve others properly. Then, as inspiration came, I poured out my heart by writing this song.
BT Song 1285
Night after night, after my regular reading of the Muktiveda and other books, I continue to think about my plan to go back to the ashram. Though I almost finalized the arrangements, my mother began to lament as the days drew nearer for our departure. Now, I am unsure if I have made the right decision. Over the past week, I have not been able to sleep more than four hours a day. Small issues keep arising at the ashram: the sump motor is not functioning well, I cannot get the mechanic in time, the electrician who promised to come has multiple excuses, some workers are sick, and a few other problems persist.
As my uncertainty grows and I waver in my mind about returning to the ashram, I asked the Lord for guidance. I told Him that leading me by taking my hand or arranging support is not enough; unless He pushes me against my will and drags me, I cannot do much. At that time, my mother was lamenting on her bed, unable to sleep properly, which also disturbed me.
As I began to argue with the Lord, inspiration struck, and I wrote this song as my prayer. Added to all other miseries, this inspiration troubles me to write poems even in such circumstances. In the past, I wrote poems to trouble the Lord; now He takes revenge by compelling me to write poems that trouble me.
Revised on 16-7-2024
Gurukulam
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