Abuse

Abuse is an inevitable evil in human relationships. Physical violence represents its most extreme outward expression. Like many other societal evils we must learn to live with, abuse in relationships is something we often cannot avoid. However, how we manage it largely depends on our maturity as human beings and our understanding of moral responsibility in relationships.

Let me share an experience from my life. This incident occurred in 1987 or 1988, when I was staying in a remote place for personal studies. Apart from the servants and one family, a few other single individuals lived there as well. Since the location was isolated and visitors were rare, we relied on one another for fellowship, often meeting during evening walks or other activities. We would talk and discuss various topics, and sometimes crack jokes to break the monotony of our lives there. Occasionally, the jokes would get out of hand, and if we weren’t careful, they could end up hurting someone.

One such evening, a family—husband, wife, and others—were talking about relationship problems in the presence of the servants. As I was passing by after my evening walk, they called me over, knowing that I often joked about women and family life, though I took care not to offend anyone. Unfortunately, the conversation spiraled out of control that day, and the family members started teasing single people about their sexuality, suggesting how they suppress it or act hypocritically about it. In a slip of the tongue, the wife made a comment about me, saying, “Though he looks very attractive, he’s probably remained unmarried because he might be impotent.” Silence followed her words, and the others didn’t know how to react. Her husband was visibly embarrassed, especially since she made this comment in front of the servants. To spare him further embarrassment, I quickly changed the subject and walked away.

The next morning, when the watchman came to my room to drop off the keys (as was his routine), he said, “Swamiji, how could that woman say such a thing about you, especially in front of everyone?” He added a few more remarks, which I prefer not to share here. In response, I told him, “It didn’t hurt me. When others abuse me, especially by making jokes about my sexuality as a single man and a sannyasi, I shouldn’t feel offended. We are considered abnormal by the world’s standards, so people have the right to question or criticize us. Above all, when I become the object of such jokes, I see it as my seva (service) to make others happy, even for a brief moment. If I had reacted angrily or said something in return, it would have hurt me more than it would have hurt that woman or anyone else. By ignoring it and taking it lightly, I saved us all from further conflict and helped prevent a quarrel between the husband and wife.”

Of course, I learned the art of diffusing tense situations through trial and error. Except for extreme forms of abuse, like rape and physical violence, many forms of abuse can be managed with maturity and understanding. In close relationships, when we learn to ignore certain offenses or use them as an opportunity for seva by helping to release the offender’s tension, we can handle most abusive situations—except for the most severe physical ones.

Db. January 21, 2012.