When I feel discouraged I used to meditate on the encouraging Words of God. This poem is one such which I wrote on 08-04-1986 at Gonda
மனச்சோர்வுறும் நேரமெல்லாம் இறைவன் தரும் அருள் வார்த்தைகள் என்னைத் தேற்றும். அதை எண்ணி 08-04-1986-ல் கோண்டாவில் (உ.பி) எழுதிய பாடல்:
13. அருள் தாரும்
தேவன் தருவான் புதிய வாகுத்தத்தம்
தேவாதி தேவன் என் இராஜாதி இராஜன்
தினமும் தருவான் புதிய வாக்குத்தத்தம்
பெலவீன மனதில் தினம் போராட்டமே
வேண்டாத எண்ணத்தால் மாறாட்டமே!
தேவை தேவை ** உன்கிருபை
தாருமே இந்நாளின் அதிகாலையில்–தேவன்…
மாமிச சிந்தையால் மனமும் நொந்தேன்
மன்னவா உன்நீதி எண்ணி மருண்டேன்
எத்தனைநாள் இப்போராட்டம் ஐயா
ஏங்கிடும் ஏழைக்குக் கிருபைதாரும்–தேவன்…
ஆவியில் அனல்குன்றி வாழுகின்றேன்
ஆன்மீக பெலன்குன்றித் தாழுகின்றேன்
சோர்வுற்ற இந்நாளில் தாங்கிடுவாய்
சுகம் பெலன் ஜீவனால் ஆதரிப்பாய்–தேவன்…
ஆதியில் நான்கொண்ட அன்பும் எங்கே
ஆண்டவா நீதந்த பாரமெங்கே?
அலைமோதும் கடல்போல் வெறும் நுரையே தள்ளும்
அடிமையின் வாழ்வில் புதுத் திருப்பம் தாரும்–தேவன்…
நரகத்தை நோக்கியே நாளும் செல்லும்
நானிலத்தோர் மீது பாரம் தாரும்
நான் பெற்ற கிருபையை அவரும் பெற
நாளுமே உழைத்திட எண்ணம் தாரும்–தேவன்…
வருகையின் நாளிலே தலைகுனிந்தே
வெட்கத்தோடே நானும் மனமும் நொந்து
வெறும் கையாய் உன்திருச் சமூகமதில்
நின்றிடா நிலைதன்னை இன்றே தாரும்–தேவன்…
God will give new promise
The King of King and Lord of Lord
Will give new promise every day
There is struggle in my weak mind
Due to unnecessary thoughts, there is contradiction
Lord what I need is your grace
And give it to me in this early morning
I feel humiliation because of my thoughts of flesh
And I was afraid of your Justice
How long this struggle will go on Lord
Give your grace to this poor man who is longing for it
I live with diminishing spiritual fire
I become low without the strength of spirituality
Uphold me this day as I am much discouraged
Comfort me by giving healing, life and your strength
Where is my first love which I had in the past
Where is the burden which was given to me?
Give me a turning point in my life which becomes
Like a wavering sea which brings only foams to the shore
Give me burden to the people of this world
Who are going towards hell
Give me the thought (again) to toil so that
They too can receive the same grace which I received (from you)
When you will come again
Let me not bow my head with shame
By standing with an empty hand
In your presence—and change that situation today itself.
Due to my health as I had to live at Gonad taking care of the Correspondence course, slowly I felt that my burden to reach others for the Lord has come down and I was more concerned about my health and need. Above all, like every other bhakta I too faced constant attack on my flesh and found it difficult to overcome as I don’t have much company with others. My health and lack of opportunity to go out and share the gospel often gave me depression. Though another co-worker lived in the same compound with his family, yet my room is a bit away from them. I like the life of a recluse. Generally I don’t like to stay with another person in the same room. When I read, sleep, work, I prefer to do it alone without disturbance. At the same time I never sought ‘loneliness’. I like solitude. But I went to the North thinking that I can share the gospel with many and due to circumstance I was confined within my room with work and health issues. However those situations also helped me to move more close with the Lord and to pour my heart to him both in prayer and poems. I also used this time to record my thoughts: Where we failed, why we failed and how we failed to communicate the gospel, which was later published as: Living Water and Indian Bowl.
This song one way reflects my thought in the early walk of bhakti in the Lord. Like every new bhakta, due to over zeal I always thought that it is my responsibility to ‘preach the Good News’ to save people from going to hell. But now I have a better and matured understanding. If I had the same understanding that I have now, I would have never written those lines of ‘people going to hell’. But this is the way my early thought was shaped because of my sojourn among the evangelicals. I would have rephrased the same thought in a different way, because by saying that people not knowing the Lord would go to hell looks judgmental as if I can decide where to send people. Above all for me mukti is not related to going to heaven or hell but realizing that mukit [deliverance] while living now in this mortal body. Of course if there is an Eternal life as promised by Muktiveda and hoped by all, then it is well and good. If it is not there, it is not going to bother me now. I am living in the Lord with Him now. That is more than enough. Of course others might point out that if our hope is only for this world then we didn’t understand mukti or Muktiveda. Well, as I already experience that Mukti now, what we would receive would only be an amplified version of the same, not something different.
18-5-14
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