BT Song 386 to 390

BT Song 386. தவம்

இதனினும் தவம் வேறெது கண்டோம்

இவரினும் தவசிகள் வேறெவர் காண்போம்

நொடிகள் தோறும் மரணத்தை நோக்கினும்

நோவால் நொந்து உடல் நைந்து போயினும்

அமைதியாக அதை எதிர் கொண்டு

அவனை நோக்கி மனம் திடம் கொண்டு

நிலையில்லா வாழ்வின் நிலையை உணர்த்தி

நித்தமும் பக்தியில் திளைத்திடும் இவர்போல்–இதனினும்…

கண் எதிரிலே வாழ்வு கைநழுவ

கதறும் குழந்தைகள் மனதையும் கலங்க

ஆயினும் உண்மையை அமைதியாய் ஏற்று

ஆண்டவன் சித்தம் இதுவென உணர்ந்து

இதுவரை பெற்ற நன்மையை நினைந்து

இன்னும் காப்பான் என்பதை அறிந்து

மரணத்தை வென்றவன் திருவடி பணிந்து

மண்ணுடல் துறந்து விண்ணுலகடையும்–இதனினும்

அவரின் தவமும் வீணாகிடு மோ

அவரின் திண்மை இனி மறைந்திடுமோ

தம் தவம் மூலம் இறைவனை உயர்த்தி

தரணியின் வாழ்வின் உண்மையை உணர்த்தி

வாழ்ந்திடும் நமக்குப் பக்தியை விளக்கி

தம் வாழ்வின் மூலம் ஜெயக்கொடி நாட்டி

தோல்வியுற்றோரின் தோள் தட்டி எழுப்பி

செய்கிறார் தவம் நம்பங்கை நிரப்பி

9-2-16 மத்திகிரி, காலை 6.30

BT Song 386. Tapasvis (One who perform austerity)

Greater thapas than this where one can find

where can we see greater tapasvis than these

Though face death every seconds in the life

and the body is torn down by extreme pain

Peacefully waiting for that departure

And encouraged by seeing Him

Reminding the impermanent of this life

And dwelling in bhakti (faith) each day—Greater….

As the life is slipping from their hand before them

And the cry of the children disturbing the mind

Yet accepting the reality calmly

Understanding that this is the will of God

Thinking all the blessing that so far received

And realizing that He will take care of them as before

Then bowing at the feet of the One who overcame the death

And ready to shed this mortal body to reach the further shore—Greater….

Will their tapasya go in waste?

Will their strength of mind will disappear easily

Exalting the Lord through their life

And reminding the reality of the life to us

The explaining the bhakti (faith) for us who still live

Establishing the victory flag through their life

And encouraging those who feel defeated

They do tapasya by fulfilling our part

9-2-16 Mathigiri,6.30 am.

This is in continuation with the previous song (385).  When I saw the picture of that dying person lying on his bed hugging his daughter who is also crying, I couldn’t control my tears.  When I showed the picture to my mother and explained the situation she too felt very sad.

BT Song 387 உன்னருள் காட்டிடு

உன்னாலே முடியாத ஒன்றையா கேட்கிறோம்

உன்னருள் இன்றியா உன்னிடம் வருகிறோம்

நன்று நன்று நீ செய்யும் காரியம்-இனி

நானென்ன சொல்ல உன் சித்தம் ஆகட்டும்

இவ்வுடல் தந்தது யாரென்று சொல்லவோ

அதை உருவாக்கி வளர்த்தது எவரென்று சொல்லவோ

தேகத்தின் தேவைக்கும் தந்தது எவரோ

இவை தெரியாது போனால் வேறென்ன சொல்லவோ?

எங்கள் மீறுதல் அழிவைத் தந்தது

எங்கள் பாவம் நோய் கொண்டு வந்தது

கீழ்ப்படிய மறுத்துக் கட்டளை மீறினோம்

கண்ணொளி இருந்தும் குருடராய் மாறினோம்

ஆயினும் நீயும் இரங்க வில்லையா

அழியாமல் எமைக் காக்க உனைத்தர வில்லையா

எங்களின் செயலுக்கு ஏற்ப அளிக்காது

உன்னையே தந்து எமை மீட்க வில்லையா

அப்பெரும் செயலைச் செய்த உனக்கு

அழிவின்று எமைக்காக்க தெரிந்த உனக்கு

இச்சிறு செயல் செய்ய இரக்கம் இல்லையா

இதுவென்ன கொடுமை எம் குரல் கேட்க வில்லையா

மனு உரு எடுத்து வந்த பின்னும்

இம்மண்ணுடல் படும்பாடு புரியாது போகுமோ

அதை உணர்ந்த உன்னிட மன்றி

வேறெங்கு சென்று வேண்டுதல் செய்வோம்

உன்னாலே முடியும் உடன் நீ இரங்கிடு

உருக்குலைந்த அவன் மேனியை மீட்டிடு

கலங்கிடும் எங்களின் மனதையும் தேற்றிடு

காலமெல்லாம் வாழ்த்த உன்னருள் காட்டிடு

மத்திகிரி, 9-2-16, மதியம் 2.40

BT Song 387 Show your mercy

Are we asking something which is not possible for you?

Are we coming unto you without having your mercy?

Good, indeed it is very good the way you behave like this@

What else can I say let your will be done?

(@this is rebuking in Tamil)

Do I need to tell who gave this body?

Do I need to tell who took care so far?

Who is the one who provided for our body?

If you don’t know these things what else one can say to you?

Our transgression alone brought this annihilation

Our sin alone brought sickness to the body

By refusing to remain obedient we disobeyed your command

Though we had eyes we become blind

Yet are you not had compassion on us

Did you not give yourself in order to save us?

Instead of repaying what we deserve for our deeds

Didn’t you redeem us by giving yourself?

For the one who has done that GREAT deed

For the one who redeemed us from destruction

Don’t have mercy to do this small favour

What kind of cruelty is this; cannot you hear our voice?

Once you took our human body

Cannot you understand the suffering of this mortal body?

Where else we can go and beg

Other than you who understood our need

It is possible for you to show mercy immediately

Redeem the torn down body of that person

Comfort us who are too much disturbed

Show your Grace for us to Praise you all through our lives.

(This too is the continuation of previous songs 385-86) From this morning I was fighting with the Lord.  I cannot do my regular work.  I often thought about the two daughters of that dying bhakta.  Though I resigned to the will of God, as the email that I received about the condition of that dying person and his family members I was encouraged and motivated to argue with the Lord to heal him, as this is but a small thing for Him as He accomplished a Greater thing by redeeming us.  Then I wrote this song as my prayer for his healing. 

This looks contradictory to me.  I want to resign to the will of God at the same time pleading with Him to heal him.  But knowing the reality never stops us to beg for our need which God could meet in His own way.  For me, rather than prolonging physical suffering and anxiety to the family members, the blessed thing will be for him to go.  But the emotional need of the children forces me to plead with the Lord to give him another lease of life.  Rather than contradiction, this shows the fragile nature of our mind.

BT Song 388 Qualification

Am I coming (unto you) thinking my ‘qualification’

I am bewildered thinking my wretched condition

I am wondering thinking about your grace

I am rejoicing thinking about your love

I cannot share what I have done

There is no use by all my activities (in the past)

Not merely through my actions alone

I was marred even by my thinking

Then I attempted to find the freedom

But perplexed as I cannot find proper means

I completely collapsed

As my life went without getting any answer

The distance that I run was not too short

The paths that I searched are not few

What to say about those days

In which I get depressed as I cannot found that peace

When I went to the end of frustration

You came as the answer to me

And I come unto you with that qualification

As you redeemed me by removing my blemishes

13-2-16, 11.45 pm, Mathigiri

I was reflecting the topic of our weekly discussion (Jayanatha [James] chapter 3) for a long time in my meditation time.  The one thought that again and again came to my mind about the ‘qualification’, though this is not the correct word for the Tamil தகுதி. Considering my nature, temperament and all that is gone in my life in the past, I strongly felt that I am the most disqualified person to open my mouth to say something about the Lord or share something from Muktiveda in the name of teaching.  Then I said in Tamil: என் தகுதியை நினைத்தா வருகிறேன்—Am I coming thinking about my qualification?

Then I began to think on this line which finally end up as this poem.

BT Song 388 தகுதி

என் தகுதியை நினைத்தா வருகிறேன்

என் தாழ்மையை நினைத்து மருள்கிறேன்

உன் அருளினை நினைத்து வியக்கிறேன்

உன் அன்பினை நினைத்தே மகிழ்கிறேன்

நான் செய்ததை சொல்ல மனமும் இல்லை

என் செயலால் எனக்குப் பயனும் இல்லை

செய்கையால் மட்டும் குறைவு படாமல்

சிந்தையாலும் நான் கறையே பட்டேன்

விடுதலை காணப் புறப்பட்டேன் நான்

வகை தெரியாமல் திகைத்திட்டேன் தான்

விடையே இல்லாத கேள்வியாக என்

வாழ்க்கையும் செல்ல நிலை குலைந்திட்டேன்

ஓடிய தூரம் கொஞ்சமல்ல, கூற

நாடிய வழிகள் கணக்கில்லை எண்ண

தேடிய நிம்மதியும் கிடைக்காமல்  நான்

வாடிய நாட்களை என்ன சொல்ல

விரக்தியின் எல்லைக்கே சென்ற போது

விடையாக நீயும் வந்தாய், என்

கறைகளை நீக்கி மீட்ட உன்

தகுதியால் மட்டும் வருகிறேன் மீண்டும்

13-2-16, இரவு, 11.45, மத்திகிரி

BT Song 389  Give me grace

Let the grace uphold me

And let your compassion grow more

I come unto you seeking your mercy

What else can I say?

Let your graceful eyes and

The protecting hands

Give more and more (grace)

To the bhaktas who are seeking it

Don’t I have a place?

In your kind heart

Need me to ask this

Does your heart not melt for me?

Why this trial

I need no more pain (and suffering)

You came to protect us

But why did you forget this?

However I lament

And cry unable to understand

This life on earth is a burden

Enough is enough, please take care of me

There are no more words to utter

And I don’t have any more energy to cry

I don’t have any more words with me

To say this unto you

(I don’t have any more tears

To weep further)

24-2-16, Mathigiri, 2.55 pm.

BT 389 வழங்குவாய்

கிருபை என்னை தாங்கட்டும்

கருணை மேலும் வளரட்டும்

இரக்கம் தேடி வந்தேனே

இன்னும் என்ன சொல்லட்டும்

கருணை கொண்ட கண்களும்

காக்கும் உனது கரங்களும்

அருளை நாடும் அடியார்க்கு

அள்ளி இன்னும் வழங்கட்டும்

இரக்கம் கொண்ட மனதிலே

எனக்கும் இடமே இல்லையோ

இதனை நானும் சொல்லவோ

இதயம் உருக வில்லையோ

எதற்கு இந்தச் சோதனை

இனியும் வேண்டாம் வேதனை

எம்மை காக்க வந்தாயே

இதனை ஏனோ மறந்தாயே

புலம்பித் தவித்த போதிலும்

புரிய மறுத்துக் கதறினும்

புவியின் வாழ்வும் பாரமே

போதும் போதும் காருமே

கூற மொழியும் இல்லையே

கதற தெம்பும் இல்லையே

இதற்கு மேலும் சொல்லிட

என்னில் வார்த்தை இல்லையே

(இதற்கு மேலும் அழுதிட

கண்ணீர் என்னில் இல்லையே)

24-2-16, மத்திகிரி, மதியம் 2.55

This poem I wrote after reading ‘Lured by Hope: A Biography of Michael Madhusudan Dutt’ by Ghulam Murshid, trs. Gopa Majumadar, OUP, New Delhi, 2003.

I began to read the book on 21^st night.  But the subject of the book and the way it is written never allowed me to keep it down.  But due to other responsibilities, I cannot complete the reading in one sitting. And on 23^rd night, unable to keep the book down, I continued to read until 1.00 am (at midnight). However, thanks to the bore-well drilling in my neighbourhood I got up by 3.00.  I couldn’t sleep further, though I got irritated and made several failed attempts to stop it by calling police and also lodging complaints in Senior Citizen Grievance.  Then I used it as an opportunity to read the book and read it until 6.00 am.  As I have to go to the Ashram in the afternoon I took it with me and also read while traveling, which I generally avoid for the safety of my eyes.  So when I returned back to Mathigiri in the evening and due to extreme tiredness lay down, again I took the book and continued reading. Though my eyes become very heavy with sleep, still I couldn’t keep the book down.  So naturally, as I wanted to complete the reading, on 24 leaving other reading, I took the book and completed the reading.

But when I was reading about the painful death and all the crisis related to the burial of his dead body, my heart really moved for Dutt.  Particularly the way he and Henrietta were doing their final battle, which was recorded by his close friend Gourdas made me to shed tears:

I shall never be able to forget the heartbreaking sight that met my eyes when I saw Madhu…He was lying in bed, gasping. Blood was oozing out of his mouth. His wife was lying on the floor, running a very high temperature.  Madhu saw me enter the room and raised himself. Then he started crying. What was upsetting him most was that he could not take care of his wife. He was not concerned with his own pain and discomfort. What he told me was this: ‘afflictions in battalions’.  I bent over his wife and felt her forehead and pulse. She pointed at her husband, sighed and broke into sobs. She said, ‘Don’t worry about me, look after him. I am not afraid of death’. {quoted by Jogindranath Basu}—p. 204

Finally after complete the reading; I reflected the drama that went regarding the crises related to his burial:

…On 28 June, {1873} when Madhu was lying in his deathbed, all hope was gone, {Rev.} Krishnamohan {Bandyopadhyay} arrived to get his final confession. It is not known what Madhu confessed.  What is known is Madhu’s reply when both Krishnamohan and Chandranath {Bholanath} pointed out to him that there might be problems regarding his funeral and burial. According to Rev. Joseph Prannath Biswas, Pastor of Trinity Church, Calcutta, Madhu said: ‘I care not for man-made churches nor for anybody’s help. I am going to sleep in my Lord and He will hide me in His best resting place.  Bury me wherever you like—at your door or under a tree; let none disturb my bones. Let green turf grow over my resting place on earth.’(italics original)—p. 206

After reading this, keeping my head on my hands bowing down I remain silent for several minutes, unable to do anything further.

Dutt deserted his parents for his (love) marriage. Later even after marrying as per his wish, deserting his legally wedded wife and four children, living with another woman (Henrietta) and having four more children (one died immediately after its birth), Lured by hope leading an extravagant life, his life ended with great tragedy, in spite of his success as a great poet of Bengal.

Indian literacy has very few tragedies, unlike the Greeks.  But Madhu’s life is the best tragedy that I ever read about an Indian.  And when I was thinking about his life, I thought about what he might be saying to the Lord as prayer—if at all he ever prayed in his life.  Probably he might be pleading for more grace to uphold him. Then I imagined what he would have written expressing that tragic movement of his life on his deathbed.  That time the first line of this song came to mind. Then stepping in his shoes I wrote this song as his prayer, though I can never claim that I am a poet or my songs can be called poetry in its orthodox sense.  Again the melancholic spirit that one can find in Tamil cannot be translated in other languages.

BT Song 390 உன்சித்தம் அறியணும்

உன்சித்தம் அறிய உதவி செய்வாயே

உள்ளாக ஒன்றை நானுமே வைத்து

உதட்டாலே வேறொன்றை உண்மை போல் பேசி

என்னிச்சை தன்னை உனதென்று எண்ணாமல்–உன் சித்தம்…

என்னை ஏமாற்ற எவருமே வேண்டாம்

என்னைப் பாழாக்க பிறருமே வேண்டாம்

என் சித்தம் முன்வைத்து எத்தனம் செய்து

எத்தனாய் மாறிப் பித்தனாய் போகாமல்–உன் சித்தம்…

தந்திரம் பேசி, தர்க்கங்கள் செய்து

என் சித்தம் நிறைவாக்க எல்லாமே செய்து

உன்சித்தம் அதுவென வாதமும் செய்து

உள்ளான அமைதியை நானுமே இழக்காது–உன் சித்தம்

ஆயினும் இதுவொன்றே பழக்கமும் ஆச்சு

அனுதினம் தோற்றாலும் வழக்கமும் ஆச்சு

பழக்கமே வழக்கமாய் மாறியும் போச்சு

அந்தோ என் நிலை பரிதாப மாச்சு–உன் சித்தம்…

இதனின்று நீ என்னை மீட்காவிட்டால்

என்னையும் மீறி என்னைக் காக்காவிட்டால்

இனி வேறு கதி எனக்குமே இல்லை

இனியும் இதை கூற தேவையும் இல்லை

25-2-16, மத்திகிரி, மதியம் 2.45

BT Song 390 I should know your will

Help me to know your will

Not keeping one thing within me

A talking another thing as if the truth

And not believing that my own desire as your will—help me…

I didn’t require any other person to cheat me

And I didn’t require any other person to spoil me

Not keeping my own will in forefront to cheat

And not becoming a deceiver and mad person—help me…

Saying several tricky words and debating in many ways

Doing everything to accomplish my own will

Arguing that this is your will

And not losing my inner peace—help me…

But this too become my habit

Though I get defeated every day, this become my practice

Once habit become practice

My condition became very wretched one!—help me…

Unless you redeem me from this

And help me even by overcoming me

There is no hope for me any more

I don’t need to say this to you—help me…

25-2-16, Mathigiri, 2.45 pm.

The biggest challenge that I often face is to know what the ‘will’ of God is.  Often I superimpose my views, opinions, and desires as the will of God and then begin to think adamantly that this is the will of God.  To justify them I began to reason it out in so many ways.  At the same time, thankfully God put one inner check on what is His and what is my own views.  When I began to reason it out by debating in various ways, the inner voice clearly points out that in the name of the will of God I push my own views.  When I listen to the inner voice, then I can allow God to interfere.  But the reality is that He has to even overcome my shortcoming of not listening to my own inner voice. Sometimes the so-called ‘inner voice’ and ‘inner peace’ also become tricky. There we need to seek the help of other matured bhaktas to whom we are committed to share honestly about the issue in which we seek the will of God.