71. பேராசை வேண்டும்
பேராசை எனக்கிதில் வேண்டும் என்றும்
பேரின்ப வெள்ளத்தில் பாய்ந்து நான் நீராட
மூவாசை மலமும் முற்றிலும் நீங்க
முதல்வனே உன்னைப் பற்றியே நாடிட–பேராசை….
மண்ணாசை பொன்னாசை மற்றெல்லா ஆசைகளும்
மானிடர்க் கியல்பான ஒன்றே-ஆனால்
மனதை மயக்கியே மாயையில் ஆழ்த்திடும்
வீணாசை என்னில் நீக்க வேண்டியே–பேராசை….
உள்ளான வாழ்க்கையில் உறுதியாய் வளர்ந்திட
உன் வார்த்தை அனுதினம் வேண்டும்–அதுவன்றி
வீண் “ஓசை” எழுப்பும் வீணான தத்துவப்
பேரோசை நீக்கியே பொழுதும் உன்னருள் நாட–பேராசை….
71 I should become greedy
I should become greedy to swim
In the flood of bliss and to take dip in it
To remove the three snares completely
And to cling unto you to follow Oh the First One
Lust for earth, gold and other things
Are quite nature for humans-but
To remove the vanity from my heart
Which deludes the mind and drowns in Maya— I should become greedy
To grow in the inner man firmly
I need your Word every day-other than that
To remove the desire to involve in vain arguments
which merely creates only ‘noise’– I should become greedy
In the entire decade of the 1990s I never missed an opportunity which allowed me to indulge in argument with anyone. When I read anything and if it irritates me, unless I write some rejoinder I won’t find inner peace. When a short question is asked, or if I read a relatively short article or when I receive a postcard with short criticism and comments, I will write a long response running several pages. I will try to prove my point from various angles and quote elaborately—even unnecessarily, which nobody can read or understand. One time, one YWAM leader gave a small piece of paper after my class. It had a very short comment criticising my approach. Then I took several pages to give my response. In the course of giving my response, I will even raise a few imagined questions that they might ask (my purva paksha) and begin to give my response.
In my classes too, in giving response to some questions and doubts I will talk too much quoting from various sources—which most of the students may not even understand. But after such arguments when I was alone, I will feel very bad about myself. I would even ask the question to myself: did you respond to prove that you know more than others? To brag about your intellectual capacity? Your oratory? Why not say something very simple so that your audience will be benefited more than your personal satisfaction?
After such incidents, I would prefer to keep quiet and even want to avoid taking classes or writing such responses. Of course some of such responses which I wrote out of frustration and irritation that time became a book: Living Water and Indian Bowl. But my bhakti in the Lord always longed to seek Him and be with Him alone LEAVING EVERY OTHER THING BEHIND ME. This I cannot do. But it took much time to learn that instead of rebutting everything that I read or hear, it is better to IGNORE—even at the cost of accepting personal defeat than wasting time in mere counter arguments—both in written and vocal words. However I am not sure that I can keep quiet all the time. Sometimes we have to answer. However it is better to leave such arguments than stretching it beyond everybody’s limit. Likewise when we read something which convinces us totally but we cannot agree with it, then better draw a truce by declaring ‘agree to disagree’. I think refuting others view—whether we agree or disagree is part of our temperament too, which we have to overcome with the help of the Lord. When I watch some T.V. program I immediately write something about it. Some of them are posted in my blog. But one thing is for sure. Unless others are benefited by our talk and writing at the minimum, they will remain mere ‘noise’, which should be avoided for the benefit of all.
In the second stanza, line one, I deliberately avoided mentioning the third snare among the triplet desires mentioned generally in all Hindu scriptures—particularly in Tamil ‘lust for earth, gold and woman’. I don’t agree that ‘woman’ should be included as a ‘snare, trap’ for man to overcome any lust. As most of the scriptures were written by men, that too (by many) out of frustration as they were defeated by their own lust, they included ‘woman’ in that triplet snare. And the way they use abusive words describing women’s bodies and calling them by various names is condemnable. When I was reading ‘Tiruvarutpa’ by Ramalinga swami, I wondered whether I was reading a religious scripture or erotic one. The way Adi Sankara wrote in one stanza about women in Bhajagovindam1 is a great injustice done not against women, but against humanity. Women being part of life cannot and should not be dumped as a thing of lust for a man. Negatively, this also infer that only men have the lust for women. As a man I cannot understand the mindset of a woman. But I think they too equally have this struggle in their life.
But I mainly wrote this song not to waste my time in useless arguments but drown myself in the bliss of the Lord. I think this I wrote after one class, again a long comment for a short poem.
15-7-14
Notes
1. Nari sthana bara nabi desam
Drshtva maga moha vesham
Yetan maasavasadi vikaram
Manasavi chintaya varam varam. (quoted from memory)
–don’t become lustful after seeing the …. and … of woman. All these are nothing but a perversion of flesh. And think again and again about this.
BT Song 72
72. மூடனே நானும்
மூடனே நான் முழுமனதாய் உன்னை
நாடியே நாளும் நன்கு தேடாதவரை
வீணிலே போக்கினேன் காலமதை-உலகின்
ஞானமதை வீணில் நாடும் வரை
மெச்சினர் மனிதர் ஞானியென்று-ஆனால்
கொச்சையான என் குணமறியாமலே
நல்வாழ்வை நாடாமல் நாளும்-பொய்
ஞானமதை வீணில் நாடியதால்
பயன் என்ன பெற்றேன் கல்வியினால்
மனப்பரிசுத்தமற்று வீணில் வாழும் வரை
பாவிக்கு இரங்குவாய் பரம்பொருளே
பக்தியுடன் பணியும் மூடனுக்கே!
02-03-1995
72. I AM A FOOL
I will remain a fool till I don’t seek you
Diligently with whole heart everyday
I merely wasted my time
As long as I sought the wisdom of this world
People praise me as a jnani
Without knowing my mean nature
Without seeking a good life everyday
Seeking false knowledge wastefully
What profit I gained through my reading
If I live a life without a pure heart.
O eternal one show mercy to this sinner
Who bowed before with much bhakti?
02-03-1995
One time Kannan said that I am spending too much time reading than seeking the Lord and also in prayer. Because he saw that I am reading books like a mad man. Seeking information is not bad, but being obsessed with books is a temptation for me. I won’t read a book and keep away. I will mark important points, type the entire notes. After that I will arrange them under various topics. By this almost I would have read that book three times. For a professional writer such an endeavour might be necessary. But reading books only to gather information and saving them for future needs won’t make a person scholar. And another person said, ‘for swamiji writing are mere “cut” and “paste”’. There is truth in it. One time I told him in the ashram that when I complete one book another book should be ready. When I write other thoughts will come and I will end up writing several things simultaneously. When I forget something in the cooking my mother will rebuke me to pay attention in cooking and not to think about books.
By sharing this I am not indirectly applauding myself. As a bhakta and a sannyasi the time that I should spend in sadhana is less than what I spend on merely gathering information by reading (and also watching some TV programs—of course not for entertainment. That is why I watch DD Bharati, Podhigai and other channels which most will ignore.) But I spend less time with the Lord and more with books. I wish it would be the other way around. In this context I wrote this song in 1995. Almost 20 years have gone, but not much improvement in this regard. I can console myself by saying that as others work a minimum of 6 to 8 hours in their workplace, I am spending a few hours reading and writing. However this won’t justify my passion for books, which a sannyasi should overcome.
18-7-14
BT Song 73
73. உறவு வேண்டும்
உன்னோடு உறவு வேண்டும்
அதில் உள்ளான நிறைவு வேண்டும்
கல்லாகிப் போன போதும் மனதுள்
கசிந்துருகும் உணர்வு வேண்டும்
சொல்லோடு செயலும் ஒன்றாக
இல்லாத போது என்னில்
பொய்யான வாழ்வு ஒன்றே
மேலோங்கி என்றும் நிற்கும்
போராடித் தோற்றேன் நாளும்
பொழுதெல்லாம் என்னோடு நானும்
புனிதனே உன்னருள் வேண்டும்
புதுவாழ்வு என்னில் காண!
14-03-1995
73. I need (your) relationship
I need relationship with you
And I should have inner content in it.
Even though I became hard like a stone
I need sense in my heart which should melt
When my words and life
Are not one and the same
A life of illusion will
Stand tall all the time.
I was defeated everyday
After struggling with myself
Oh Holy One I need your grace
To see a new life within me.
14-03-1995
A long spell of dryness in a relationship is unavoidable. But this sense will be too much in a single person’s life than in others for known reasons. Particularly in spiritual life, a sense of dryness often overcomes me. In theory I know that my feelings are not important. But this dryness has nothing to do with any feeling, emotion or experience. The snare in it is that as I have rejected the importance of emotion and feeling in bhakti, neither can I seek them nor can I blame them. Such dryness is more in my understanding, in my relationship with the Lord. Several weeks and months have gone in my life where I will stand still allowing the Lord to move things around me as He wished. Those times I will try to pour my heart out by writing songs, but words won’t come. In fact one time I wrote one poem when I felt some dryness within me and unable to write any poem:
உணர்ச்சிகள் உறைந்து போனதால்
உணர்வுகள் இருண்டு போனதே
உணர்வுகள் இருண்டு போனதால்
கற்பனை வறண்டு போனதே
கற்பனை வறண்டு போனதால்
சொற்களும் தொலைந்து போனதே
சொற்களும் தொலைந்து போனதால்
எண்ணங்கள் தேங்கிப் போனதே
எண்ணங்கள் தேங்கிப் போனதால்
எழுத்துக்கள் உலர்ந்து போனதே
எழுத்துக்கள் உலர்ந்து போனதால்
என்னுள் வறட்சி வந்ததே
என்னுள் வறட்சி வந்ததால்
ஏதும் எழுத இயலவில்லை
As my senses became frozen
My feelings also became very dark
As the feelings became dark
Imagination became dry
As imagination became dry
I lost all the words too
As I lost the words
My thought became stagnant
As my thought became stagnant
All the letters become dry
As the letters became dry
A draught has come within me
As a draught came in me
I cannot write anything.
Of course when Kannan read this poem, he said, ‘so your dryness also forced you to write a poem on it’. A person like me who is emotional to some extent and rational on the other side should feel often tossed between the two. When my reason refuses to accept emotion, my emotion won’t justify my reason. Then caught between the rock and hard place, I feel that I am trapped and often feel some kind of dryness within me.
But in times of such dryness, instead of chasing some mirage I learnt to abide in the Lord allowing Him to do anything as He wished for my life.
18-7-14
BT Song 74
74. நீ வர வேண்டும்
உள்ளான உணர்வோடு
உன்னோடு உறவாட
உனதருள் எனக்கு வேண்டும்
பொய்யான வாழ்விலே
மெய்யான உன்னடியே நாட
பேரருள் எனக்கு வேண்டும்
கல்லாத மூடன்நான்
காண்கிலேன் வழிவேறு
ஐயனே உன் கருணை வேண்டும்
கணப்பொழுதும் தள்ளாமல்
கதறிடும் இக்குழவியைக்
காத்திட நீ வரவேண்டும்!
20-03-1995
74. You should come
To have relationship with you
In my inner feeling
I need your grace
In this false life
To seek your true feet
I need more grace
I am unlearned fool
I don’t find any other way
I need your grace
Without rejecting even for a moment
You should come to protect
This crying baby
20-03-1995
‘jnanavahinha sarvamathena muktim bhajati na janma satena’ (all the sampradaya claim that without knowledge [one] cannot attain mukti even after taking hundreds of births) says Sri Adi Sankara in Vivekasudamani. Avidya is the main cause for one not to receive mukti. By removing avidya by jnana one can have that realization that ‘Aham Brahmasmi’ (I am Brahman). I too liked this formula that proper knowledge is important for us to understand not only mukti but also scripture. Of course we need not agree with Sankara’s approach about receiving that jnana. However the need for ‘jnana’ is vital for me too.
But for me this jnana is to have a correct understanding about our bhakti and Muktiveda. Otherwise this lack of jnana viz., ignorance (avidya) will keep us trapped in our own blind faiths and superstitions. At the same time, as I said already, all our understanding about our bhakti won’t be rationalistic to others and also to us (both initially and also several times in our journey with the Lord). We begin with faith and wait upon the Lord to reveal more. However, mere reading or collecting information alone won’t make one a true ‘jnani’ (wise man). That is why traditionally in India, particularly in spiritual journey, ‘vidya’ is differentiated from ‘jnana’. That jnana is bestowed to us ONLY BY THE GRACE of the Lord. Though Sankara interpreted the ‘mat prasad’ in Katha Upanishad (2:20) about the grace of the atman, other theistic Vedanta schools (correctly) interpreted it as the ‘grace of God’ or not through human knowledge. That is why however one could be a learned person she will remain an ‘unlearned fool’ without having this ‘jnana’ which is a gift from God. That is why several unlettered saints were celebrated as true jnanis as they claimed to have attained it not through any study of scriptures but through intuition.
Whatever may be our intellectual understanding of Muktiveda, we need to seek the relationship with the Lord within us which alone bestows His knowledge. Otherwise I will remain a fool, not learning from the Lord.
21-7-14
BT Song 75
75. பேதைக்குக் குறைவேது?
எந் நிலையிலும் மகிழ்வாய் இருக்க
எந் நாளும் நானும் அறிவேனே
எதையும் செய்ய என்னால் ஆகுமினி
என் ஐயன் என்னோடு உள்ளவரை
வாழ்வும் தாழ்வும் நான் அறிந்தேனே
பாங்காய் எனக்கவன் போதித்ததால்
குறைவும் நிறைவும் எனக்கினி இல்லை
எல்லாம் அவனுள் நிறைந்ததினால்
பலவீனன் ஆயினும் பெலன்பெற்றேன்
மதியீனன் ஆயினும் உள்ளபடி அறிந்தேன்
போதிக்கும் குருவாக என்நாதனிருக்கையில்
பேதைக்குக் குறைவேது இவ்வுலகில் வாழும்வரை!
22-04-1995
75. Nothing I lack
I know always
To remain joyful in every situation
I can accomplish anything hereafter
As long as my Lord is with me
I learnt about success and failures
As He taught me clearly
I am neither is full nor empty hereafter
As everything is complete in Him
Though I am weak, I received strength
Though a fool, I understood (things) as they are
As the Lord remains the Guru to teach me
What else this ignorant will lack as long as I live on this earth
22-04-1995
This is a song I wrote after I meditated on Phil. 4: 11-13. Though the entire Muktiveda is important for us, yet several verses become more important as they address a particular need in a clear way. For me these two lines are important for me in this song, as I often meditate on this thought in my life:
குறைவும் நிறைவும் எனக்கினி இல்லை
எல்லாம் அவனுள் நிறைந்ததினால்
I am neither is full nor empty hereafter
As everything is complete in Him
‘As everything is complete in Him’, any feeling related with ‘high and low’ ‘full and empty’ never creates mere emotion about them. The human tendency is that when we have abundance then a fear of losing it will come. Then it creates a subtle anxiety and will prevent us from enjoying that abundance totally. The same way when we miss or feel empty, then a longing (thrishna) to have it or an anger which stops us to have it will come. Then ‘anxiety’ and ‘longing’ will always make us lose our balance in life. To strike a balance between the two is called ‘stitap prjnata’—stable mindedness. But it is not easy to achieve. All kinds of sadhana won’t help unless we realize and UNDERSTAND that WE ARE COMPLETE IN HIM. Here bhakti alone helps a person more than jnana or karma.
When Arjuna asks about the ‘lakshana’ (symptoms) of a stable minded (sthitaprajna) (Gita 2:54) person, what Krisha shares in response (2:55-71) is worth reading. Particularly I like the slokas 2:63-64.1 However mere instruction on such sadhana that too giving ethical and moral ideals as the symptoms for a stable minded person is not easy for everyone. For example Valluvar says, ‘when trouble comes just laugh’. 2 And questioning this Kannadasan in one of his film songs asks:
துன்பம் வரும் வேளையிலே சிரிங்க
என்று சொல்லிவச்சார் வள்ளுவரு சரிங்க
பாம்பு வந்து கடிக்கயில் பாழ்மனது துடிக்கையில்
யாரிடத்தில் பொங்கிவரும் சிரிப்பு
இது கீழ்ப்புறத்தில் கசப்பு மேற்புறத்தில் இனிப்பு
பட்டினத்தார் கையில் உள்ள கரும்பு
When suffering comes (just) laugh
Said Valluvar and that is correct!
But when a snake bites and the mind is troubled
In whose heart laughter will bubble?
This is like the sugar can in the hands of Pattinathar 3
Which is bitter at the bottom and sweet at the top. (quoted from memory)
Having mere detachment or stoic indifference to anything could be ideal, yet it is not practical or even advisable. Of course ‘viewing gold and a broken mud pot as the one and the same’4 could be one of the marks of a stable minded person, but it is said from the point of renouncing everything. And Pattinattar giving his idealism says:
The one who attained true janna will remain like a child
(சேய்போல் இருப்பக் கண்டீர் மெய்ஞ்ஞானம் தெளிந்தவரே)
And another ideal that he shares as part of this song is:
… … Viewing other women as mother
and treating others as oneself will remain very humble
(…. நன்மங்கையரைத்
தாய்போல் கருதி தம்போல் அனைவர்க்கும் தாழ்மைசொல்லி)
But the symptom for this what he prescribes is bit odd and could be based on his own experience as a wandering sannyasi:
Wandering like a ghost, laying like a dead body, accepting all the alms
And eating them like a dog and wandering like a fox….
(பேய்போல் திரிந்து பிணம்போல் கிடந்து இட்டபிச்சையெல்லாம்
நாய்போல் அரிந்தி நரிபோல் உழன்று நன்மங்கையரைத்) 5
###
We can quote such idealism and practical examples from the life of many saints from Hindu tradition. However Muktivedic ideal is not having any condescending view on matter (both materials and body) but ‘stewardship’ and a realization that we are ‘complete in Him’. I like this Muktivedic sadhana which prescribes a healthy and holistic view about life not pushing us to one extreme.
21-7-14
- dhyaayato visayaan pumsah sangas tesuupajaayate
sangaat samjaayate kaamah kaamat krodho’bhijaayate. (62)
krodhaad bhavati sammohah sammohaat smrtivibhramah
smrti bhramsaad buddhinaaso buddhinaasaat pranasyati.(63)
–Brooding on the objects of senses, a man develops attachment for them; from attachment springs up desire; from desire (unfulfilled) ensues anger. From anger arises delusion, from delusion; confusion of memory; from confusion of memory, loss of reason; and from loss of, reason (discrimination), he goes to complete ruin.—Swami Ramsukhadas, Srimad Bhagavadgita, Sadhaka sanjivani, Gita Press, Gorakhpur, Vol. I, pp. 140-41
This is like a small thought/need, then an imagination on that, then desire, then longing(thrishna), then action and finally conviction or justification of doing it.
2.. இடுக்கண் வருங்கால் நகுக அதனை
அடுத்துஊர்வது அஃதுஒப்பது இல்
Laugh away the trouble when it comes
Nothing equals it to conquer pains.—Thirukkural, Trn. M. Rajaram, New Delhi, Rupa & Co, 2009, p. 128
3.. See BT Song 55 for the sugar can in the hand of Pattinatthar.
4.. ஓடும் செம்பொன்னும் ஒக்கவே நோக்குவார் (quoted from memory)
5. Here is the full poem:
பேய்போல் திரிந்து பிணம்போல் கிடந்து இட்டபிச்சையெல்லாம்
நாய்போல் அரிந்தி நரிபோல் உழன்று நன்மங்கையரைத்
தாய்போல் கருதி தம்போல் அனைவர்க்கும் தாழ்மைசொல்லி
சேய்போல் இருப்பக் கண்டீர் மெய்ஞ்ஞானம் தெளிந்தவரே
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