81. அருளொடு செயல்
என்னுள்ளே அமைதி வேண்டும்
எனக்கதை அருளவேண்டும்
சொல் செயல் எனப் பலவாறு
வரும் சஞ்சலம் நீங்க வேண்டும்.
சிந்தையின் ஓட்டத்தை என்றும்
சீராக்க முயலும் போது
சிதறிடும் மனதை ஒன்றாக்கி
உன்சித்தம் அறிந்திட வேண்டும்
என் விருப்பம் போல எல்லாம்
என் வாழ்வில் நடக்காத போதும்
உன்சித்தம் எதுவென எண்ணி
உன் பாதம் பணிய வேண்டும்
நாள்தோறும் நான் வாழும் வாழ்வில்
பிறர் நலம் எண்ணி உழைக்க வேண்டும்
சுயநலம் தலை தூக்கும் போது-உன்
சிலுவை என் சிந்தையில் வேண்டும்
கூறுவது மிகவெனக் கேளிது
ஆனால் கைக்கொள்ள முயலும் போது
உன் கருணையின் துணையில்லாது
கடைபிடிக்க என்னால் ஆகாது!
வெறும் தத்துவம் பேசி இவ்வாழ்வில்
முக்தியும் பெற இயலாது
அருளோடு செயலும் வேண்டும்
அதற்கு நீ உதவ வேண்டும்.
15-01-1996. லக்னோ. (உ.பி)
81. Working along with Grace
I need peace within me
You should bestow that to me.
Several frustrations that come
In the forms of words and work should be removed.
When I tried to control my thoughts
To bring it to be focused
By gathering the heart which runs wildly
I should know your will.
When things are not going
As per my wish in life
To know what is your will
I should bow at your feet.
In this life which I live everyday
I should toil only keeping others interest
When selfishness raises its head
I should keep your cross in my mind.
This is very easy for me to say
But when I try to implement it
I cannot follow it
Without the help of your grace
By merely talking philosophy
I cannot get release (escape) in this life.
Toil should be accompanied with Grace
And you should help me with that.
15-01-1996. Lucknow U. P.
Mere determination to do anything never helped me to accomplish anything in my life. Several times, many things which I thought I can never accomplish, I completed to my satisfaction. And I strongly believe that this is purely because of God’s grace. Several times out of compulsion I am forced to do certain things. Some days I feel terribly tired and don’t want to go to the kitchen. But out of compulsion I will do my part, not even praying to God to help me in that situation. However I will do my part faithfully. Several times when I took classes for the Hindu bhaktas and their family people (at Kodaikanal in annual summer meetings) I secretly wished that ‘this year’s meeting should be cancelled’. As I had to handle alone to take all the classes plus several personal talks, even before the meeting started, I felt completely exhausted.
There were several such occasions in which I ‘wished’ that program, meeting, trip, visit etc. get cancelled. As my selfishness overcome, longed for the cancellation of them. But when God forced me to do it, then I wholeheartedly done my part at my best knowing that that is His will for me in that particular time. Submission helped me more than to remain rebellious. Whether I like it or not I will be forced to do which God has already planned. My grudging will only increase my burden. Particularly with God there is no point of grudging. He never accepts my excuses though he was ready to accept my weakness. Knowing this secret whenever my selfishness tries to overtake me, keeping the cross in my mind I will obey as His grace is available readily when I feel exhausted. This I felt several times where I had to do many tasks single handedly. Of course others tried to help their best, but as the in charge of the program I had to be involved in everything and become multi-tasked person.
This song I wrote when I thought about several of my ‘wishes’ for the cancellation of several programs in my life.
25-7-2014
BT Song 82
82. வரும் வரை பொறுத்திரு
உன்னை உணர்வது என்பது
ஒருநாளும் இயலாத காரியம்
உள்ளொளி பெருக்கி நீயுமே
வரவேண்டும் என்னிடம் நாளுமே
சஞ்சலமான என் மனமே!
சற்றேனும் நிற்க மாட்டாயோ?
என்னிடம் வருகிற இறைவனிடம்
ஒரு வார்த்தை பேச விட மாட்டாயோ?
ஆயிரம் காரியம் உண்டெனக்கு
அறிவேனே அத்தனையும் நானும் நன்கு
அவையாவும் சிறப்பாக செய்திடவே
அவன் அருள் வேண்டும் நாள்தோறும்
வலிய தேடி வருகின்ற
தெய்வத்தை காண ஒரு முறை
எத்தனிக்கும் போதினிலே
கூத்தடிக்கின்றாய் ஆனாலும் நீ
ஆ! என்செய்வேன் இறைவனே?
அருகில் வந்த பின் உன்னையே!
தடவியாகிலும் காணவே
தவிக்கின்ற என் நிலை காணாயோ!
எட்டி நின்றபடி வேடிக்கை
பார்ப்பதென்பது உன் வாடிக்கை
அருளோடு நீ காட்டும் புன்னகை
அதுவே என் வாழ்வில் நம்பிக்கை
இவ்வளவு தூரம் வந்த பின்னே
இன்னும் சிலகணம் பொறுத்திடு
எனக்குள்ள வேலை முடிந்த பின்னே
வருவேன் அதுவரை பொறுத்திரு!
18-01-1996. லக்னோ
82. Wait till I come
Understanding you
Is impossible ever in life!
You should come to me
By giving inner light within me.
Oh unstable mind
Can you stand still (for a moment)?
Won’t you allow me to talk?
To my Lord who comes unto me?
Thousands of things you have
And I know that well
But even to accomplish them correctly
His grace is needed every day
When I try to see my Lord at least one time
Who comes unto me voluntarily
You give too much unnecessary trouble.
Oh Lord, what else can I do?
After you come near to me
Cannot you see my longing
to realize your presence
by throwing my hand around you (like a blind person)?
But standing in a distance
Seeing this thamasha is your regular event!
The gentle smile accomplished with grace from you
Is the only hope in my life.
After you came this for
Wait for some more time
After accomplishing my work I will come unto you
Wait for me till that time.
18-01-1996. Lucknow
Several times in my life I was too busy with all other works, except to spend time with the Lord. I will decide to be with the Lord after accomplishing the work on my hand, but another will come. Such incidents repeated several times in life and still continue. In one situation I wrote this song, as I felt that the Lord with a smile on His lips standing in a distance is watching all my busyness. So rebuking and begging my heart not to become too busy at the same time pleading with the Lord to wait some more time till I finish the work on my hand, I wrote this song. I know many of us have similar experiences.
25-6-14
BT Song 83
83. சுய சித்தம்
சித்தம் இருந்தாலே போதுமோ?
என்சுய சித்தம் இருந்தாலே போதுமோ?
இனி ஒருபோதும் இப்படிச் செய்யேன்
என்றே நான் செய்த தீர்மானம் என்ன?
ஆயினும் என் செயலை ஆராயும்போது
ஐயகோ என்சொல்வேன் வீழ்ந்தேனே பின்னே
சுய பலத்தை மட்டும் நம்பியே நானும்
செய்யும் தீர்மானம் ஆயிரமாயினும்
தெய்வத்தின் அருளும் சேராதவரை
வென்றிட முடியாது இது இங்கு உண்மை!
19-01-1996. லக்னோ (உ.பி)
83. Self determination
Is my determination enough
That I won’t do it again like this?
What happened to the decision which I took
That I won’t do this again?
But when I evaluated my work
What can I say? Again I failed!
Though we took thousands decisions
Only depending upon our own strength
Unless accompanied with the grace of God
We can never become successful (in implementing them).
19-01-1996. Lucknow
This is my ongoing struggle even today. I think my temperament plays a leading role in all the decisions that I take in life. Particularly in my relationship with others, I decided several times not to be involved with that person’s life anymore. I won’t get involved with the particular problem in that person’s life etc. But my temperament will never allow me to remain strong in it. This happened not only in my decision in my relationship with people but also in other activities. I attempted ‘no more diary writing’. But still I continue. Several times I have decided not to write anymore poems, but continue to write them. At the same time I cannot excuse myself blaming or pointing out my temperament. The clash between my free will, God’s plan/will for me and my temperament is a constant struggle for me.
26-7-14
BT Song 84
On 17-02-1996 evening as usual I went for my evening walk. I was staying with Shashikant Dube in his village at Mahari (Rewa, M.P). After a half an hour walk at the outskirts of the village I sat very near to the river full of water. On both sides there are plenty of mango and other trees, surrounded by wheat fields. As it was winter time, the sunset was beautiful. The place where I went regularly is a quiet and calm place from where we can see not only the sun set but its reflection on the water. On that day, when the sun was setting with golden red color, I saw several birds flying and making gentle noises. The gentle cold, sun set, birds and their voice accompanied by the calm surrounding created some kind trance within me. That time I wrote this song. This is one of my favorite songs, which we still sing in our puja in the ashram gatherings.
17-02-1996 அன்று மாலை, வழக்கப்படி மஹரியில் (ரீவா. ம.பி) நதிக்கரையோரம் உலவச் சென்ற போது இருந்த அமைதி என்னை மிகவும் கவர்ந்தது. பறவைகளின் இனிய ஓசை, மென்மையான குளிர், சிவப்பாய் மறையும் சூரியன் எனக்கு மிகவும் ஆனந்தத்தைக் கொடுத்தது. அந்நேரம் இறைவனைப் போற்றி எழுதிய பாடல்:
84. வேறென்ன வேண்டும்?
அமைதியான இந்த மாலையிலே–என்
ஐயனுடன் அமர்ந்த வேளையிலே
இனிமையான இசை சூழ்ந்திருக்க
என்னை மறந்துமே நானிருக்க–அமைதியான….
மெல்லிய குரலால் புள்ளினம் யாவும்
புனிதனை போற்றியே புகழ்ந்திருக்க
ஆர்ப்பரித் தெழுந்த என் மனமும்
ஐயனைப் போற்றிப் பணிந்திருக்க–அமைதியான….
வேறென்ன இன்பம் வேண்டி நிற்பேன்
இங்கு மாறுபடும் இந்த உலகினிலே
அருகினில் அமர்ந்தே அவன் பாதம்
வருடியே சேவை செய்வதல்லால்–அமைதியான….
84. What else do I require?
In this calm evening
When I sit with my Lord
As melodious music surrounds me
I forget myself
Birds with their gentle voice
Praise the Lord
My heart too raises up
To worship Him
What other pleasure I will seek
In this contradicting world?
Other than sitting at His feet
To gently massage His feet?
17-02-1996, Mahari, Rewa (M.P.)
I like the last stanza in which I said that by sitting at His feet and gently messaging and doing the seva. This is a common picture in bhakti tradition. Though ‘padasevanam’ could also mean that sitting at the feet to listen and learn, yet doing seva to guru or deity by pressing the feet gently while He takes rest is part of bhakti tradition. Even one of the consorts of Vishnu in most of the paintings and sculptures is depicted massaging the feet of Vishnu while He is reclaiming on His snake bed. There are several stories where the disciples have done this seva to their guru. The muktivedic picture about Martha sitting at the feet of the Lord and listening to Him and the woman pouring oil; kissing it and wiping it with her hair illustrates the shared culture of Asian tradition in one form or the other. That is why ‘padasevanam’ (doing seva at the feet of the Lord) comes the last but one and just before ‘atma nivedanam’ (offering oneself completely by surrendering) in the list of nine forms of bhakti. Whenever I sing this song, I recall that beautiful evening in Mahari.
26-07-2014
BT Song 85
85. நிறைத்திடு நம்பிக்கை
நம்பிக்கை எனக்கு உண்டு
ஆயினும் ஐயனே என்னுளே
போராடும் இம் மனதிலே
அவ நம்பிக்கையும் உண்டு!
என்னதான் செய்வேன் நானே?
நீக்கிட அதனையும் தானே?
முயன்றேனே நானும் பலமுறை
ஆனால் தோற்றேனே இதுவரை
கூறிடத் தேவையோ உனக்கு?
என் நிலை அறிந்த உனக்கு?
நீக்கி அவநம்பிக்கை என்னில்
நிறைத்திடு நம்பிக்கை மீண்டும்!
வாரணாசி (காசி)14-03-199. மாற்கு. 9:24.
85. Fill me with faith
I have faith
O Lord within me
But in this struggling heart
There is lack of faith also
What can I do?
To remove it from me?
I attempted several times
But defeated till this day
Is it necessary to tell you?
As know me completely?
Remove lack of faith from me
And fill me with full of hope
Varanasi, 4-03-1996. Mark. 9:24.
One marked difference that I received after I became the bhakta of the Lord is my attitude both in worship and prayer. Before knowing the Lord, when I sit down to do puja, I will pay more attention to follow the rituals in a prescribed manner. Any lapse in the ritual will not only affect the puja and in some cases will bring adverse results as the deity to whom such pujas will feel offended by not following the ritual properly. Particularly when any vow was taken, then maximum care will be taken in following the rules and regulations. When some bhaktas of Aiyappa met with some accident the immediate reason attributed would be defects in following the rules in the vow period which offended the god and received punishment according to the level of lapse. That is why even today when certain vows are taken to some ferocious goddesses severe warning will be given in advance that any lapse in ritual will bring adverse results to the person herself.
Whereas in my bhakti in the Lord in my worship and prayer all the lapses in matter related to ethical issues, lack of faith and trust in the Lord, interpersonal relationship etc., will come more to my mind than the rules and regulations of do and don’t do list related with rituals. Particularly the lack of faith will dominate my mind, though I will trust the Lord. In matters of serious issues, a subtle voice will always echo within me saying, ‘pray, but be prepared for the worst’. This lack of faith and hope is still there in my relationship with the Lord. Whereas trusting the correct way of doing rituals gave confidence before, now rather than rituals, my lack of faith dominates my mind more. Though the Tamil word ‘Nambikkai’ is hope here it is both faith and hope for me. And when I was reading Mark 9:23-24, at Varanasi, I deeply thought about it and how I too identify with that father who cried to remove his disbelief.
26-7-14
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