BT Song 1186
One of my spiritual mentors in the early days of my bhakti in the Lord used to say, “It is very easy to live with the god of the Purva-Veda (OT), but very difficult to live with the Lord of the Uttaraveda (NT). Because you only need to implement the Ten Commandments, and you will be all right. But the problem with the Lord is that when you accomplish one of his precepts, he will raise the bar a little further. And each time you manage to jump the new height, he will do the same again. So, till the end, you can never live with the satisfaction that you have accomplished his commandments.”
This is true for all the bhaktas. After reading what Yancey wrote about “Chasing Grace,” comparing the lives of Leo Tolstoy and Feodor Dostoevsky (in Philip Yancey, Soul Survivor, New York, Galilee Doubleday, 2001, pp. 119-146), I wrote this song [BT Song 1186] as I began to reflect on the following main points from this section:
“Yet by any measure, Tolstoy’s quest for holiness ended in disappointment. In short, he failed to practice what he preached. His wife put it well (in an obviously biased account):
‘There is so little genuine warmth about him; his kindness does not come from his heart, but merely from his principles. His biographies will tell of how he helped the laborers to carry buckets of water, but no one will ever know that he never gave his wife a rest and never—in all these thirty-two years—gave his child a drink of water or spent five minutes by his bedside to give me a chance to rest a little from all my labors.’ (From Sonya’s diary)
‘Where is his love?’ she demanded after one violent shouting match. ‘His nonresistance? His Christianity?’ He never showed affection toward the children who consumed so much of her life. The one who professed such love of humanity had difficulty loving any single individuals, even the members of his own family.” (p. 127)
“In the end, Tolstoy fled from his fame, his family, his estate, his identity; he died like a vagrant in a rural railroad station, surrounded by curious villagers and journalists from around the world. A poignant photo survives of Sonya peering anxiously through a dirty window to catch a glimpse of her husband, who lay dying inside; his disciples refused her entrance lest her presence upset him. Tolstoy reminds us that, contrary to those who say the gospel solves our problems, in many areas—justice issues, money issues, race issues, personal issues of pride and ambition—the gospel actually adds to our burdens.” (pp. 127-28)
“Sadly, Tolstoy never allowed that gospel to bring comfort to his own life. A. N. Wilson, a biographer of Tolstoy, remarks that his ‘religion was ultimately a thing of Law rather than of Grace, a scheme for human betterment rather than a vision of God penetrating a fallen world.’ With crystalline clarity, Tolstoy could see his own inadequacy in the light of God’s ideal. But he could not take the further step of trusting God’s grace to overcome the inadequacy.” (p. 134)
“There is only one way for any of us to resolve the tension between the high ideals of the gospel and the grim reality of ourselves: to accept that we will never measure up, but that we do not have to. Tolstoy got it halfway right: anything that makes me feel comfort with God’s moral standard, anything that makes me feel, ‘At last I have arrived,’ is a cruel deception. Dostoevsky got the other half right: anything that makes me feel discomfort with God’s forgiving love is also a cruel deception. ‘There is now no condemnation to those who are in Christ Jesus,’ Paul insisted: that message, Leo Tolstoy never fully grasped.” (pp. 144-45)
BT Song 1186 Too High to Jump [Simple English]
When I live
Depending on your grace,
Where is any
Place for my qualification?
When I live
Hoping for your kindness,
Where is any
Place for despair?
Trying to jump
The height you set for me,
Though I tried my best
I often fail.
Defeated
By a narrow margin,
Yet I am encouraged
To attempt again.
Preparing me
Thoroughly,
You enable me
To leap that height.
Raising
The bar higher,
You challenge me
To jump that height again.
No matter how many times
I may succeed,
You always
Raise the bar higher.
Until the end,
Your expectations
Will push me
To surrender.
Supporting me
With your grace,
Guiding me
To know my limits.
Taking away
My ability to jump,
You lead me
To live in you.
Mathigiri, 6-4-2020, 10:45 p.m.
BT Song 1186 Too High to Leap [English style]
When I abide
By thy grace divine,
Where exists
Room for my earthly merit?
When I endure
In hope of thy mercy,
Where exists
Space for despair’s lament?
Striving to ascend
To the heights thou ordain,
Though I labor valiantly,
I falter oft.
Vanquished
By a narrow divide,
Yet emboldened
To leap anew.
Thoroughly prepared,
Thou dost fashion me,
Enabling me
To surmount that height.
Elevating
The bar ever higher,
Thou dost bid me
To leap again.
No matter how oft
Victory crowns my effort,
Thou dost ever
Raise the bar higher.
Until life’s end,
Thy lofty standards
Shall compel me
To yield.
Upholding me
With thy sovereign grace,
Teaching me
To know my bounds.
Withholding
My ability to soar,
Thou dost lead me
To dwell in thee.
Mathigiri, 6-4-2020, 10:45 p.m.
BT Song 1187
Both kinds of messages are coming about the Corona pandemic. When I watch the news, it is really discouraging. But when I see the way several people who refuse to accept defeat and fight back, it encourages me. Though several economic experts predict a doomsday in the near future, some messages give hope as we have the resilient spirit to fight back against such crises in life. As the world stands still without activities, though I feel sorry for those who cannot cope with this kind of life, the positive impact on the environment is encouraging. This pandemic teaches one good lesson: humanity can live even without several unnecessary luxuries that create many problems for natural life and the environment. Though we will soon overcome this crisis, I know for sure that life won’t be the same again for many people in the world—both positively and negatively. But for me, I have my own personal crisis as my mind refuses to stand still and always acts the same as before. I take comfort that one day it too will stand still when the atman finds its final solace in the Lord.
BT Song 1187 I Should Live in You [Simple English]
Until the end, holding firm like this,
I should live in you.
Meanwhile, all troubles that arise
Should vanish like dew.
With conviction in my heart,
I should think of you often.
You should remove
All the troubles that come in this life.
Once you granted me this life
To sing your praises,
Thinking of this opportunity,
I should always praise you.
My heart should follow
As your teachings guide.
For that, you should stay close to me
And teach me diligently.
Even if the world stops
With no movement at all,
My restless mind
Should find stability in you.
When the world is confused,
Losing its way,
You should call me,
“Surrender to me.”
Though the time may come
For this mortal body to perish,
This soul should live eternally,
Always reaching for you.
Mathigiri, 11-4-2020, 11:45 p.m.
BT Song 1187 I Should Dwell in Thee [English style]
Till the end, steadfast thus,
I should dwell in thee.
All fleeting troubles that come
Should dissolve like morning dew.
With unwavering faith in my heart,
I should meditate upon thee often.
Thou shalt dispel
All life’s trials and woes.
Granting me this life once,
To hymn thy praises,
Reflecting on this gift,
Ever shall I extol thee.
Let my soul follow
As thy scriptures guide.
Be thou near,
Teaching me with care.
Though the world may pause
In motionless stand,
My restless mind,
Be stilled in thee.
In times of worldly confusion,
When paths are lost,
Thou shalt call me,
“Surrender unto me.”
When the hour comes
For this mortal frame to fade,
My spirit shall abide,
Ever reaching for thee.
Mathigiri, 11-4-2020, 11:45 p.m.
BT Song 1188
After reading my regular portion in the Muktiveda (from both the Purva and Uttara Vedas), as I closed my eyes to relax, an urge came within me to write something. But I tried my best to resist it. A struggle started between my mind and atman. Finally, the mind won. So with much hesitation, I took a piece of paper and a pencil (I never use a pen to write poems). To take revenge on my mind, I wrote this song, trusting God that one day he will help me to overcome my mind and give me the peace that my atman really longs for.
BT Song 1188 Keep Patience [simple English]
My mind
Always urges me
To write
Something.
But my soul
Every day
Begs me
Not to do so.
As they
Battle within,
Ultimately
My mind prevails.
Yet, refusing
To accept defeat,
The soul insists
Its time will come.
To prepare
The mind for that day,
It arranges
Various practices.
However, the mind
Plays its own game,
Ultimately finding
Victory elusive.
The mind, too,
Reflects often
On the peace
Longed for by the soul.
But due to
Its own pride,
Despite knowing
What is right, it hesitates.
The soul,
Patiently waiting,
Believes its time
Will come naturally.
The soul believes
That if the mind
Once experiences that peace,
It will repent.
Seeking
God’s grace for this,
It humbly
Bows at His feet.
Unaware
When God will grant it,
Both mind and soul
Follow their paths.
Mathigiri, 12-4-2020, 11:00 p.m.
BT Song 1188 Keep Patience [English style]
My mind doth
Ever tempt me
To pen
Some word or thought.
Yet my soul
Each day
Doth plead
Against such acts.
Thus they
Contend within,
And my mind
Prevails at last.
But refusing
Defeat to accept,
My soul declares
Its time shall come.
To prepare
The mind for that hour,
It sets forth
Many a practice.
Yet the mind,
In its own game,
Finds victory
Eludes its grasp.
The mind, too,
Ponders oft
Upon the peace
Longed for by the soul.
Yet by its pride,
It hesitates,
Though knowing
Truth and right.
The soul,
In patience waits,
Assured its time
Shall come in due course.
Thinking if the mind
But taste that peace,
It would then repent,
Seeking God’s grace.
Unaware when
God grants this,
Mind and soul
Shall part ways.
Mathigiri, 12-4-2020, 11:00 p.m.
See: Seeking Atma Shanti
BT Song 1189 I Will Wait [simple English]
I do not know
What ‘inner peace’ is.
Until this day,
I have not received it.
Living a life
In silence,
That peace
Never arrives.
Until now,
I have not learned
The art of
Controlling my mind.
It cannot be achieved
By cutting off
Contact with others,
Living a secluded life.
No matter
How deeply I ponder,
That inner peace
Remains elusive to me.
Furthermore,
Despite my efforts,
I fail to
Understand my mind.
In this state,
I am at a loss.
I do not know
What to do next.
Therefore,
I am uncertain
If I will ever attain
The peace my soul yearns for.
Thus,
I come to a conclusion,
Oh my Lord,
I turn to you at last.
Until you
Teach me about it,
In your own time,
In your own way,
Living this life
That you have given me,
I will patiently
Wait for your guidance.
Mathigiri, 13-4-2020, 11:00 p.m.
BT Song 1189 I Will Await [English style]
I know not
What ‘inner peace’ means.
Until this day,
It eludes my grasp.
Living in quiet
Without words,
Yet that peace
Does not descend.
Thus far,
I have not mastered
The art of
Mind control.
It cannot be won
By withdrawing
From others,
In solitude sought.
No matter
How deep I delve,
That peace
Escapes my reach.
Moreover,
Despite my striving,
Understanding
My mind evades.
Thus, in this state,
I am adrift.
I know not
What course to take.
Therefore, uncertain,
Will I ever attain
The peace
My soul craves?
Thus, I conclude,
Oh Lord,
I turn to you,
Seeking your light.
Until you
Teach me,
In your time,
In your way,
Living this life
You have given,
I patiently
Await your call.
Mathigiri, 13-4-2020, 11:00 p.m.
BT Song 1190: Bearing Our Cross in the Midst of Pandemic
Introduction:
During this ongoing Corona pandemic, each country carries its own burden. Despite our routine life being relatively unaffected, my mother and I have faced our own challenges. On April 4th, she fell and injured her hip, leading to days of sleepless struggle. Following her recovery, she has been suffering from severe constipation for the past five days, which intensified over the last two days, requiring my assistance to and from the toilet due to her weakened state.
Personal Struggles:
Her efforts were in vain despite repeated attempts, leaving her fatigued and increasing her back pain. The strain of lifting her has caused severe back pain for me as well. My sister, unable to help due to lockdown restrictions, expressed deep regret. When a school friend called to inquire, I shared our current crisis, acknowledging that it is a burden given by God that I must bear.
Reflection and Resolution:
After our conversation, while reflecting during my readings and meditation, I recalled my words to him. This reflection prompted me to compose this song, capturing my thoughts and emotions during this challenging time. Despite these difficulties, the morning of the 18th brought relief as my mother finally found relief, allowing both of us to rest in the afternoon.
Conclusion:
In the midst of personal and global challenges, this song reflects my journey of faith and resilience, trusting in God’s grace and finding strength to carry on.
BT Song 1190 I Have to Carry [simple English]
Why did you entrust me
With this responsibility?
What do you expect
After placing it upon me?
With my maturity still lacking,
Did you assign this
To help me grow,
To learn its lesson?
With little patience in me,
Did you burden me
With a task unavoidable,
Daily teaching through it?
Before I protest,
You provide me
With ample means,
To manage and learn.
Through these experiences,
You promise maturity,
Assuring me
Nothing will be too heavy.
After these days together,
I understand you better,
Somehow, you
Will fulfill your plan for me.
Knowing no master
Like you exists,
Arguing needlessly
Proves futile.
Hence, whatever your will,
With no escape in sight,
I refrain from
Unnecessary questioning.
I will bear
The burden
you’ve given me.
Mathigiri, 17-4-2020, 11:00 p.m.
BT Song 1190 I Must Bear [English style]
Why did you entrust me
With this solemn duty?
What is your expectation
After placing it on my shoulders?
With my maturity still growing,
Did you assign this
To foster growth,
To learn its profound lessons?
With little patience in me,
Did you burden me
With an unavoidable task,
Daily teaching through its weight?
Before I could protest,
You provided means
Abundantly,
To manage and understand.
Through these experiences gained,
You promise maturity,
Ensuring me
No burden will overwhelm.
After these shared days,
I grasp you better,
Somehow, you
Will see your plans fulfilled.
Knowing no master
Like you exists,
Arguing aimlessly
Proves vain.
Thus, whatever your will,
With no escape in sight,
I refrain from
Needless questioning.
I shall bear
The burden
you’ve bestowed.
Mathigiri, 17-4-2020, 11:00 p.m.
BT Song 1186: தாண்ட முடியா உயரம்
கிருபையை சார்ந்து
வாழ்ந்திடும் போது
தகுதிக்கு இங்கு
இடமும் ஏது 1
கருணையை எண்ணி
வாழ்ந்திடும் போது
சோர்வுக்கு இங்கு
இடமும் ஏது 2
நீ வைத்த உயரம்
தாண்ட எண்ணி
எப்படி முயன்று
தாவிய போதும் 3
நூலிழையில் நான்
தோல்வி அடைந்து
உயரத்தை நோக்கித்
தொடர்ந்த போது 4
தேவையான படி
ஆயத்தம் செய்து
தாண்டிக் குதித்து
வென்றிட வைத்து 5
மீண்டும் கோலை
உயர்த்தி வைத்து
மீண்டும் அதனைத்
தாண்டிடச் சொல்வாய் 6
எத்தனை முறை
வென்ற போதும்
உனது கோலும்
உயரும் போது 7
இறுதி வரையில்
உனது உயரம்
என்றும் என்னை
மலைக்க வைக்கும் 8
கிருபை அதனைத்
கொண்டு தாண்டி
எனது எல்லையை
உணர வைத்து 9
எனது தகுதி
அதனை நீக்கி
உன்னில் என்னை
வாழ வைப்பாய் 10
மத்திகிரி, 6-4-2020, இரவு, 10.45
BT Song 1187: உன்னில் வாழணும்
இறுதி வரை நிலைத்து நின்று
இதுபோல் உன்னில் வாழ வேண்டும்
இடையில் தோன்றும் கலக்கம் யாவும்
பனியைப் போல நீங்க வேண்டும் 1
உறுதி கொண்டு மனதில் என்றும்
உன்னை எண்ணி வாழ வேண்டும்
உலக வாழ்வில் வந்து சேரும்
கவலை யாவும் போக்க வேண்டும் 2
உன்னைத் துதித்து வாழும் வாழ்வை
எனக்கு நீயும் தந்த பின்னே
இந்தப் பேற்றை எண்ணி எண்ணி
என்றும் உன்னைப் போற்ற வேண்டும் 3
உனது வேதம் கூறும் வழியில்
எனது மனதும் செல்ல வேண்டும்
அதற்கு நீயும் அருகில் இருந்து
அதனைக் கற்றுத் தரவும் வேண்டும் 4
ஊரும் உலகும் ஒடுங்கி அடங்கி
இயக்கம் அனைத்தும் நின்ற போதும்
ஒடுங்க மறுத்து இயங்கும் உள்ளம்
உன்னில் ஒடுங்கி அடங்க வேண்டும் 5
திசையை இழந்து திகைத்து நின்று
உலகம் முழுதும் தவிக்கும் போது
“என்பின் வா” என்று சொல்லி
வழியைக் காட்டி நடத்த வேண்டும் 6
அழியும் மேனி அழியும் காலம்
எவ்விதத்தில் வந்த போதும்
அழிவு இல்லா ஆன்மா மட்டும்
உன்னை அடைந்து நிலைக்க வேண்டும் 7
மத்திகிரி, 11-4-2020, இரவு, 11.45
BT Song 1188: ஆறு மனமே
ஏதேனும் சொல்ல
எதையேனும் எழுத
என்மனம் எப்போதும்
என்னையும் தூண்டுது 1
ஆயினும் அதையே
செய்யாதே என்று
ஆன்மா என்னிடம்
அனுதினம் கெஞ்சுது 2
இதுபோல பலமுறை
இரண்டும் போராட
இறுதியில் சிந்தையே
பலமுறை வென்றது 3
ஆயினும் தோல்வியை
ஏற்காத ஆன்மா
அதற்கொரு காலம்
வருமென சொல்லுது 4
அதற்கான பயிற்சி
செய்ய வேண்டி
சிந்தையை அதுவும்
ஆயத்தம் செய்யுது 5
என்னதான் சிந்தை
எப்படி ஆடினும்
இறுதி வெற்றி
அதற்கில்லை புரியுது 6
ஆன்மா நாடிடும்
அமைதியின் மேன்மையை
சிந்தையும் பலமுறை
சிந்தனை செய்யுது 7
ஆயினும் தான்என்னும்
ஆணவம் கொண்டதால்
சரியெனத் தெரிந்தும்
செயல்பட மறுக்குது 8
அதற்கான தருணம்
வரட்டும் என்று
ஆன்மா தன்வரை
பொறுமை காக்குது 9
அந்த அமைதியை
ஒருமுறை உணர்ந்தால்
சிந்தையும் திருந்தும்
என்றே எண்ணுது 10
அதற்கான கிருபை
இறைவனும் அளிக்க
அனுதினம் அவனடி
இறைஞ்சிப் பணியுது 11
இறைவனும் எப்போ
இரங்குவான் என்பது
தெரியாமல் இரண்டும்
தன்வழி போகுது 12
மத்திகிரி, 12-4-2020, இரவு, 11.00
BT Song 1189: காத்திருப்பேன்
ஆன்மீக அமைதி
எதுவெனப் புரியலை
அதை நான் இதுவரை
அடையவும் இல்லை 1
வாய்மூடி பேசாமல்
இருப்பதினாலே
அந்த அமைதி
வருவதும் இல்லை 2
சிந்திக்க மறுத்து
சித்தத்தை ஒடுக்கும்
வித்தையை நானும்
கற்கவும் இல்லை 3
பிறரோடு உள்ள
தொடர்பினை அறுத்து
தனித்து இருப்பதால்
கிடைப்பதும் இல்லை 4
ஆர அமர்ந்து
ஆழமாய் யோசித்தும்
ஆன்மா இன்னும்
வசப்பட வில்லை 5
அத்துடன் சிந்தையை
புரிந்து கொள்ள
எத்தனை முயன்றும்
முடியவும் இல்லை 6
இதுபோல் இதுவரை
என் நிலை இருக்க
என்னதான் செய்வது
புரியவும் இல்லை 7
ஆகவே ஆன்மா
நாடிடும் அமைதியை
அடைவேனா எனத்
தெரியவும் இல்லை 8
அதனால் ஒரு
முடிவுக்கு வந்தேன்
ஐயனே உன்னிடம்
இறுதியில் வந்தேன் 9
எங்கே எப்போ
எவ்வித மேனும்
எடுத்து ஒருநாள்
சொல்லிடும் வரையில் 10
நீ தந்த வாழ்வை
முன்போல் வாழ்ந்து
உனது பதிலுக்கு
காத்து நிற்பேன் 11
மத்திகிரி, 13-4-2020, இரவு, 11.00
BT Song 1190: சுமக்கத்தான் வேண்டும்
எதை எண்ணித் தந்தாய் இந்தப் பொறுப்பை
எதை எதிர்ப்பார்க்கின்றாய் தந்தபின் அதனை
பக்குவம் இன்னும் தேவை என்பதினாலே
அதைப் பெறத் தந்தாயோ நீயும் இதனை 1
பொறுமை அற்றவன் என்பதினாலே
புறம்தள்ள முடியா பொறுப்பைத் தந்தாயோ
அதன் மூலம் அவசியம் கற்றுக் கொள்ள வேண்டி
அனுதினம் பாரத்தை இன்னும் வைத்தாயோ 2
முடியாது என்று சொல்ல முடியாது
முன்பாகப் பலவற்றை ஆயத்தம் செய்தாயே
முடிந்ததை முதலிலே செய்திடு என்று
எளிதாக என்னைக் கற்றிடச் சொன்னாயே 3
கற்றதின் மூலம் பெற்றிடும் அனுபவம்
பக்குவம் தன்னைத் தந்திடும் என்றாயே
பக்குவம் வந்தபின் எவ்விதப் பாரமும்
பளுவாய்த் தெரியாது என்றே சிரித்தாயே 4
இத்தனை நாட்கள் பழகிய பின்னே
உன்னை நானும் நன்கு அறிவேனே
எனக்கென நீ கொண்ட உனது சித்தத்தை
எவ்விதமேனும் நிறைவேற்றிக் கொள்வாயே 5
உன்போன்ற கண்காணி உலகினில் இல்லை
என்பதும் எனக்கு நன்கு தெரிந்தும்
வேண்டாத வாதங்கள் எத்தனை செய்தாலும்
எவ்விதப் பயனும் இல்லை அறிவேனே 6
ஆகவே உன் எண்ணம் எதுவான போதும்
அதை மீற வழியில்லை என்பதை உணர்ந்து
வீணாக இதுபோன்ற கேள்விகள் கேட்காது
நீ தந்த பாரம் அனுதினம் சுமப்பேனே 7
மத்திகிரி, 17-4-2020, இரவு, 11.00
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