BT Song 231. மொளனமாய் உறவாட
மொழியின்றி உரையாட
மொளனமாய் உறவாட
உள்ளாக உன்னோடு
ஒன்றாகி மகிழ்ந்திட
மென்மையாய் நீ தொடும்
உணர்விலே கரைந்தோட
மென்மேலும் பணிவேன்
உன்னையே நாட
என்னமாய் ஏங்கினேன்
இந்த அமைதிக்கு
ஏனோ இழந்தேன்
சூழ்நிலைக் கிரங்கி
ஆயினும் வந்தேன்
மீண்டும் அடைய
அடியனுக் கருள்வாய்
அதையும் நல்கிட
புறம்பான அமைதி
எங்குமே கிடையாது
புலன்களை வெல்ல
வழியும் தெரியாது
உள்ளான அமைதிக்கு
தடையேதும் கிடையாது
அது உன்னிடமின்றி
வேறெங்கும் கிடையாது
அந்நிலையடைய
பயிற்சி வேண்டும்
அன்றாடம் நானதை
பயின்றிட வேண்டும்
என்றோ ஒரு முறை
எத்தனம் செய்வதால்
எந்தவிதமான
பயனும் கிடைக்காது
என்நிலை அறிந்தவர்
பலரும் உள்ளார்
எனக்கு உதவ
அவரும் முயல்வார்
ஆயினும் என் மன
ஓட்டமே அறிந்து
என்னுடன் ஓட
எவருமே வாரார்
தமியன் மீண்டும்
தனியே வந்தேனே
தருவாய் மீண்டும்
என்று நின்றேனே
என் நிலை யறிந்து
என்னிடம் வந்தாய்
மௌனமாய் அந்த
உறவு கொண்டாய்
என்ன ஆனந்தம்
என்ன பரவசம்
எப்படி உரைப்பேன்
நீ செய்த அதிசயம்
மொழியும் இல்லை
அதை நான் கூற
மெளனமே யன்றி
வேறில்லை உணர்த்த
30-04-2014. 5.30 காலை, குருகுலம்
BT Song 231 to communicate in silence
To talk without words
To have fellowship in silence
To mingle with you
Within me joyfully
When you touch me gently
To melt in that experience
I will bow more and more
Seeking you!
How much I longed
For this silence
Somehow I lost it
Because of my situation
Yet I come again
To regain it
Bestow to this your servant
To give it back
There is no peace
Outside me
I don’t know the means
To overcome my senses
There is no hurdle for
Inner peace
It is not available anywhere
Other than with you
I need practice
To reach that stage
Every day I need to
Practice that
Trying that
Once in a while
I cannot get
Any kind of benefit
Many are there
Knowing my situation
They too will come forward
To help me
Yet knowing my
Nature of mind
None will come
To run along with me!
This lonely person
Come again alone
I stood before you asking
To give it again
Knowing my situation
You come to me again
To have that
Fellowship in silence
What kind of joy
What kind of bliss
Who can I tell?
The miracle that you have performed
I don’t have language
To tell about it
Apart from silence
There is nothing to explain it.
30-4-14, Gurukulam, 5.30.a. m.
After writing the previous song (213) I sat quietly seeking the fellowship with the Lord for nearly an hour. But the bliss or joy that I had, reminded me only for a few seconds. But the after effect continued and I didn’t want to do anything, but sat silently thinking more about the Lord. Then I wrote this song. Others can understand and sympathize with our situation in which we struggle, but beyond some limit they cannot do much. But irrespective of our situation God is ready to step in our lives and keep His fellowship with us. None can explain it through any kind of words or expression other than to keep quiet, knowing all kinds of limitations.
26-08-2014. Gurukulam.
BT Song 232. மீட்பாய் அறிந்தேன்
நன்மை ஒன்றும் என்னிடமில்லை
நான் செய்ய இனி ஏதுமே இல்லை
நீயன்றி எனைக்காக்க ஒருவருமில்லை
நீ என்னைப் புறப்பதும் நியாயமே இல்லை
செய்வது அறியாது நானும் திகைத்தேன்
சூழ்நிலையால் தோற்று உள்ளம் பதைத்தேன்
அதனால் உன்னிடம் வந்திட வெறுத்தேன்
ஐயனே என்னை நானே ஒறுத்தேன்
கண்டும் காணாமல் நீயும் இருப்பாயோ
கலங்கிடும் என்னைத் தனித்து விடுவாயோ
தேடியே வந்தேன் என்றுமே சொன்னாயே
தொலைந்த எனைமட்டும் ஏனோ மறந்தாயே
நீ போன வழியில் தான் நானும் இருந்தேன்
நித்தமும் அருளை எதிர்பார்த்து மிருந்தேன்
கூவி அழைத்திட குரலும் எடுத்தேன்
கொஞ்சம் தயங்கி அழைக்க மறுத்தேன்
தயங்கினால் என்ன என் நிலை புரியாதோ
தயவுடன் சற்று திரும்பிட இயலாதோ
அதைவிட உனக்கு வேறென்ன அவசரம்
ஆயிரம் சொன்னாலும் நீ செய்தது மோசம்
எண்ணிக்கை யற்றவர் உன் பின் வந்தாலும்
ஒன்று குறைந்திட உன் உள்ளம் பதைக்குமே
அதை உணர்ந்ததால் ஆறுதல் அடைந்தேன்
அடியேனைத் தேடியே மீட்பாய் அறிந்தேன்
உன்னையே மறுக்க உனக்கும் இயலாது
என்னையே மறக்க உனக்கும் ஆகாது
ஒன்று தொலைந்தாலும் உன் மனம் தாங்காது
அதை அறிந்த என் மனம் கலங்காது
30-04-2014, குருகுலம், 1.30, மாலை.
BT Song 232. I know you reach out me
Nothing good is within me
I have nothing to do (for it) any more
There is none to save me other than you
And the way you reject is not justifiable
I was troubled not knowing what to do further
Defeated by circumstances I was disturbed in my heart
Therefore I hate to come unto you
Oh Lord, I began to hate myself.
Will you remain indifferent not noticing me?
Will you let me remain alone with a troubled heart?
You said ‘I came searching after you’.
But somehow you forgot that I am now lost!
I too was sitting on the same way in which you went
I was waiting for the graced each day
I tried to call you by raising my voice
But I refused to call you with some hesitation
What if I hesitate; cannot you understand my situation
Can you turn back with some mercy?
What other urgent work that you have more than this
Whatever you may say, you have done wrong.
Though so many bhaktas follow you
Even if one is missing you will be disturbed in your heart
Knowing that I am comforted
You will search and redeem this slave, I know that.
You cannot deny yourself
It is not possible for you to forget me
Even if one is lost you cannot bear it
Knowing that I won’t have trouble in my heart!
30-4-14, 1.30 pm. Gurukulam.
I like this song very much and still I cannot understand how I manage to write it? That afternoon, sitting alone I was thinking about my new situation as I shifted to Mathirigi. I was very upset with the Lord more than others. I thought that I was defeated by myself and hesitated to call upon the Lord. Then I remembered the blind man who was sitting on the path and called the Lord. Then I began to write this song accusing the Lord for not turning back to see me even though I hesitate to call upon Him. I said that other than taking care of me what kind of urgent work He could have. But I took comfort that until He found the one lost sheep He is not going to remain happy with the remaining 99 sheep.
27-08-2014. Gurukulam.
BT Song 233. தனி வழி கிடையாது
உன்னோடு உறவாட உள்ளம் மகிழுதே
உலகையே மறந்திட என்னையும் சொல்லுதே
வெளியான போராட்டம் குறைவாக இல்லையே
ஓயாத அலை போல மீண்டும் மீண்டும் மோதுதே
மரூப மலை மீது உன்னுடன் இருந்து
மனம்விட்டுப் பேசி பலகாலம் மகிழ்ந்து
உலகையே துறந்து உன்னுடன் இருக்க
பேராசை கொண்டேன் மனதிலே நினைந்து
இதிலென்ன தவறுண்டு இனியென்ன தடையுண்டு
உலகிலே போராட பலரும் அங்குண்டு
அவருடன் நான் சேர்ந்து போராட வேண்டுமோ
அது எனக் கழைப்பல்ல சொல்லிட வேண்டுமோ
துறவியின் வேடம் பூண்டு வாழ்கிறேன்
துறவை ’அறமாகக்’ கொண்டு முயல்கின்றேன்
ஆனால் முழுமையாய் அடையாத போதும்
அதை என் இலக்காகக் கொண்டு ஓடுறேன்
துறந்தவன் தானே நீ இதை அறியாயோ
துறவின் உயர்வும் உனக்கும் புரியாதோ
ஆனால் ஏனோ இதை ஏற்க மறுத்தாய்
உறவைத் துறந்திட அனுமதி மறுத்தாய்
உன் இந்த சித்தாந்தம் வேடிக்கையானது
உலகில் எவருக்கும் இது என்றும் புரியாது
உரிமை ’துற’ என்பாய் உறவில் மகிழ்வென்பாய்
உன்னைப்போல் என்னையும் வாழச் சொல்கின்றாய்
வேறு வழியும் எனக்கும் கிடையாது
வேண்டாம் என்றாலும் விடுதலை கிடைக்காது
ஆண்டான் நீயே அதுபோல நடந்திட
அடிமைக்கு மட்டும் தனி வழி கிடையாது
சரி வா போவோம் இருவரும் சேர்ந்து
சரி யெனப்படுவதை செய்வோம் இணைந்து
எனக் கென்ன பாரம் நீ உடன் வரும்போது
இதில் என் பங்கு என்ன அதை மட்டும் கூறு
30-04-2014, 8.30, மாலை., குருகுலம்
BT Song 233. I DON’T HAVE MY ‘WAY’
I feel very happy to have fellowship with you
That tells me to forget the world
Outward struggles never diminish
They come again and again like the waves
I longed in my heart with great desire.
To dwell with you in the mount of transformation
And to forget the world and to be with you
To remain talking happily with you for a long time
What is wrong in it and which one will stop it?
Plenty are there in the world to struggle
Should I too join them to struggle there?
It is not my ‘call’; have I to tell it to you?
I accepted the attire of a sannyasi
I tried to live keeping ‘sannyasa’ as my dharma
Though I never reached (my dharma) completely
Yet I press forward keeping it as my goal
Don’t you know as you too have ‘renounced’
Don’t you know the nobleness of renunciation?
But you refused to accept this
And never permit me to renounce the relationships
This doctrine of yours is very funny one
None in the world can understand it.
You will ask to renounce the ‘right’ but ‘rejoice’ in relationship
You ask me to live like you
There is no other choice left with me
Even if I refuse, there is no deliverance from it
When you as my Master have walked in that path
As a slave I don’t have a separate way
Ok, let us go (to the world) together
And do jointly what we feel is correct
Where is the burden for me when you will come with me?
But what is my share in it, tell it clearly.
30-4-14, 8.30 pm Gurukulam
Again that evening I was a bit unhappy to think that I have to go back to Mathigiri. Madhu onetime said that first I refused to move to the ashram when it was about to be completed. Then when I moved there on August 4th 2007, I lived several months not going outside the ashram gate. One time I stayed with my mother for more than six months without seeing the outside world. Few times we both lived like that, me not even going outside the gates for several months. (But this is not the first time. When I lived in a few other places I did the same, not going out much and not even meeting people for two or three weeks, provided I have my provisions to cook and take care of my needs). That time Madhu said ‘first Swamiji does not want to come here, now he does not want to go out’.
As I can live in solitude without requiring much human company, the sudden shift to a busy city disturbed me a lot. Then I began to argue with the Lord that my longing to be alone here is not wrong considering my life as a sannyasi and I have every right to have it. Then I chide the Lord that as He too knows about renunciation He can understand my right better than others. But the way He gives importance to relationships will never permit me to run away from responsibility. In that context I wrote this song. Those who only read this commentary will miss my thoughts which I give in my translation.
One more point. My comments never reflect my thoughts in my song. I know many cannot follow my translation. But that is all I can do with my Tanglsih (Tamil-English). And if you ignore the translation—however poor the English might be, you won’t catch the entire context of the song only by reading the comments. So unless one reads the translation my comment won’t reflect my thoughts here.
29-08-2014. Gurukulam.
BT Song 234
234. உளமாற பாடுவேன்
தடுத்தாட் கொண்டாயே
தமியனை வென்றாயே
தலை தாழ்த்தி உனைப்போற்ற
தினம் பாடல் தந்தாயே
எனைத்தேடி வந்தாயே
இரக்கத்தால் மீட்டாயே
உனைப்போற்றி பாடவே
உணர்வினைத் தந்தாயே
தனித்து வாழ்ந்தாலும்
தனியாக விடவில்லை
தினம் நீ உடன்வர
ஒன்றிலும் குறைவில்லை
வாழ்ந்திடும் வாழ்வும்
வீணாய் கழியாமல்
உன் பணி செய்திடும்
உயர்வை நீ தந்தாயே
ஒருநாள் போவதும்
உன்னருளாலே
தினம் தினம் வாழ்வதும்
உன் நிறைவாலே
இந் நாளும் போகட்டும்
அது போல் நிறைவாக
உளமாற பாடுவேன்
உன்னில் மகிழ்வாக
1-5-2014, 9.30 காலை
BT Song 234. I will song with whole heart
You interfered and redeemed me
You won this lonely one
To praise you by bowing my head
You give new song everyday
You came searching after me
Because of your mercy you redeemed me
To sing praising you
You gave me understanding
Though I came alone
You never left me to live lonely
As you come with me each day
I lack nothing in life
Not to waste
Even this life which I live
You gave the high call
To do your seva
Each day goes
Only because of your grace
Living each day too
Is only by your fullness
Let this day also go
Like that with fullness
I will sing with whole heart
Living happily in you.
1-5-14 9.30. am.
That morning I got up very early, as I didn’t want to miss the quietness. Then I went for the early morning walk and enjoyed it. Then the depression that overcame me the previous night disappeared and thanked God for giving me even one evening to stay and enjoy my time in solitude with Him. While still walking, I wrote this song in my mind. Then when I was about to leave the ashram, I quickly wrote it down at the back side of the book which I was reading. (most of my songs were written in the empty space at the back and front sides of the book which I was reading that day.)
29-08-2014. Gurukulam.
BT Song 235 அமைதி தேடி வந்தேன்
இந்த அமைதி தான் தேடி வந்தேன்
உன்னிடம் அதையே நாடி வந்தேன்
உலகின் ஓலங்கள் ஓயாது தாக்க
உன்னிடம் வந்தேன் அதனிடை காக்க
ஒரு நொடி நேரம் ஓய்ந்திருந்தாரா
உள்ளான அமைதி நாடுகின்றாரா?
ஏன் இந்த ஓட்டம், ஏன் இந்த அவசரம்
எதனை அடைய இத்தனை ஆத்திரம்
பொருளாலே மனதில் அமைதி இல்லை
போகதிலும் முழு நிறைவென்பதில்லை
பெலத்தால் சாதிக்க முடியவும் இல்லை
பணத்தால் அனைத்தும் பெறவும் இல்லை
ஆயினும் தோல்வியை ஏற்கவும் இல்லை
ஆத்திரம் அவசரம் குறையவும் இல்லை
ஒருவர் துறத்த மற்றவர் ஓட
எவருமே போட்டியில் வெல்லவும் இல்லை
நானும் அதுபோல் ஓடிப் பார்த்தேன்
நாளும் அதுபோல் போராடி பார்த்தேன்
நடுவில் ஏனோ விழித்துக் கொண்டேன்
நன்மை தீமை அறிந்து கொண்டேன்
அதனால் மீண்டும் உன்னிடம் வந்தேன்
அமைதி மட்டுமே நாடி வந்தேன்
நீ தர நான் பெற தடையினி இல்லை
நீதரும் அமைதிக்கு ஈடிணை இல்லை.
23-5-14, மாலை, 6.45 குருகுலம்
BT Song 235. I came seeking Silence
I sought only this silence
I sought this alone from you
As noise of the world constantly attack (me)
I came unto you to protect me from that
Did they remain quiet even for a minute?
Are they seeking inner silence?
Why this much running and why this much hurry?
Why this passion and to attain what?
There is no peace through material things
There is no full satisfaction through pleasure
Nothing can be achieved through physical strength
All cannot be procured through money
Yet they didn’t accept their defeat
Their passion and hurry never come down
One was chasing and another was running
None has won in that race
I too ran like that
I also struggle everyday like that
But I was awakened in the middle
Realized the difference between good and bad
Therefore I came unto you again
Seeking only the silence
Nothing can stop for you to give and for me to receive
Nothing is equal to it in comparison
23-5-14, 6.45 pm
As one couple wanted to meet me, Chakravarthy arranged a visit to the Gurukulam on 23rd. So I prepared our lunch and was waiting for them to pick me from Mathigiri. But I received the disturbing news that the couple was not feeling well. So our visit to Gurukulam might be cancelled and they will visit me at Mathigiri and return back to Bengaluru. With a bit of disappointment I was waiting for them. Because I was longing to have some excuse to go to Gurukulam to escape from the noise pollution here. From my side I am not sure whether I can stay that evening at Gurukulam, as my mother is not feeling well and she was limping a bit because of severe pain on her leg. Anyhow my neighbour assured that she will take care of Patti and permitted to stay at the ashram. But this news from Chakravarthy shattered my hope.
When they reached Mathigiri, the couple was feeling slightly better and wanted to go to see the ashram, even if it meant spending very few hours there. So we reached the ashram and had some fellowship over talk and prayer. I encouraged them to change their mind and spend one evening at the Ashram as it will revive both their health and spirit. As they have to visit so many other relatives they returned back. When they left around 1.45 I slept up to 4.00 pm (after a gap of one month—some sound sleep). So I sent the helper quickly back in the evening as I wanted to spend my time ‘ALONE’ with the Lord without anyone around me.
Though I would have enjoyed the fellowship with the couple (and their son) along with Chakravarthy if they stayed back, yet I was happy that I was alone there. Then from 5.30 to 12.00 midnight I sat silently with a 15 minutes break for dinner—not reading, not watching TV (news), or even switching off the light. What a wonderful experience I had that evening. For others it may look odd to keep quiet and do nothing for more than six hours alone in a dark place, surrounded by nature. But that is the best life I always enjoyed.
I know it is a bit difficult to sit for long hours without doing anything but keep this kind of silence. That sadhana deserves extra credit. There is a story about it that I already shared in another song.
So when I sat in the living room to immerse myself in the silence around me, the first disturbance came from the opposite village. They began to play some songs in the local temple. Then I said, ‘what a tragedy. I cannot escape from this noise even here.’ So a bit irritated I sat expecting the music to go away. Then the power went off and the music also stopped. I was so happy about the power cut. Though it came back after fifteen minutes, thank God, they didn’t continue the music. Then I said in Tamil, ‘I sought only this silence’. Immediately I got inspiration and took a rough paper and wrote this song within 7 minutes
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