BT Song 241 241 பேச வேண்டுமோ
என்னவோ சொல்ல உன்னிடம் வந்தேன்
ஏதும் சொல்லாமல் திகைத்து நின்றேன்
எதைத்தான் சொல்வது என்று நான் எண்ணினேன்
எல்லாம் நீ அறிந்ததால் மெளனமாய் ஆனேன்
சொல்லவோ என்னிடம் ஆயிரம் உண்டு
சொல்லிடும் நிலையிலோ நானில்லை இங்கு
கூறத்தான் வேண்டுமோ உனக்கிதை இன்று
கூறாமல் செய்வதே உனக்கு நன்று
பேசவே தெரியாத பேதையாய் ஆனேன்
பேசிப் பேசியே மூடனாய் ஆனேன்
பேசாமல் இருக்கவே உன்னிடம் வந்தேன்
பேசாமல் இருப்பதே நன்றென்று கண்டேன்
நான் பேச நினைத்ததை நீ அறிந்து கொண்டாய்
நீ பேசாமல் சொன்னதை நான் உணர்ந்து கொண்டேன்
நான் பேச நீ கேட்க சொல்லினி வேண்டுமோ?
நீ பேசி நான் கேட்க மொழி ஏதும் வேண்டுமோ
மெளனமாய் நாம் இனி உரையாடலாமே
சொல் மொழி கடந்து உறவாடலாமே
இந்த நிலைக்கு பெயரேதும் இல்லை
இதை பிறர் அறிய வழியேதும் இல்லை
24-06-2014, மத்திகிரி, காலை 11.30
BT Song 241 Is it necessary to talk/speak?
I came to you to tell something
But unable to tell anything I stood bewildered
I thought: What should I tell
As you know everything, I become silent
I have thousands of things to tell to you
But I am not in a position to tell them all
Is it necessary for me to tell this to you?
It is better for you to do without told by me
I become an ignorant not knowing how to talk
I become a fool by talking too much
I came to you not to talk
I understood that it is better keep quiet
You understood what I want to talk
I too understood what you told without speaking to me
Is it necessary for you to talk and for me to listen?
Do I need any language/word for you to talk and for me to listen to?
We can talk in silence
We can have fellowship beyond words and language
There is no name for this anubhava (experience)
There is no chance for others to understand this.
24-06-2014, Mathigiri, 11.30 a.m.
The initial setback for me to resettle and readjust to the new situation at Mathigiri with lots of noise pollution took a toll on me. Several days went by not even being able to pray or keep quiet with the Lord. Then this morning when I sat calmly thinking about this situation I wrote this song. For me silence and prayers without words is the best sadhana.
27-08-2014, Mathigiri
ஒரு காலத்தில் மிகவும் முக்தேசனை நேசித்து பல சேவை செய்த ஒருவர் 24-7-14 அன்று, முக்தேசனை மறுத்த நிலையில் ’இறைவன் இருக்கிறானா’? என்று கேட்டபோது, அன்று மாலை அதைக்குறித்து எழுதிய பாடல்
BT Song 242 என்ன செய்யலாம்
அறியாதோருக்கு அறிவித்து விடலாம்
தெரியாதோர்க்கு தெரிவித்து விடலாம்
புரியாதோருக்கு புரிந்திட வைக்கலாம்
மறுப்போருக்கு நாம் என்ன கூறலாம்?
அவரவர் இயல்புக்கு ஏற்ற வகையில்
இறைவன் கூறினான் தனியல்பை
மறுப்பதே இயல்பாய் கொண்டோருக்கு
தன்னையே மறைத்தான் அவர் தடுமாற
குருடன் குருடனுக்கு வழி கூறுவதுபோல்
தன் நிலை அறியாமல் தடுமாறு வோரின்
சொல்லை மறுத்து புறக்காதோரும்
அவரின் நிலையே அடைவர் நிச்சயம்
24-7-2014, மத்திகிரி, மாலை, 7,00
BT Song 242 What can we do?
For those who never heard we can proclaim
For those who do not know we can tell
For those who do not understand we can communicate
But for those who deny what we can do?
According to the nature of each individual
God also revealed Himself to them
But for those who have ‘denial’ as their nature
He hides for them to stumble
As the blind leads the blind
Those who stumble not knowing their situation
And others who follow them not refuting their words
Will attain that destiny
24-7-2014, 7.00. P.m. Mathigiri.
When I met one person who once was a follower of the Lord but now denying Him asked the question to me, ‘is there any God’, I simply said, ‘I don’t know’. Because he is like the person who pretends to sleep and it is very difficult to wake him up. As the Gita (3:33) rightly says, ‘each one is living according to their nature; even wise people also follow their own nature. Therefore what is the use of stopping their nature’? As the Mukti Veda says, we too should not become like the blind leading the blind. With such people, and if they are from Christian background, I don’t waste my time and energy to give any answer. They have prophets, they have Moses and even if someone dead comes and tells, they are not going to understand. And Jim Elliot rightly said, ‘their destiny is already written over the dust of their bible cover and in their bank balance book’.
Rationality is always a challenge for any thinking person. But as I often say, we never question the rationality of our reason and allow it to have the final say in several decisions, particularly when it comes to spirituality and any sadhana related to it. I find a subtle difference between ‘ego’ and ‘reason’. The egoistic who once made up her mind, even knows through her reason that a particular thing is correct, defeated by the ego they deny. Because in certain situations they can even give up their reason but never the ego.
30-8-2-2014
BT Song இன்று இரவு படுக்குமுன் இறைவனிடம் தகுதி உடையதால் வரவில்லை என்று எண்ணியபோது எழுதியது
BT Song 243 உன்பாடு
தகுதி உடையவனாக வரவில்லை
தன்னை அறியும் திறன் இல்லை
உறுதியாய் நிற்கவும் தெரியவில்லை
உன்னடி பற்றிடும் தகுதி இல்லை
எத்தனையோ முறை ஆராய்ந்து பார்த்தேன்
என்னை பலமுறை சோதித்துப் பார்த்தேன்
நிச்சயம் ஒன்று நன்கு புரிந்தது
அது நிலையில்லா புத்தி என்பது தெரிந்தது
தாமரை இலை மேல் நீர் போல் ஆனது
சஞ்சலம் ஒன்றே என் குணம் ஆனது
பற்றிடத் தெரியாமல் விட்டிட முடியாமல்
துடுப்பற்ற படகு போல் என் மனம் ஆனது
எப்படியோ இதுவரை நாட்களும் போனது
ஏதுமே புரியாமல் வாழ்க்கையும் போனது
யாரோ இழுத்தார் எவரோ தள்ளினார்
என்னவோ வண்டி இதுவரை சென்றது
எப்படி இனி போகும் என்பது தெரியாது
தள்ளுவார் இழுப்போர் யார் என்று தெரியாது
ஒன்று மட்டும் நிச்சயம் எனக்கு புரிந்தது
அது உன்பாடு இனி எனக்கென்ன என்பது
24-7-2014, மத்திகிரி, இரவு 11.30
BT Song 243 It is your problem
I never come unto you with any qualification
I don’t have the knowledge to know about me
I don’t know to stand firmly
I am not qualified to cling your feet
I analyzed several times
I tested myself several times
I knew one thing for sure
That I don’t have stable mind
It became like the water on the lotus leave
Chanchal (frustration) alone become my nature
Not knowing to hold and unable to give up
My heart becomes a boat without the oars
Somehow the days went so far
The life is also gone without understanding it properly
Someone pulled and someone pushed
Therefore the cart also moved so far
I don’t know how it will go any more
I don’t know who will push and who will pull
But I know one thing for sure
That is your problem and what I have to do with it.
24-7-14, 11.30 am. Mathigiri
Again some kind of pessimism engulfed my mind. Then I felt that so far my life was decided by others and I moved as they pushed or pulled. As I don’t have a stable mind, frustration becomes my only nature. But I told the Lord that it is His problem and not mine as He alone sent someone to push and someone to pull and I need not worry any more about it. I strongly believe that in a bhakta’s life nothing happens by chance or accident and God moves her life from cradle to grave as He knew her even before she was formed in her mother’s womb. What comfort is this more than trying to find out all kinds of answers through various other means.
Of course the same is called ‘fatalism’ in the Indian worldview. And we call it predestination. The subtle difference is that none can change fate as it is not under anybody’s control. At least in karma theory, one can still influence her future life by playing the card properly. Whereas when it comes to fate, no one can escape from its grip. At the same time the line that divides fate from karma is very subtle in several cases it changes that line according to one’s need and mood. Whereas predestination is decided by god which according to bhakti tradition is a prerogative of god. However we cannot explain it by our reason but move by faith. And the theological complication is well explained by Keener:
9:19-21. … Although Paul teaches ‘predestination,’ we must understand what he means by that term in the light of what it meant in his own day, not what it has meant in recent centuries’ theology (or, as in the case just mentioned, in distortions of that theology).
…Paul here discusses predestination only in the context of the salvation of Israel (9:1-13) and the Gentiles (9:23-29); thus he means only what both context and culture suggest: God can sovereignly choose to elect whom he wills, and that need not be on the basis of descent from Abraham. God’s sovereignty means that he is free to choose on another basis than his covenant with ethnic Israel (3:1-8); he can choose on the basis of (foreknown) faith in Christ (4:11-13; 8:29-30).— Craig S. Keener , Bible Background commentary, NEW TESTAMENT, Illinois, IVP, 1993, ROMANS, ROMANS, p.433
But going beyond reason and theology as a layman, what comforts me is that I need not resign to the unchanging ‘fate’ but trust God who moves my life according to his plan—which he is free to change.
30–8-2014, Mathigiri
BT Song 244. தீர்மானம் செய்பவர் யார்?
புத்தியினால் அறிந்திட முடியாது
யுக்தியால் புரிந்திட முடியாது
சக்தியினாலே அடைந்திட முடியாது
பக்தியினால் அன்றி பெற்றிட முடியாது
உறவினர் வந்து உதவிட முடியுமோ
உற்றவர் முயன்று பெற்றிட முடியுமோ
மற்றவர் எவரும் அளித்திட முடியுமோ
பக்தியால் அன்றி அடைந்திட முடியுமோ
உள்ளான அமைதி கிடைப்பது எங்கு
உண்மையில் போராட்டம் முடிவது என்று
மூக்கில் காற்று உள்ள வரையில்
முடிவான பதில் தருவது யாரு?
என்னமோ போகுது வாழ்க்கையும் கூட
எப்படியோ நகருது நாட்களும் கூட
என் விருப்பம் இதில் என்பது என்ன
அது இருந்தால் மட்டும் ஆவது என்ன
ஒன்றுமே புரியாது உன்னடி வந்தேன்
உலகமே புரியாது கலங்கி நின்றேன்
ஒன்று மட்டும் நிச்சயம் அறிந்தேன்
நீ ஒருவன் போதும் என்பதை உணர்ந்தேன்
நீ தரும் அமைதி போதும் எனக்கு
நீ மட்டும் உறவாய் ஆனாய் எனக்கு
இடையில் வருவது போவது யாரு
அதை நீயன்றி தீர்மானம் செய்பவர்யாரு?
29-07-2014. மத்திகிரி, இரவு 11.30
BT Song 244. Who to decide?
It cannot be attained by buddhi (intellect)
It cannot be understood through logic
It cannot be reached through efforts
Without bhakti it is impossible to receive
Can the relative come and help
Can the dear ones get it by effort (for us)?
Can any other people provide it?
Without bhakti can it be attainable?
Where is the inner peace available?
Finally when the struggle is going to end
As long as the breath is in the nose
Who can give the final answer?
Somehow life is going
Somehow the days are moving
Where is my desire in this?
Even if it is there, what is the use?
Without any understanding I come unto your feet
I was much troubled as I cannot understand the world
But one thing I know for sure
That you alone are enough for me
The peace that you bestow is enough for me
You alone become my relative
In-between who has to come and who has to leaven
And other than you, who is going to decide about it?
29-07-2014. 11.30. p.m.
When reconciliation happens among the relatives, that too within a family, we need to compromise on several issues and accept certain anxiety that comes along with it. As I faced one such incident in my mother’s life I wrote this song.
30-08-2014. Gurukulam.
BT Song 245 என்ன ஆவது
எங்கு போனாலும் என்ன ஆவது
எனக்கு எவர்தான் உதவி செய்வது
என் மனம் நாளும் சதிராட்டம் போடுது
இதனை வெல்ல என்னாலே முடியாது
பிறர் வந்து உதவலாம் முடிந்த வரையில்
பொருளாலே உடலாலே உள்ள வரையில்
இறுதி வரையில் எவராலே முடியும்
தன் எல்லை மீறி எவர்செய்ய முடியும்?
தெளிவான விடையும் தெரியவில்லை
தொடங்கிய படியே முடியவில்லை
பிறரை குறை கூற காரணம் இல்லை
புலம்பித் தவிப்பதால் பயனேதும் இல்லை
தீர்மானம் செய்வது என்னாலே முடியும்
அதன்படி செயலைத் தொடங்கவும் இயலும்
தொய்வின்றி காரியம் தொடர்ந்து நடக்க
தெய்வத்தின் அருளன்றி வேறெது உதவும்
அதை நான் அறிந்தேன் அனுதின வாழ்வில்
அவன் அன்றி ஏதும் அசையாது உலகில்
தொடங்கி வைத்தவன் முடித்தும் வைப்பான்
தெய்வமே இறுதியில் கரையும் சேர்ப்பான்
இனி எங்கே இருந்தால் எனக்கென்ன கவலை
எவரேனும் வருவார் நிச்சயம் உதவ
அவர் மூலம் இறைவனும் காரியம் நடத்த
அறிந்தேன் மனதையும் அவன் வழி செலுத்த
26-08-2014, குருகுலம், 4.00 மாலை
245 What is the use?
What is going to happen wherever I might go?
Who can come and help me
My mind is troubling me too much
And I cannot overcome it.
Others can come and help me as much as possible
Through their seva and material
But who can do till the end
Who can do it going beyond their limit?
No clear answer is visible
The work does not end as I began
There is no reason to blame others
There is no use by merely lamenting
I can make the decision
And accordingly I can even start the work
But without any disturbance to continue
Other than the grace of God which one could help?
I realized this in everyday life
Without Him nothing will move on this earth
The one who began will bring the end
God will finally help me to reach the shore
Then why should I worry wherever I live
Someone will come to help for sure
And God to accomplishes His work through them
I knew to lead my heart according to His plan.
26-08-2014, 4.00 p.m. Gurukulam.
I came to the ashram on 15th August with my mother for Madhu’s family function and for others’ visit. Since day one my mother told the worker and others that we will go back to Mathigiri on the very same day when the function ends (24th August). Knowing her nature I didn’t say much. But gradually I prepared her by saying that we cannot return on the very same day as I have to rearrange and clean, wash and keep things in the proper place. Then when Kannan arrived on 22nd, my mother again began to put pressure on me through him. Then on 25th I told my mother how much I suffered both in mind and body without proper sleep at Mathigiri. Then I told Kannan how two times I got numbness on my left leg due to sleeplessness. I also made it clear to my mother that as long as I keep good health I can serve her at my best. But if I become sick and lay down there is none to take care of her. This bit shocked her. Then on his part Kannan also talked about the numbness on my leg and he also said that I asked him not to tell this to her (I never share much of my ailments with her). So I was able to communicate that: I am ready to bend to serve her. But if my bending breaks me, then she alone will suffer more than me. And she got the message.
Meanwhile, my brother-in-law who visited us and also came to see the ashram told my mother that only I can stay here without anyone in solitude and others cannot stay more than a week. Then Madhu came on 17th August, on his part told my mother that she is correct and for more than a week she cannot stay here. But Madhu in his previous visits used to tell my mother that without her the ashram looks empty (when she went to stay with my brother). That was enough for her to nag me. Because whenever my mother becomes upset with me, she will threaten by saying,‘Let Madhu come and I will talk to him. There is no use in talking with you’. But when my health issue came up, she was a bit shocked and began to listen to Kannan with the reservation as she always thinks that Kannan supports only me.
I never tried to blackmail her through my health issues. All I requested her is to extend our stay as much as possible when we come to the ashram for some program and then we will go back to Mathigiri. But if she pesters me that she cannot stay even more than a day after the program, then it is a bit too hard for me. I also told her that I would never insist her to come and stay here permanently. We will stay at Mathigiri but when we come here for some program in future we will stay as much as possible, for me to rest and recover.
Anyhow in my absence Kannan convinced my mother that it will serve her interest more if she can reconsider to come back to stay permanently at the ashram. And she was slowly prepared for that too. But as I don’t want to trouble her beyond what she could bear, all I requested her is to co-operate with me to serve her at my best.
So when I went to dhyana mandapam to read my book this afternoon, after sometime I could not continue my reading as my thoughts went after all Kannan, my mother and we talked. Then I wrote this song. Now she agreed for us to go back to Mathigiri on September 5th and that was a great boon for me.
30-08-2014. Gurukulam.
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