Converted by Chatgpt. My translation in Tanglish follows it.
BT Song 961
As I was reading the following points, I understood why in Viraha-bhakti one can express love in separation more in a female voice:
…it is in the women’s voices, more specifically in their lamenting voices, that the poem produces its willed, intentional ambiguities. (p.128)
Given that the Tiruviruttam (by Nammalvar) styles itself as a vinnappam, a petition, it can be read as one long lament: a lament against this life of samsara that thrives in the swamps of false knowledge and filthy bodies….. The poem is as much a plea as it is a lament (pulampal), making this identification clearly in verse 86…. —Archana Venkatesan: A Hundred Measures of Time Tiruviruttam: Nammalvar, Translated from the Tamil, Penguin Books India, 2014, pp. 128-29
After closing the reading, I suddenly realized that in most of my viraha-bhakti songs (love in separation) I too used only a female voice to express it. Then, as the inspiration came, I wrote this song again in a female voice.
BT Song 961: Don’t You Have a Share in It?
My heart, now melted, pants for you,
Tears flow like a fountain, true.
In solitude’s fierce, burning flame,
Where has your grace gone, leaving me the same?
Unfathomable fear takes hold,
My heart shivers, truth be told.
It wonders if you’ve forgotten me,
And laments life’s futility.
Unknowing of separation, I lived till now,
In innocence, not understanding how.
When first it struck, I was lost complete,
All of me shattered, my defeat.
In the womb, I formed with thoughts of you,
Grew in ignorance, forgetting what I knew.
Yet you remembered and came to redeem,
Is it right to leave my heart, as it would seem?
Do you not share in my flaws, my plight?
If my bhakti wanes, is it not your fight?
Delay no longer, now aware,
Do not forsake my heart, if you care.
My translation in Tanglish
BT Song 961: Don’t You Have a Share in It?
My melted heart is panting thinking of you
Tears are flowing like a fountain
When I am burnt out by living in solitude
Where has your grace gone, leaving me alone?
Unfathomable fear has come
My heart is shivering thinking about it
It doubts whether you have forgotten me
It laments that there is no use in living anymore
I lived so far not knowing separation
So far, I lived not understanding separation
When it first came
I completely lost myself
When I was formed in the womb
I grew only keeping you in my thoughts
But when I was born and grew, due to ignorance
I forgot you who dwelled in my thoughts
Not forgetting me though, you came
And redeemed me out of love
Till I become completely yours
Is it right on your part not to dwell in my heart?
Do you not share in my shortcomings?
If I lack in my bhakti, is it not a loss for you?
Don’t delay further once you know this
Don’t forsake my heart anymore
Mathigiri, 9-9-2018, 2.40 p.m.
BT Song 962
See: The Lord Alone Sings
BT Song 962: What Kind of Relationship Is This?
Within me, you reside,
Conversing with me inside.
Abiding within, you speak with you,
In this bond we share, who am I? Who are you?
For you, I was created,
Redeemed for you, fated.
Changing yourself to become mine,
To live for you, in me you shine.
What kind of bond is this to declare?
Who can fathom, how do we share?
As we ourselves do not understand,
Who grasps this truth so grand?
Living as a devotee, immersed in bhakti,
You come, fall into its net with me.
When I try to rescue you,
You make me fall in your net too.
Bound in deep love, we stay,
In love’s embrace, lost, day by day.
You give, I receive, I give, you take,
In fullness, we live, no lack to make.
Who can grasp this bond we cherish?
If spoken of, they’d merely disparage.
Let our bond remain a mystery,
Rejoicing in eternal unity.
My translation in Tanglish
BT Song 962: What Kind of Relationship Is This?
Remaining within me
You talked to me
Abiding in me
You talk with you
In this relationship
That we both have
Who am I? Who are you?
Just tell that!
Creating me
For you
Redeeming me
For you
Then changing you
To become mine
In order to live for you
You are living with/in me
How to tell
What kind of relationship is this?
Who can understand?
How to tell (about it)
As we ourselves cannot understand
Who understood this well?
Which one is this to tell?
For those who cannot understand this?
Living as a bhakta
As I immerse in bhakti
You come and
Fall in this net of bhakti
When I attempt to
Rescue you from it
You made me fall
In your net
We remain bound there
With deep love
We lost our sense
By getting wet in love
As you give and I receive
As I give and you receive
We both lived with fullness
Not feeling any shortage for both of us
Who can understand this?
If I tell like this?
They will mock me
If I further tell about it
Let us remain a relationship
Which nobody can understand
Let us rejoice by
Living like this forever
Mathigiri, 10-9-2018, 11.30 p.m.
BT Song 963
As I was reflecting on the viraha-bhakti of Nammalvar in Tiruviruttam, I got inspiration to write about the two kinds of mood of the lady love, who on one side weeps, unable to bear the separation and the indifference of the Lord; at the same time, she becomes angry by thinking, “How can he behave like this?” Several such songs are in Tamil literature where the heroine will get wet with her tears and immediately she will become dry because of her anger. Then, as I was closing this song, I said to the Lord, it is better to remain as a slave than a bhakta. Because bhakti demands reciprocation from the Lord, whereas a slave has just to obey the commands of the master. If the Lord continues to remain indifferent to her love, it is better to remain a slave than a bhaktai (lady bhakta) and out of frustration she says that by renouncing even her right as a bhaktai (lady bhakta), she will better remain as a slave. But she is unable even to accept that, then kicks the ball into the Lord’s court by telling him to ask his own heart how to respond and then come and tell her which one he prefers for her to be—a bhaktai or a slave.
There is a subtle humor in this song, which is not possible to translate into English.
BT Song 963: What Is Your Answer?
Ask me, whatever it might be,
Ask your heart about my plea.
No emissary will come to you,
To speak of my condition true.
Though slandered, I came to you,
Hated by kin, I gave myself true.
When my heart hesitated with doubt,
My atman agreed, and all fear flew out.
You pitied me, accepted my plea,
Redeemed by your greatness, I see.
You vowed never to depart, so kind,
Yet now you forget me, cruel in mind.
My atman longs on one side,
My heart burns with fury, can’t hide.
Wet with longing, dried by rage,
No one should face this sorrowful stage.
Let none be defeated in bhakti as I,
I’ll remain your slave, to you I’ll tie.
Better to be a slave than a lover strained,
So ask your heart, give the answer I’ve pained.
My translation in Tanglish
BT Song 963: What Is Your Answer?
Whatever it might be, better ask me
Ask your heart about my condition
Nobody will come as an emissary to you
And won’t talk about my condition to you
Though the world talks ill of me, I came to you
I gave myself though my relatives hate me
When my heart hesitated a bit
I became yours as my atman agreed
Taking pity on me, you received me – this also is true
You redeemed me, that shows your greatness
You said that you won’t go away from me – that is your promise
But now you forgot me, that alone is cruel
On one side my atman is longing for you
On the other side, my heart is furious towards you
As I weep with longing, I completely become wet
But due to the heat of my anger, again I become dry
No one should face this kind of situation
They need not be defeated in their bhakti like me
I will remain a slave to you, my master
And I will give up my right in that slavery
It is better to remain a slave
There is a limitation for love there
Therefore, ask your heart
Then come and give me the answer
Mathigiri, 10-9-2018, 11.50 p.m.
BT Song 964
One of the blessings in following the Lord is that we need not hate this world as Maya or despise our body as mere dust. By coming to the world in human form, he helped us to understand the goodness in both of them.
BT Song 964: You Made Me Understand
In my heart, you reside,
Speaking to me, my guide.
In my sense, you dwell,
Inspiring, overloading as well.
Searched for you within my heart’s sense,
Sought you through thoughts immense.
You became mine, I gave myself to you,
All through your grace, it’s true.
In human life, with a physical frame,
To experience grace, body and mind I claim.
You helped me realize, in life’s span,
By mingling with sense and man.
Part of everyday life, you stayed,
Filling all needs, in and out, arrayed.
Oh Lord, joined with you, I found,
Mingling with you, profound.
Not distant, nor hidden, for you’re divine,
In body’s movements and thoughts, you’re mine.
You came as man-God, human too,
To be known in human life through and through.
Hating the world as mere illusion,
Denying the body, a dusty intrusion.
But you came to this earthly plane,
To help us see both body and soul’s gain.
My Translation in Tanglish
BT Song 964: You Made Me Understand
By living in my heart
You talked with me
By dwelling in my sense
You inspired me
By remaining in my thoughts
You are overloading me
By remaining with me
You become mine
I searched for you
In the sense in my heart
Through my thoughts
I only sought you
As you became mine
I gave myself to you
All these are
Because of your grace
In human life
Which has a physical body?
In order to
Experience your grace
By giving the body and mind
Along with senses
You helped me to realize
In this life on earth
By remaining
Part of everyday life
By filling in
All its needs
Experiencing it
Both in and out
Oh my Lord, I joined you
By mingling with you
Not standing
In a distance
Not remaining hidden
Because you’re God
In the body’s movements
And in my thoughts
You came along with me
By mingling with me
Though you came
As man-God
Though you lived as
Human God
In order to know you
In human life
You mingled with
Sense and body
Hating the world
By saying it is Maya
Denying the body
Thinking it mere dust
By coming to this earth
You helped us to understand
The greatness of
Both of them
Mathigiri, 12-9-2018, 11.30 p.m.
BT Song 965
Several times I feel comfort in silent prayer—not even uttering any words. I know it is very difficult, but I like only that kind of sadhana. Particularly when I become very tired in my mind (most of the time from over-reading or thinking), unable to pray or think, I will sit calmly allowing even my mind to wander wherever it likes, but often dragging it back to abide in the presence of the Lord. Sometimes I enjoy this struggle between my mind and spirit. However, as a mother realizing the need of the ailing child, as it is unable to ask for its need, I too experience the same with the Lord. When I sit silently before him, unable to utter anything, knowing my need in that particular time, he will comfort me through some means. Most of the time it would be a word or a sentence in Tamil, which I will utter as my prayer at the end of that time. As this night also I had that kind of sadhana, as the inspiration came, I wrote this song to give expression to that experience in this night.
BT Song 965: I Stopped Talking
I came seeking, you gave with love,
Unasked, you provided, understanding above.
When I sought you, blessings filled my heart,
In silent need, you understood my part.
When I come, realizing your need,
Standing still, in tiredness indeed,
Your eyes protect, I realize,
In thoughts, your care lies.
In fellowship, we converse,
In silence, I am immersed.
Knowing my heart, you stay,
Understanding my plight, your way.
Knowing a sick child’s state,
Before it asks, you alleviate.
Like a mother’s loving care,
You keep me on your lap, aware.
Is there a name for this bond so pure?
Can this status be compared, for sure?
Is there anything greater than this tie?
Am I worthy to receive this high?
Knowing this, I came to your feet,
Standing still, words deplete.
In that silence, I heard your voice,
Giving up speech, I made that choice.
My translation in Tanglish
BT Song 965: I Stopped Talking
I came asking you
You gave with love
I never asked you
But you provided understanding my need
When I came seeking you
You filled me with several blessings
When I never sought you
You understood my situation
When I come unto you
Realizing your need
When I stand still
Because of tiredness
As your eyes
Protect me
I realized it
When I thought about it
When I have fellowship with you
By talking with you
When I keep quiet
Not talking with you
Knowing my heart
You will be with me
Knowing my situation
You will do accordingly
Knowing the condition
Of the sick child
Before it could ask
By opening its mouth
Like a mother
Who serves with love?
You will take care of me
Keeping me on your lap
Is there any name
For this relationship?
Can this status be
Compared with any other thing?
Is there anything
Greater than this?
Am I qualified
To receive this?
Knowing that alone
I came to your feet
Then I stand still
Not having any words to speak
In that silence, I
Heard your voice
Then I gave up
The thought of talking
Mathigiri, 13-9-2018, 11.00 p.m.
BT Song 961: பங்குனக் கில்லையா
உருகிய மனமும் உன்னை எண்ணித் தவிக்குது
ஊற்றெனக் கண்களில் நீரும் பெருகுது
உன்னை எண்ணித் தனிமையில் வாடும்போது
உன்னருள் எனைவிட்டு வேறெங்கு போனது?
இனம்புரியாத பயமொன்று வந்தது
என்மனம் அதையெண்ணி உள்ளாக நடுங்குது
எனை நீ மறந்தாயோ என்று எண்ணுது
இனி வாழ்ந்து பயனில்லை என்று புலம்புது
பிரிவறியாது இதுவரை இருந்தேன்
பிரிவென்ற ஒன்றை அறியாமல் வாழ்ந்தேன்
முதன்முதலாக அதுவரும் போது
முற்றிலும் என்னை நானே இழந்தேன்
கருவினில் தோன்றி வளர்ந்திடும் போதே
கருத்தினுள் உன்னை எண்ணியே வளர்ந்தேன்
பிறந்து வளர்ந்து பின் பேதமையாலே
கருத்தினில் இருந்த உன்னையே மறந்தேன்
ஆயினும் என்னை நீ மறக்காமல்
அன்பினால் தேடி வந்து மீட்டாய்
முழுவதும் உனக்காய் மாறிடும் வரைக்கும்
உள்ளத்தில் உறைய மறுப்பது முறையா?
பக்தையின் குறைவில் பங்குனக் கில்லையா?
பக்தியில் குறைந்தால் இழப்புனக் கில்லையா?
அறிந்தபின் இனியும் தாமதிக்காதே
அடியவள் மனதை இனிப் புறக்காதே
மத்திகிரி, 9-9-2018, மதியம், 2.40
BT Song 962: இதுவென்ன உறவு?
எனக்குள்ளே இருந்து
என்னுடன் பேசினாய்
என்னுடன் இருந்து
உன்னிடம் கூறினாய்
நமக்குள் இருக்கும்
இந்த உறவில்
நானார் நீயார்
என்பதைக் கூறுவாய்!
உனக்கென என்னை
உருவாக்கிக் கொண்டு
உனக்காய் என்னை
மீட்டுக் கொண்டு
எனக்காய் அதன்பின்
உன்னையும் மாற்றி
உனக்காய் வாழ
என்னுடன் வாழ்ந்தாய்
என்ன உறவென
இதையே சொல்ல
எவர்தான் புரிவார்?
எப்படிச் சொல்ல?
புரிந்த நமக்கே
புரியாது போனபின்
புரியாத பேருக்கு
எதுவெனச் சொல்ல?
பக்தனாய் வாழ்ந்து
பக்தியில் திளைக்க
பக்தியின் வலையில்
நீ வந்து கிடக்க
உன்னையே மீட்க
எத்தனிக் கையிலே
உனது வலைக்குள்
விழுந்திட வைத்தாய்
கட்டுண்டு கிடந்தோம்
காதலில் அங்கு
கருத்தினை இழந்தோம்
அன்பினில் நனைந்து
நீ தர, நான்பெற
நான் தர, நீபெற
எவருக்கும் குறைவின்றி
வாழ்ந்தோம் நிறைந்து
எவர்தான் புரிவார்?
இப்படிச் சொன்னால்
ஏளனம் செய்வார்
மேலுமே சொன்னால்
எவருக்கும் புரியா
உறவாய் இருப்போம்
இதுபோல் வாழ்ந்து
நித்தமும் களிப்போம்
மத்திகிரி, 10-9-2018, இரவு, 11.30
BT Song 963: உன் பதில் என்ன?
ஏதானாலும் நீ என்னிடம் கேளு
எந்நிலைதன்னை உன் மனதிடம் கேளு
எவரும் தூதாய் வரவும் மாட்டார்
எந்நிலை எடுத்துச் சொல்லவும் மாட்டார்
ஊரார் தூற்றினும் உன்னிடம் வந்தேன்
உற்றார் வெறுக்க உனக்கென்னைத் தந்தேன்
என்மனம் சற்றே தயங்கிய போது
என்னுயிர் இணங்க உன்வசமானேன்
என்நிலைக் கிரங்கி ஏற்றதும் உண்மை
என்னையும் மீட்டது உந்தன் மேன்மை
என்றும் பிரியேன் என்றதுன் வாய்மை
இன்றுநீ மறந்தாய் அதுதான் கொடுமை
ஒருபுறம் உயிரோ உனக்காய் ஏங்குது
மறுபுறம் மனமோ கோபத்தில் பொங்குது
ஏங்கி அழுத நீரால் நனைந்தேன்
கோபத்தின் வெம்மையால் மீண்டும் காய்ந்தேன்
இதுபோல் நிலைமை எவருக்கும் வேண்டாம்
என்போல் பக்தியில் தோற்கவும் வேண்டாம்
ஆண்டான் உனக்கு அடிமையாய் இருப்பேன்
அதனில் எனது உரிமையைத் துறப்பேன்
அடிமையாய் இருப்பது ஒருவிதம் நல்லது
அன்புக்கு அங்கே எல்லையும் உள்ளது
ஆகவே உனது மனதிடம் கேளு
அதன்பின் வந்து உன்பதில் கூறு
மத்திகிரி, 10-9-2018, இரவு, 11.50
BT Song 964: புரியவைத்தாய்
உள்ளத்தில் வாழ்ந்து
என்னுடன் பேசினாய்
உணர்வில் இருந்து
என்னையும் தூண்டினாய்
எண்ணத்தில் இருந்து
என்னையும் ஆண்டாய்
என்னுடன் இருந்து
என்வசம் ஆனாய்
உள்ளத்தின் உணர்வில்
உன்னையும் தேடினேன்
எண்ணத்தின் எண்ணத்தில்
உன்னையே நாடினேன்
என்வசம் ஆனதால்
என்னையே தந்தேன்
இவையாவும் உனது
அருளினால் என்றேன்
ஊனுடல் கொண்ட
மானுட வாழ்வில்
உன்னருள் தன்னை
உணர்ந்திட வென்று
உடலோடு மனதையும்
உணர்வுடன் தந்து
உலக வாழ்விலே
உணர வைத்தாய்
அனுதின வாழ்வின்
பகுதியாய் இருந்து
அதனின் தேவைகள்
அனைத்திலும் நிறைந்து
அகம்புறம் இரண்டிலும்
அதனை உணர்ந்து
ஐயனே ஒன்றினேன்
உன்னுடன் இணைந்து
தூரமே விலகி
நின்று விடாமல்
தெய்வம் என்பதால்
மறைந்து நில்லாமல்
உடலின் அசைவில்
உள்ளத்தின் நினைவில்
ஒன்றாய்க் கலந்து
உடன்நீ வந்தாய்
தெய்வமே மனிதனாய்
வந்த போதும்
மனித தெய்வமாய்
வாழ்ந்த போதும்
மனித வாழ்வில்
மனிதன் அறிய
உடலொடு மனதின்
உணர்வில் கலந்தாய்
மாயை என்று
உலகை வெறுத்து
மண்தான் என்று
உடலை மறுத்து
வாழும் உலகில்
இரண்டின் மேன்மை
வந்து காட்டி
புரியவைத்தாய்
மத்திகிரி, 12-9-2018, இரவு, 11.30
### BT Song 965: பேச்சை விட்டேன்
வேண்டித்தான் வந்தேன்
விரும்பியே தந்தாய்
வேண்டாமல் இருந்தேன்
உணர்ந்துமே கொடுத்தாய்
நாடித்தான் வந்தேன்
நன்மையால் நிறைத்தாய்
நாடாத போதும்
என்நிலை உணர்ந்தாய்
உளமார உணர்ந்து
உன்னடி வந்தாலும்
ஒருவிதச் சோர்வினால்
ஓய்ந்துமே கிடந்தாலும்
உன்னருள் கண்கள்
இமைக்காது காக்க
உணர்ந்தேன் அதனை
மனதினில் நினைக்க
உன்னோடு பேசி
உறவாடினாலும்
ஒன்றும் பேசாது
மவுனமாய் இருந்தும்
என்னுளம் அறிந்து
என்னுடன் இருப்பாய்
எந்நிலை அறிந்து
அதன்படி நடப்பாய்
நோயுற்ற சேயின்
நிலையினை அறிந்து
வாய்விட்டுக் கேட்குமுன்
தேவையைப் புரிந்து
பரிவுடன் சேவை
செய்திடும் தாய்போல்
உன்மடி மீது
என்னையும் வளர்ப்பாய்
இந்த உன் உறவுக்குப்
பெயரெதும் உண்டோ?
இந்த என் நிலைக்கு
ஈடிணை உண்டோ?
இதனினும் மேன்மை
வேறெதும் உண்டோ?
இதைப்பெறத் தகுதியும்
எனக்குமே உண்டோ?
அதனை அறிந்து
உன்னடி வந்தேன்
அதன்பின் பேச
மொழியின்றி நின்றேன்
அந்த அமைதியில்
உன்குரல் கேட்டேன்
அதன்பின் பேசிடும்
எண்ணத்தை விட்டேன்
மத்திகிரி, 13-9-2018, இரவு, 11.00
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