Recently, I had a conversation with a Hindu bhakta. During our discussion, she mentioned that because we live with our (birth) families, where other members may not share our same devotion to the Lord, we often need to “compromise” on many issues, especially those related to rituals. I immediately interrupted and clarified, “I’m not sure I ever used the word ‘compromise.’ What we need to do is ‘accommodate’ their sensibilities, even if it makes us uncomfortable.” We then continued our conversation.
The essence of our talk was this: She, as a single person, lives with her elderly father and cares for him. Occasionally, her father asks her to light the lamp in the puja (prayer) room when he feels too tired after his evening walk. She explained, “Usually, my father lights the lamp, but when he asks me to do it, I don’t hesitate, remembering your words.” During the conversation, she also mentioned that during family pujas (such as Diwali), after taking the mangala arati, when her father shows the arati lamp with the camphor flame, she pretends to receive it out of respect. “I do this to ‘appease’ him,” she said.
In response, I explained that helping our relatives, particularly elderly parents, with their daily pujas is not a “compromise” of our bhakti (devotion). It is our dharma (duty) to do what they expect of us. Compromise implies giving up our convictions to survive, whereas accommodation is about recognizing and respecting their legitimate needs, even if we disagree with the practice. There’s no need for us to view it as a concession they expect from us; they are merely expressing their faith in their own way. In some situations, we may need to negotiate or make a truce to avoid tension, but this doesn’t mean compromising our rights or convictions.
For instance, both a daughter-in-law and mother-in-law might make a temporary truce, not relinquishing their respective positions in the family but waiting until they have the support to express their views fully. This is a form of negotiation, not compromise.
I light the lamp in the puja room when my mother asks me, though “request” is not the right word. In Indian families (unless entirely Westernized), when other family members ask us for something, we don’t use the word “request.” We also don’t say “please” or “thank you” within the family. Now, people have started saying “thank you” for everything, imitating Western manners. Some may ask, “What’s wrong with that?” I don’t mind thanking neighbors or strangers for favors, but within the family, it feels foreign. [See my blog on Thanksgiving for more thoughts.] I know the younger generation may disagree with me, but we can agree to disagree.
Similarly, when my mother asks me to bring her flowers from the garden, if I were to refuse, thinking I’m taking a stand for the Lord, she would go out and get the flowers herself, possibly stumbling and injuring herself. The consequences would be far more problematic for both of us than if I simply brought her a few flowers.
“Appeasement” is often associated with calming a deity’s wrath when rituals are not performed correctly, sometimes involving sacrifices. This term is generally used in the religious world in that context. However, when we participate in family pujas, we are not appeasing anyone; we are simply maintaining harmony in our relationships. This is not the same as appeasement.
Of course, some hyper-evangelicals may label this as “syncretism,” but that’s a misunderstanding of the term. Syncretism involves blending beliefs or practices, which is not what’s happening in these situations.
As Hindu bhaktas living with our birth families, whether under the same roof or separately, we often need to navigate various issues. There is no universal solution; each bhakta must determine what works in their situation. Others may not understand, but when we struggle, it’s best to share our concerns with fellow bhaktas who face similar situations. The key is to remember that we are not compromising or appeasing others; we are adjusting to life’s realities without betraying our devotion to the Lord.
Using English words like “compromise” and “appeasement” can cloud the situation. In Tamil, words like anusarichi pohanum (we must adjust), vittukkotukkanum (give and take), and tiruppitip paduttanum (to please) don’t translate perfectly into English. These words convey subtleties that are lost in translation, and it’s important to be mindful of this when describing our actions.
The most important thing is that we continue our bhakti in the Lord, maintaining our personal devotion without feeling guilty about adjusting in our daily lives. If we seek approval from others, especially critics, they may only serve to stir up guilt in us. That’s why fellowship with other bhaktas is crucial—it helps us navigate our faith while respecting the people around us. Even though our bhakti is personal, we do not have a private God, and we need one another to grow in devotion.
To illustrate the difference between “personal” and “private,” I gave the example of two bhaktas who have a court case against each other. They cannot ask the other members of the mandali (fellowship) to pray for the success of their side. This doesn’t mean they can’t have disputes, but either they should resolve the issue within the fellowship or, if the case must go to court, they should refrain from involving the mandali in their legal matters.
29-5-2021
Leave a Reply