One time when I visited one of my shishyas’ houses, as usual, there came some tension in the family. My shishya, after exchanging words with his wife, came to me and said, “They all forgot the fact that I’m working hard and earning only ‘FOR’ them. But they cannot adjust on small things and began to fight with me. Whenever I come back home, there are always some issues ready for me to face and resolve. What can I do? When I work ‘FOR’ them outside, why can’t they understand and adjust here at home?” In her turn, his wife made the same kind of complaint, “He thinks only about earning and giving money to the whole family. Whereas I have to work here like a servant ‘FOR’ all the members of the family, etc. etc.”
When they sought my intervention and advice, I told them clearly that as a sannyasi, I am not qualified to give advice or counsel to any family people. However, I can give one theoretical formula, which could help them reflect on it and, if possible, implement on an experimental level to see whether it will work or not. Because, though a sannyasi, I too have relationship problems and often implement this formula. It is just changing one word. Instead of using the word ‘FOR,’ use the word ‘WITH.’ This will help us see the relationship in the right context and celebrate the God-given relatives in our life.
When we begin to understand that we cannot live, serve, or sacrifice ‘FOR’ others but ‘WITH’ them, it will completely change our attitude towards others. A husband is living not ‘FOR’ his wife; parents are not living ‘FOR’ the children, etc. We are living ‘WITH’ them. If they are not there, we won’t have even our identity and role as a father, mother, husband, wife, etc. Once we realize that we are living ‘WITH’ others, we will understand and appreciate their contribution to our life, even to live ‘FOR’ others. Once we realize this, then we have to exchange another word to resolve many tensions in relationships. This is ‘HOW’ for ‘WHY.’ Instead of asking ‘WHY’ should I work, serve, or sacrifice,’ if we begin to ask ‘HOW’ could I work, serve, and sacrifice ‘WITH’ others,’ then most problems related to interpersonal relationships will be solved.
Though this is a formula, at least it works in my life. Others may say, “Being a sannyasi and living alone, it may work easily for you. But when you begin to rub shoulders with others as we do, then you too will understand our struggle.” Agreed. But I too have the privilege to live and serve ‘WITH’ my mother in my ashram, and experience others’ strife in their relationship with me to some extent. My mother becomes upset as I have to cook for others when they visit and stay in the ashram. Even I have to make tea for them, as there is no cook here to do so. Then she will shout at me, saying, “You are not a sannyasi, but a cook. This is not an ashram, but a hotel.” Though I cannot convince her much, I still apply the same formula of ‘WITH’ to ‘FOR’ and ‘HOW’ to ‘WHY,’ and I enjoy my life as a sannyasi. So try it in small areas first, and you will see that it will also work for you.
When we realize that before we exercise our authority and fight for our rights, we must accept our responsibility. Only then can we enjoy both our relationship and position. Similarly, we must recognize others’ equal, sometimes greater, right to demand more from us because of their many limitations [old age, no pension, housewife without earning, unemployed siblings, etc.].
Dayanand Bharati, Gurukulam, November 10, 2009.
One time when I visited one of my shishyas’ houses, as usual, there came some tension in the family. My shishya, after exchanging words with his wife, came to me and said, “They all forgot the fact that I’m working hard and earning only ‘FOR’ them. But they cannot adjust on small things and began to fight with me. Whenever I come back home, there are always some issues ready for me to face and resolve. What can I do? When I work ‘FOR’ them outside, why can’t they understand and adjust here at home?” In her turn, his wife made the same kind of complaint, “He thinks only about earning and giving money to the whole family. Whereas I have to work here like a servant ‘FOR’ all the members of the family, etc. etc.”
When they sought my intervention and advice, I told them clearly that as a sannyasi, I am not qualified to give advice or counsel to any family people. However, I can give one theoretical formula, which could help them reflect on it and, if possible, implement on an experimental level to see whether it will work or not. Because, though a sannyasi, I too have relationship problems and often implement this formula. It is just changing one word. Instead of using the word ‘FOR,’ use the word ‘WITH.’ This will help us see the relationship in the right context and celebrate the God-given relatives in our life.
When we begin to understand that we cannot live, serve, or sacrifice ‘FOR’ others but ‘WITH’ them, it will completely change our attitude towards others. A husband is living not ‘FOR’ his wife; parents are not living ‘FOR’ the children, etc. We are living ‘WITH’ them. If they are not there, we won’t have even our identity and role as a father, mother, husband, wife, etc. Once we realize that we are living ‘WITH’ others, we will understand and appreciate their contribution to our life, even to live ‘FOR’ others. Once we realize this, then we have to exchange another word to resolve many tensions in relationships. This is ‘HOW’ for ‘WHY.’ Instead of asking ‘WHY’ should I work, serve, or sacrifice,’ if we begin to ask ‘HOW’ could I work, serve, and sacrifice ‘WITH’ others,’ then most problems related to interpersonal relationships will be solved.
Though this is a formula, at least it works in my life. Others may say, “Being a sannyasi and living alone, it may work easily for you. But when you begin to rub shoulders with others as we do, then you too will understand our struggle.” Agreed. But I too have the privilege to live and serve ‘WITH’ my mother in my ashram, and experience others’ strife in their relationship with me to some extent. My mother becomes upset as I have to cook for others when they visit and stay in the ashram. Even I have to make tea for them, as there is no cook here to do so. Then she will shout at me, saying, “You are not a sannyasi, but a cook. This is not an ashram, but a hotel.” Though I cannot convince her much, I still apply the same formula of ‘WITH’ to ‘FOR’ and ‘HOW’ to ‘WHY,’ and I enjoy my life as a sannyasi. So try it in small areas first, and you will see that it will also work for you.
When we realize that before we exercise our authority and fight for our rights, we must accept our responsibility. Only then can we enjoy both our relationship and position. Similarly, we must recognize others’ equal, sometimes greater, right to demand more from us because of their many limitations [old age, no pension, housewife without earning, unemployed siblings, etc.].
Dayanand Bharati, Gurukulam, November 10, 2009.
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