Husband and Wife

In Confucian ethics the ‘three bonds’ are very important in life—virtue, age and gender.  But it is also heavily criticised:

In the modern egalitarian and liberal perspective, the least appealing legacy of Confucian ethics is the so-called “three bonds” (san–kang); namely the authority of the ruler over the minister, the father over the son, and the husband over the wife. Chinese intellectuals’ iconoclastic attacks on the Confucian establishment in the first decades of the twentieth century have given the impression that the rationale for the bonds was motivated by an authoritarian impulse to dominate the subservient, the young, and the female. Based on this perception, the three bonds have been depicted as three forms of bondage and Confucian ethics has been condemned as despotic, autocratic, patriarchal, gerontocratic, and male-chauvinistic.— Ch. 3 Confucianism, Tu Wei-ming, pp. 141-227, in Arvind Sharma, ed. Our Religions, Harper San Francisco, 1993, p. 193

Particularly this kind of myogenic attitude by man, particularly by a husband is severely questioned and condemned by Feminism.  But this kind of myogenic attitude towards women, particularly towards wives is not limited only to one tradition, however it was explained by the author clearly that it was a misunderstanding about Confucian views that I will give in the notes.

But similar tension between men and women is a common phenomenon everywhere in the world.  For example, in India women are more condemned than glorified and more thrashed than worshipped.  I need not point out the way in some Abrahamic faith women are denied even some fundamental rights which have nothing to do with their faith.  However, when it comes to a family, however a husband tries to dominate his wife, in real life it is completely a different story.  A common joke about this is that there exists a ‘husband AC.’  A husband AC is one which makes lots of noise outside the house but remains silent inside the house.

Having said this, let me quote verbatim what some other scholars actually wrote about this woman’s ability to have her own ways in life, particularly by a wife.

First from Confucian perspective:

The Confucian wife is known for her forbearance. However, her patient restraint, far from being a sign of weakness, is often a demonstration of inner strength. Though her purposiveness may appear to be covertly and subtly manipulative, she has both power and legitimacy to ensure that her vision of the proper way maintain the well-being of the family prevails; for the wife, in idea if not in practice, is not subservient to the husband but is his equal. The authority of the husband, like that of the ruler or the father, must be recognized to make it efficacious. The spirit of mutuality is evident here. (p. 211) The husband depends as much on the wife to handle his domestic as the wife depends on the husband to enhance her public status.— Tu Wei-ming, op. cit. pp. 210-211

However in real life it is the wife who enhances the husband’s public status as both Proverb and Valluvar clearly showed this.  See in the Notes for this.

From an Islamic scholar:

Although the Muslim male dominates in economic and social activity outside the home, it is the wife who reigns completely in the home, where the husband is like a guest. It is the wife who is central to family life and who provides most of the social bonding among members of the family….The most important concrete reality in the life of a Muslim after God, the Prophet, and the spiritual and religious figures, who are in a sense an extension of the being of the Prophet, is the family; the most important figures who preserve the organic bonds within the family are the women, who as wives, mothers, and mothers-in-law usually wield great power and influence over the whole family.— Ch. 7, Islam, Seyyed Hossein Nasr. Pp. 427-532, in Sharma, op. cit. p. 478

Mahatma Gandhi, who tried to dominate his wife but later recognized that it is not possible.  The context here is that when Kasturiba with much hesitation was cleaning the bucket of the night soil that a harijan guest left behind under his bed [in South Africa] removed with much hesitation, an estranged Gandhi try to throw her away from the home saying that such behavior of not doing it joyfully is not acceptable to him.  But Kasturiba severely rebuked him for his rude behavior that too in a strange country where there is no family support for her:

…The wife, with her matchless powers of endurance, has always been the victor.—Gandhi, The Story of my Experiments with Truth,— Arun Gandhi, Daughter of Midnight: The Child Bride of Gandhi, London, Blake Pub. Ltd. 1998, p.85

Well, Ra. Su. Nallapperumal in one of his wonderful Novel: Aval Oru Thodarkathai [“She is an unending story”, which Balachandar later made a beautiful film] says, ‘men know only to put the dot but only a women know how to join them to make a beautiful kolam [Rangoli or pattern].

What is there to say more than this about the role of women in life, particularly that of a wife in a house.  That is why Mahabharata well said that: A house is not a home but only a wife makes the house as a home

RV 10.85.36.  Again at 3.53.4 the RV states: “Wife is the true home”—jayed astam.  The MBh (12.144.66) echoes the same thought: “The home is not the house, they say, but the housewife”—na grham grham ity Aahu grhini grham ucyate.— Patrick Olivelle, The Ashrama system  The History and Hermeneutics of a Religious Institution  New York, Oxford, Oxford University Press, 1993, Fn. 32, p.41

It is better to close again with a famous joke: Husband is the boss of the house and he got his wife’s permission to say so or hold the view, because she is the one who rules the home.

Notes

இல்லதென் இல்லவள் மாண்பானால் உள்ளதென்

இல்லவள் மாணாக் கடை?—Kural, 53

Kural in English:	If his wife be eminent (in virtue), what does (that man) not possess ? If she be without excellence, what does (he) possess ?
English Meaning:	There is no lack within the house, where wife in worth excels, There is no luck within the house, where wife dishonoured dwells

Proverb 31: verses 10 ff.

A wife of noble character who can find?
    She is worth far more than rubies.
¹¹ Her husband has full confidence in her
    and lacks nothing of value.
¹² She brings him good, not harm,
    all the days of her life.
¹³ She selects wool and flax
    and works with eager hands.
¹⁴ She is like the merchant ships,
    bringing her food from afar.
¹⁵ She gets up while it is still night;
    she provides food for her family
    and portions for her female servants.
¹⁶ She considers a field and buys it;
    out of her earnings she plants a vineyard.
¹⁷ She sets about her work vigorously;
    her arms are strong for her tasks.
¹⁸ She sees that her trading is profitable,
    and her lamp does not go out at night.
¹⁹ In her hand she holds the distaff
    and grasps the spindle with her fingers.
²⁰ She opens her arms to the poor
    and extends her hands to the needy.
²¹ When it snows, she has no fear for her household;
    for all of them are clothed in scarlet.
²² She makes coverings for her bed;
    she is clothed in fine linen and purple.
²³ Her husband is respected at the city gate,
    where he takes his seat among the elders of the land.
²⁴ She makes linen garments and sells them,
    and supplies the merchants with sashes.
²⁵ She is clothed with strength and dignity;
    she can laugh at the days to come.
²⁶ She speaks with wisdom,
    and faithful instruction is on her tongue.
²⁷ She watches over the affairs of her household
    and does not eat the bread of idleness.
²⁸ Her children arise and call her blessed;
    her husband also, and he praises her:
²⁹ “Many women do noble things,
    but you surpass them all.”
³⁰ Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting;
    but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised.
³¹ Honor her for all that her hands have done,
    and let her works bring her praise at the city gate.

Kannadasan: My life become enlightened as I married you;

As I married you, my fame increased in Assemblies.—

உன்னை கரம் பிடித்தேன் வாழ்க்கை ஒளிமயமானதடி

உன்னை மணந்ததனால் சபையில் புகழும் வளர்ந்ததடி###