Need to change
‘After marriage he completely changed’ are the regular complaints that one can hear from an Indian mother. But I cannot understand the logic in such complaints. Because, in most cases the marriage is arranged by the family and the parents alone brought the daughter-in-law to their home and not merely a wife to their son. This means that the mother does not want to see her son to remain always only as a son to her but also a husband to another woman. Then naturally, he has to change from a son to a husband. And from a husband, he has to become a father. Of course, if his wife claims her husband totally at the cost of his relationship as a son, then she needs to be corrected. But if the mother, though does not deny her son’s role as a husband to her daughter-in-law yet expects him not to change, it looks ‘ill-logical’ to me.
Today when one of my shishyas came to see and shared his regular family problem of strife between his wife and rest of his family members, he said, ‘my mother, sister, brother and others in my family insist that my wife needs to adjust a bit. And she tries her best. But when she cannot cope with too much pressure, then she reacts. I don’t know how to handle it’.
As a single man, though I don’t have the readymade solution to this universal (Indian) problem, yet I pointed out by saying this: Your mother and other members of the family are right to demand that your wife needs to adjust a bit. But you have to point out to them that when your mother needs to adjust to accommodate the aspiration of your wife a bit.And when your wife has to adjust with your mother, then she needs to adjust simultaneously (directly or indirectly; demanded or not) with the rest of the family members too. To say in other words, when your mother has to adjust a ‘bit’ she has to do it only as a ‘mother-in-law’ but your wife has to adjust with your mother not only as a ‘daughter-in-law’ but simultaneously as a ‘sister-in-law’ to your sister and brother and in various role with other members of your family. And for a smooth relationship and function of a family, the elders need to realize and recognize this extra mile a daughter-in-law has to go in a family. And as a husband you have to help your family members to understand this. How you will do it is a different issue. But if you fail in this and continue to demand only your wife to adjust a ‘bit’ then you will only add to her burden and problem more by including you in her ‘bit’ adjustment group. By saying this I am not taking the side of your wife or denying the right of your mother and other members of your family to you and your wife. But elders have more responsibility in understanding the multi-faced role a young wife has to play in a family. If they fail in this, then all their experience in life and the grey hair on their head has no meaning. The simple logic that you need to keep in your married life is this:
(At least in India) a son can be replaced by another person to a mother but not a husband to a wife. Wife can become a mother but a mother can never become a wife.
As your mother alone brought a daughter-in-law to her to change her son as a husband, never shun away from the responsibilities in this new role. And by doing this you are only obeying your mother, as she alone expected you to change from a son to a husband.
There is another side of the coin also. In general a wife often complains that even after marriage and having children, her husband listens only to his mother and not his wife. Then when her son was doing mischief, she turned to him and said, ‘you should listen to what your mother says. Won’t you listen to your mother’? She expects her son to listen to her but not her husband to his mother.
At the same time, we should also recognize that when a wife comes to her husband’s house, it is entirely a new world for her to learn and adjust a lot. There is another joke about it also in Tamilnadu:
Wife to husband: When you came to see me before engagement, with how many of your relatives you came with?
Husband: Ten
Wife: when you came for engagement with how many?
Husband: Hundred
Wife: for your marriage with me?
Husband: One thousand
Wife: Now tell, when I came to your house after marriage with how many I came?
Husband: only you
Wife: now understand who am I. Singla wandalum Singama vanden = even if I came alone I came as a Lion.
May 30. 2013
Dayanand Bharat
Leave a Reply