One of my neighbours who has a big family came and complained that his (grownup) children are not listening to his advice, which he tells them only for their good. After listening to him, with a smile I said, ‘behind every advice that we give (or anyone gives) always a string will be attached. Every parent has a mixed motive of altruism and ambition while giving advice to their children. For example, when I become sick my mother really shows her concern and love for me. At the same time, she also has some anxiety about her personal wellbeing. If something happens to me, then who will take care of her (as I do)? This she honestly confessed without hiding from me. When I give any advice to anyone, my standard rhetoric is: I am saying this only keeping your interest. But we both know that in between the line hides my interest also.
But the problem with the present old generation (including me) is that we fail to understand the pressures which the present young generation faces outside home—which we never encountered in our lives much. We lived relatively a tension free life in our youth—thank god as there were no electronic gadgets and social media. At the same time the young generation also, in the name of progress and freedom (the so called individualism from the west) wanted to decide so many things about their life on their own. But when they face any problem or failure then, they use our sentiment towards them and force us to rescue them from it.
More than 50% of love marriages end up in divorce. Unlike the West where one can divorce as many times and marry again, as second marriage is not that much easy in our country, then the parents end up taking care of the responsibility of that failed marriage, particularly for a daughter (with her child or children). Divorced couples can throw away each other from their life. But the parents cannot do the same to their children.
Don’t think that this happens only in such a tragedy of divorce or widowhood. Even several children who are married as per the choice of their parents also seek the help of their parents, particularly from the mother side to come and help them to take care of their children as both the couple have to work to earn. I know of one such couple where their second daughter suddenly left her husband outside in India and returned back with her two sons to her parents. The reason is that she wants to continue her studies to stand on her own leg. Whereas her husband is earning a good salary. He also has property worth several crores. And she also will inherit a huge property worth several crores rupees as her parents have only two daughters. Now she continues her studies with the mother taking care of the two children and the husband leading a single man’s life in another country. This is what we call in Tamil as: ‘remaining a brahmachari even after marriage and starving even after taking loan’ [கல்லாணம் பண்ணியும் பிரம்மச்சாரி; கடன் வாங்கியும் பட்டினி]. Her argument is that as educated she wants to use it. But there are other means to use her education. She can run a free tuition centre for the poor children rather than deserting her husband to be deprived of his life as a family person with his wife and children.
When the elders thought that they, after settling the life of their children now, can have some relatively peaceful life, they end up starting not mere second innings but even a second match where the first match ends up with a tie. In a match when it ends up with a tie, only a limited over is given to decide the match. But in real life, particularly in many senior citizens, they are forced to play the entire second match (that too a five day test match) without any break after the first match.
In the past when senior relatives or friends met at some function, generally they would ask questions about the welfare of their grandchildren, children and other relatives. But now they only ask about each other’s health (how is sugar, pressure etc.) and rarely they talk about their grandchildren or children. Even if others ask about them, their general response is: ‘all are fine in their own place. At least they are not giving trouble to us, if not helping us’. In the past the expectation of the seniors was that in their old age their children and grandchildren should take care of them. Now their expectation is: let them not come and give trouble to us.
Our Indian society is at a cross road now. We are unable to live as per our own traditional values. At the same time, we cannot cope that much easily with the new values that come from different parts of the world. In such a scenario, how to live life becomes a million dollar question now—particularly for many senior citizens.
Unable to involve much at the same time, unable to keep a distance, we struggle a lot, as most of the young generation, even after their failures and struggles, still want to keep only their modern view, unable to accommodate our values and views while we want to help them. This is the message of the young generation now to the old generation: WE HAVE OUR RIGHTS TO MESS OUR LIFE. AND YOU HAVE YOUR DUTY (DHARMA =SOCIAL OBLIGATION) AND RESPONSIBILITY (MORAL OBLIGATION) TO RESCUE US IN OUR TERMS AND CONDITIONS. And the only weapon that we have for this is our sentimental attachment to them.
As I was reflecting on this subject I wrote song [see Secular Song 535]
Mathigiri, 20-1-2020
I loved your cricket match illustration.
One thought: My guess is that the next generation will handle their freedom differently, as has happened now in the West. Even though they move far away from parents/grandparents, they now use email/facetime/texting to keep in touch daily, especially daughters.
God bless.
Herb
23-1-2020
But so many common people who do not know how to use these kind of modern gadgets are deprived the personal touch in relationship. I think there is a different in this from the West and India. Unlike in the West where children are free after 18 and don’t depend upon their parents, in India even after their marriage several children depends upon their parents, particularly to take care of their infants. I know several families where the married couple completely depend upon the support of their seniors to take care of their children—which sometimes become more a burden to the seniors as they find it cope with the demand of the modern pressures.
Db
24-1-2020
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