Thanksgiving

When I stayed with an American family for a few days in Varanasi, I was amused by how often they said thanks to each other. For example, at breakfast, they thanked each other for everything. Even when one needed a spoon, they would ask, “A spoon, please,” and immediately say “thanks” when it was handed over.

After a day or two, we discussed various cultural and social issues in both India and America. I asked why they were so formal in giving thanks to each other, even between husband and wife. My friend’s wife explained, “In our culture, only very close people say thanks to each other. By saying this word, we appreciate their service and love for us. However, when a boss instructs a subordinate, the latter won’t expect thanks, and the former often won’t give it. Among close relatives and friends, saying ‘thanks’ is not a formality but an expression of closeness.” This surprised me because in India, it is rare for a husband to thank his wife for a wonderful meal, or for a wife to thank her husband for a thoughtful gift.

In our culture, we use different means to express love and affection. Though nowadays in cities, children have begun to say thanks to their parents, and even husbands and wives to each other (and even good morning in homes), in traditional culture, we express our love through actions and reactions. For example, to appreciate good food, a husband (or guests) might say, “Today my stomach is really filled; I ate up to my nose” (in Tamil). Instead of directly asking if the food is tasty, women often say, “Is there enough salt? I hope it isn’t too hot.” In response, the guest or family member might say, “Perfect. The food is very tasty today. How did you cook it? What spices did you add?” (Immediately, the host [in a home the real host is only the wife and not the husband, who stays there as an unpaying guest] will start to give the recipe and method of cooking.)

While there is nothing wrong with offering thanks to others and even to God to appreciate the present moment, as Vaswani rightly said, “Some people say ‘thanks’ automatically, without looking at the person they are thanking or meeting their eyes.” He also noted, “Normally, the act of saying ‘thank you’ puts a certain distance between the giver and the receiver” (“Appreciate the Here and Now,” J.P. Vaswani, Times of India).

There is nothing wrong with learning new manners that we think are good for us. However, if we begin to imitate others just for the sake of adopting some aspects of their culture, which best serves their purposes, then artificiality cannot be avoided. Considering the influence of multiple cultures in our global village, we cannot avoid the influence of other cultures on us. When we try to imitate certain new manners, we should understand the ‘value’ behind them.

For example, I have observed that most Westerners look into each other’s eyes when they express love, care, and concern, while we Indians rarely do so. Even while talking (or arguing and fighting), we often avoid eye contact. This is part of our Indian mannerisms. Rarely will a doctor look at a patient while examining them; they mostly look at the report or old prescription rather than making eye contact. When we go to the temple to worship, we often close our eyes while standing before the deity. Thankfully, in our iconography, the eyes of the deities remain wide open, as ‘darshan’ means not only that we see the deity but also that we are seen by the deity. Even in romantic scenes in films, after some initial eye contact, both the boy and girl will talk (mostly sing and dance) without looking at each other very much. Even in romance, the girl is expected to be shy and not directly look at the boy, while the boy can express his love openly. This is even endorsed by Tirukkural, where the boy (man) says, “Yaan nookunkaal nilam nokuum; nokkakaal thaan noki mella nahum” (when I see her, she looks at the earth; when I don’t see her, she looks at me and gently laughs).

As the life of people cannot be divided into watertight compartments like cultural, social, and religious, what Vaswani says about the historical background of Thanksgiving Day in America makes sense for us to understand their social worldview (of thanksgiving). This could also be one of the reasons for the lack of such practices in our civilization. Though there might be several bhajans and poems of thanksgiving in our religious and secular literature, I cannot immediately remember any of them. Whereas in Muktiveda, one can see several poems (particularly in the book of Psalms) and prayers of ‘thanksgiving’ to God. It would be interesting to collect all the ‘thanksgiving’ poems and bhajans in our Indian literature.

Though Vaswani has written positively that, “Every day in India is a Thanksgiving Day, for we have to thank God for all that we are and all that we have, every day of our lives,” considering the corruption, lack of civic sense, and lawlessness at every level, “We cannot, indeed, confine our thanksgiving to any single day. Ideally, every day, every moment of every day should be an occasion of thanksgiving. The spirit of thanksgiving should so infuse our life that it transforms our life into a constant remembrance of His infinite mercy on us.”

In spite of all the shortcomings that we have, I am thankful to God that I was born in India. If we Indians begin to adopt the best practices from other cultures, it is important to understand the ‘value’ behind them. Similarly, not giving up the best traditions among us will help us to ‘appreciate the here and now’ in our lives too.

Revised on 6-8-2024

Gurukulam, May 13, 2009.